Anja Boersma
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Hi Katie,
The reason why I like “The Sanctuary” is because at first we all will have that “Spa” vibe and then, later on, it will be – I’m looking for a word here, something like “ironic” but in a painful way … Almost a “tragic” or “horror” like Sanctuary, like in “The Shining”.
I don’t get that vibe at all with the title “The Community” … It’s a bit vague and I have no connotations with it, other than my Instagram dachshund mothers’ community!
Anja
Hi Lucia,
Shall we call it “menopausal” instead of “young adult”? Ha!
So glad we can keep in touch here even after Debi’s moved on to new editing groups …
I think I will introduce a new term: “What Would Debi Say/WWDS …
Anja
Hi Katie,
For me, it’s your writing and the story that snagged my interest!
The term “institutionalised” comes to mind, like in “Shawshank Redemption”, when men who’ve been imprisoned for thirty+ years, can’t function outside of prison any longer. They can’t deal with independence and making their own choices anymore. Obviously, this is also happening to Mary.
And I still think “The Sanctuary” would make a great title.
Anja
Hi Debi,
Movement about the spectrum! I like that …
I like that you say you wouldn’t go to first-person! I thought, if I go there, how do I ever go back?
And: I will use your alliteration gladly! The wobbling wart!
Pus fuss, noted …
And yes, it felt quite good …
THANK YOU!
Anja
Hi Kate,
ARDC, in other words, After Reading Debi’s Comments:
I think you should think of the consequences of your choice. Can you write another story where Annie’s older? Has Annie come to terms with losing the love of her life? What would be the next step in her development? Does she start out as a young girl and end up as a young woman? Or: is she still forteen years old when the story ends? Maybe this helps to make your decision, but nice to know there is no wrong decision! Unless you’re an indecisive person, then it may suck!
I think you can do it.
Anja
Hi Julie,
I’m sorry I never sent you my condolences on the loss of your husband …
It’s so painful to have to go through that … And at first, everyone is asking how you are doing but that stops after a year … (I didn’t lose my partner but I lost my mother last year and yes, she was 85 years old, not bad, but of course it’ll hurt for a really long time. After six months a friend asked if I was okay and another friend barged in with “oh please, still?” And that sucks.)
Anyway, I agree with Debi that you should write the story for yourself first, but once when it’s published, it’s nice to dedicate it to your husband on that page before the story starts.
I love both Debi’s pitches.
Anja
Hi Gillian,
Of course, Simon’s PD-5 in the beginning would be different from his PD-5 after or during his character change … Something to consider! (And I’m talking about all of our fictions’ heroes and heroines, I guess …, my own little epiphany moment).
Anja
Hi Gill,
Wow, with Debi’s pitch you don’t need the “How do I get an Agent” course!
That line is wonderful. It says it all.
About your other concerns:
Either
Kat and Laura simply watch.
Kat want to ring the fire brigade but Laura stops her
The story is one of revenge by a much-wronged woman. If it’s about revenge, I agree Harry should burn – if not in hell then surely here on earth.
Then again: revenge’s a dish best served cold … Well, I’m rather revengeful myself and I think death may be too good for him. Third-degree burns, ending up in prison, where inmates don’t care much for pedophiles … Laura could be conflicted, want him to burn first and then change her mind. Is it a fitting ending? Yes. But you’re also hesitating and wondering if it’s the right thing to do for a heroine, to let a man burn. It’s not!
Maybe have it both ways? Laura changes her mind and the firemen come but they’re too late? You can always write both versions and see where Laura’s leaning towards.
Themes, a.o.: ‘how to find justice when the police can’t be trusted’, so yes, if there is no justice for Laura, revenge is the next best thing. Acceptance is also important here. For Laura to leave behind her traumas and start healing … That is change too.
I don’t know if that helped!!!
Anja
Hello again Chithrupa
My thoughts in bold:
I have used this opportunity to do a skim review of my MS and my totally biased view is, I’m not a million miles away on Plot/characterisation but there is plenty work to do in Voice consistency and timelines in the narration. Most of my first ten or fifteen chapters needs a rewrite for voice and one chapter in particular where Xander replays a conversation he had with his attorney two years ago , word for word. I need the chapter to tell the reader about the will clause(and Taylor’s cutoff). But,why will Xander play back word for word? I know that needs to go and possibly replaced by the attorney having the above conversation with Taylor(and Xander is watching and adding his insights). How I wish I could come up with solutions like this to all my other niggles. But since I couldn’t posting them below: I gave my input in a separate message; to replay it literally on an old-school tape recorder. I think you can make that work.
My first major plot issue- Initially when I started the story, Kat, the daughter was going to be the killer and she needs him gone ASAP before he realises she is not his daughter. But as the story progressed, it felt more natural for Renee to be the killer. All the clues I laid out for Kat became red herrings i.e. she being the only person in all the scenes, pleading with the doctor not to switch off the machine, lying to Aidan about when she last met her Dad etc. However for Renee to inherit any real money all of the other beneficiaries of Xander’s will have to be ruled out and while Kat/Mandy will be ruled out when the affair is ousted, Taylor will not be cut off until he turns thirty(the day after Xander’s poisoning which Renee intended for the next day but a spilled drink means he drank the poisoned can a day early). This explains the last death but not the first two. I have currently glossed it over in the MS(hoping the readers won’t notice) No, they will notice! Readers are smart! Will they forgive you and buy your next book? Maybe not! The solution will come, when you’re ready. but another option is to make Renee voice the same question when she is dragged off to the prison. Well then, problem solved! What should I do? Any other suggestions are welcome too.
Digital timer counting down at the start of each chapter. Debi, you rightly asked if Xander would know the time down to the seconds. I have made sure that there is a clock in each of the location but at least one of them is analog. Should I get rid of seconds? Also it is titled as Time to death, should I call it something else? Small stuff, you can do it.
Xander as the ghost, cannot touch or taste but can see, hear and smell. As he is the main narrator I decided to retain smell as I am already crippled with senses losing the two. Would it be too creepy to have a ghost who can smell? No, not creepy at all! Exaggerate it, make his smell better than it ever was! This will be so much fun to play with!!!
In some scenes where Xander’s understanding of the events when it happened was different which has changed now and he is narrating from now– can I include the then conclusion followed by now thoughts without it constituting as jump in time. E.g. below from week 3 post about Xander’s second death
At that time, giving it away was so unbearable that even gifting it to Taylor sounded like a better idea. Now however, I was not so sure.(Would this part mean I have moved to now as the following line is back to then or can I keep it?) When you say ‘At that time’ and later ‘Now, however’ I think that makes it perfectly clear. But can you repeat it throughout the whole chapter without it being what it is, repetitive? I think you’d need a special something that indicates we move from the past to the present … Like in a play where actors take on several roles, they use another light or they turn around and become that other role … Some clue – I’m thinking of his enhanced sense of smell, that could indicate his ‘ghostness’.
There was me, thinking it was rather nice, when he invited me and Renee for dinner, and, of course, Kat.
- Is there a balance of Xander’s voice in dialogue heavy scenes. Debi, you asked for samples. I have a couple below, one where I have muted Xander’s voice intentionally to not break the romance. Scene context- Renee telling a bunch of strangers in the hospital waiting room about how she met Xander. Another sample was last week’s post(I don’t want to exceed the total of 250 words for the excerpt given I have a few questions already, sorry!)
‘I didn’t know he was a billionaire until I googled him that night. He sent me beautiful flowers the next day. The best peonies I have ever received. And, an umbrella with the cutest cheesy message – ”For next time it rains.” When I opened the umbrella, another cute message fell out — “Or, you can just call me” — with his number.’
‘Aww, how sweet,’ the same voice called out. A murmur of awws, and how lovely rolled out in waves.
Oh God, they weren’t peonies – those lavish carnations were utterly wasted on her. This must be why she was flooding the house with those god-awful flowers. It wasn’t a coincidence; “peonies” did sound a bit too much like “phoney.” So what flowers were they?! And did he just send a bunch? As a billionaire, shouldn’t he send A LOT OF FLOWERS?And: peonies are the BEST flowers ever! And sometimes they have a lovely sugary fragrance but maybe nowadays it would make Xander sick because his sense of smell is too strong (May/June are peonie season, don’t use them if it’s September in your story, of course).
- I currently have an Epilogue that is timed at one month after Xander’s death, at his funeral. Somehow Xander does not leave, but become a proper ghost. This is where I tie the loose ends- Taylor inherits but shares the assets with his mum and (step) sister and Renee is arrested. Should I get rid of it and accept that Xander is gone? A snippet of the end, because I want to leave you with a sense of Epilogue(and why it is a darling)
‘Ask for the Bentley,’ I screamed through his ears. Xander’s a ghost so I think he doesn’t need to be physically close like humans do. Maybe he can hover above him? Is this not using the Bentley’s ghost frequency? (Brilliant idea that was!)
‘Leave me alone!’
Don’t be daft—take the Bentley.’
‘Have you seen where I live?’
‘Um… Is everything okay?’ Taylor appeared perplexed, his eyes scanning for whoever Aidan was talking to.
‘Just take it.’
‘Can’t—I don’t even have a driveway.’
‘We’ll figure something out.’
‘No way—I can’t even cover the insurance payment!’
‘IDIOT—do you even know the value of it? We’re talking hundreds of thousands. Imagine all the places we could visit, things we could do, mysteries we could solve. Take the damn car!’
Ok, I am going to post before I come up with more questions. Thank you again. Next week will not be the same!
It won’t! I have Debi-separation anxiety too! Boohoo! How did we ever manage without her?!
Anja
Hi Chithrupa,
I’m gonna start with your first concern before I forget my ‘idea’ … What if Xander taped that conversation? Then he can literally play it back word by word … Insert pauses for your beats …
Oh, and I know, nobody uses tape recorders anymore but Xander may have one lying around from the nineties when he decided to use it for all his legal conversations – if only to check on his lawyer’s fees to see if he’s not messing with his hourly rates … I used to work at a law firm as a legal secretary; everything gets written down as six minutes, even when a conversation is only four minutes … Hourly rates by partners were about GBP 300/Dfl. 550 …
You could play with that?
Is Xander stingy, I wonder? Or does/did he throw with money?
On to the next questions!
Anja
Hi Alison,
I’m sticking with Debi’s advice on this one. Start with this book, Number Two!
And remember: for a story you need to: ‘get in late, get out early’. The problem has to be clear on page 1 already, according to some stern agents, who are always looking for a reason to put your manuscript away …
Anja
Hi Debi,
I hope that your answering my question was not the Week 6 question?!
I wanted to post a scene with POV Jacoba up close, PD-5 …
You’ll let me know if that wasn’t the right thing to do!
Week 6 POV Jacoba: my attempt to do another PD-5
(This is Wendall’s story but I want a few chapters written in Jacoba’s POV.)
Still at Hubert’s Hair Salon but nearing the end (199 words):
Lucy cackled and clawed at that pearl necklace of hers; its string must be iron-wired to not succumb to those sharp talons of hers, Jacoba thought. And that big fat wart on her chin cackled along with her snorts. Would that horrible woman ever stop clawing? God, she (Or: Jacoba?) wanted to tear off those cheap pearls herself from that rumpled old turkey neck. Trample on those plastic beads or, better yet, tear off that big fat wart off her chin and trample on that! It’d explode and make a green puss fuss.
How I hate hate hate those vultures!
It was through sheer willpower that she did not to slam the door behind her.
Outside, she regained her composure.
Forgive me, Lord, she prayed. I don’t know why hate feels so good sometimes.
A belated tear trickled down her face. She wiped it away.
God was testing her and she had failed him. She had not behaved like the loving Christian woman she normally was.
A new plan was being forged in her mind. Half of the things Hubert had told her, probably were exaggerated. She needed to visit Thomas’ grandfather and hear it from the horse’s mouth.
Anja
P.S.: missing you guys already!
Thank you, Debi.
I understand now. Again – I’m making the same mistake!
Good to know though, that I only make one! (Irony much? yes.)
Anja
Hi Lucia,
Agreed! We are all fortunate to be in the company of other hard-working writers.
Talent, someone said, is 99% transpiration, only 1% inspiration. I think we’ve all got that 1%, and the ability to learn not just from our own writing but also from others’ falls under those 99%, I’m sure.
Anja
Why, isn’t it weird how everything comes back?!
Alliteration! I’m gonna look Mr Humphreys up now – I remember his voice and that cute gap between his teeth more than anything. Not sure how I’d describe his movements!
VERDICT: he does SHIMMIE. Ha!
