Anja Boersma
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Hi Gill (and Gillian),
Jumping in here on your reply to Gillian …
When you write : “Then his father was kneeling, beginning to stand …” I felt it read a bit as if it’s the father who has to learn how to walk when of course he doesn’t but also there’s something else here: the amount of gerunds is tremendous; ‘kneeling’, ‘beginning’, ‘gathering’, ‘lifting’ and even ‘giddying’.
Anja
Hi Gill,
“Minus the floaty dress” – ha!
“The baby’s face hesitated between a laugh and a cry” – I would think “the baby’s expression” rather than his face.
When the baby tugs at the father’s hair, I think I want to read what kind of hair the father has. It’s just a tiny little detail but Laura may think the baby has his father’s curly tresses or his mother’s brown whispy hair? Something like that would be a nice touch (but not really important overall).
This scene is set up wonderfully … It looks like Laura wants to raise a family with Mike, and all her dreams are still intact here.
Hopefully those dreams don’t get shattered until after she gives birth?!
Thank you, Paula, for saying all these nice things.
I am especially grateful for language issues, I had no idea that “I’ll have you know” is more British than American.
Ha, the beet red will have to go … POV issues need to be avoided at all costs. (I DO feel it when I am beet red, because it’s the only shade of red I get, either from running or on a warm summer’s day).
Alex’ ‘daddy’ issues have also been mentioned before and I said I would google to see if Southern women in their late twenties are still likely to use the term or not.
Thanks again!
Hi Chithrupa,
They meet on the train – I still have to check the train schedule to see what time it goes, details!
And Alex does not have a gun with her but she is very much a pro-gun Texan.
Thank you, Gill, for the compliments.
Thank you, Gillian!
I’ll leave out the glazier/glacier thing out completely, but thanks for noticing.
Everyone wants Wendall to stop lying and Alex to stop calling her dad “Daddy”… I’m seriously considering listening.
Hi Lucia,
Nice that you pick up on the foreshadowing of “Mother” …
I agree about the glacier cold voice being unnecessary, happy to drop it. Subtext matters!
The dimple comes and goes, depending on Wendall says something that makes Alexandra smile, so he’s very keen to see if it’s still there or not.
Alexandra’s dad did want her to bring her rifle but she assumed it would spell trouble at Heathrow so she didn’t bring it along.
Thanks!
Hi Lucia,
I already got your previous, perfect message with great comments … I will return to that now.
Hi Kate,
Thanks for your reaction!
Yes, Alex is from the South, Corpus Christi, Texas, pro-gun but did not pack her rifle with her 🙂
I’m gonna google if women in their late twenties still call their father ‘Daddy’, or I may watch ‘Say Yes To the Dress Atlanta’ … if it’s still on.
Fun research!They are on the train, which is where the chapter starts, but that’s not about his character in action, so I started after the chitchat …
Well, I figured a person may be aware of being beet red, but I got more comments on it. Easy to change it into ‘cheeks flushed’.
Always want to avoid POV issues!
Thank you, Richard!
I’m still on the fence about Wendall’s lying – it does show a certain aspect of his character …
Indeed, she’s not carrying a gun but since she’s from Texas, I like the supposition of the two opposite characters, religious pro-gun cow girl and the demure Englisman.
And I’m gonna google if women from the South still call their father ‘Daddy’ or not … I do agree it sounds childish.
Thank you, Alison!
So interesting to see that several people suggested to remove the line that he lied! When I liked that line!
Hi Paula,
Great comments throughout, so many needle experts here!
It’s a fantastic start of your story, these two hundred words.
You mentioned somewhere that Jacqui will fight of a crocodile with a knife later, so handling this squirming young lion cub should be a a walk in the (wildlife) park!
I also do wonder how old the lion cub is? I imagine it needs to be vaccinated against something, and from having a dog I know there has to be a certain age before you vaccinate against rabies … They can’t be too young.
(I remember those “Mopane flies” from a safari in Tanzania! They were trying to suck the protein out of our eyes, I just don’t remember if they even visited behind sun glasses.)
I imagine she would wear protective gear or spray with DEET and particularly ticks are very hard to feel on your body, I’ve noticed … They tread very lightly 🙁
Anyway, a brilliant piece of writing and foreshadowing of adventures to come.
And I did like comparing a stoic strong man to a Baobab tree very much.
Anja
Hi Alison,
I like your comment that Part 1 of Noah’s adventures was NOT about global warming/Climate change because Part 1 is where Noah is his youngest self.
School bullying is a much bigger threat than climate change at that tender young age, I imagine.
The KQ, what an amazing invention – and for it to turn real … Fantastic job.
To me, the trees falling behind Noah and Nell and almost crushing them/barely escaping with their lives seem a lot scarier than the eclips of the sun … An eclips is often anticipated in the news and it’s not caused by climate change, it’s a natural phenomenon …
And it’s not the storm that causes the sun to disappear for a moment, is it? It just happens to coincide? I admit I’m slightly confused about what things mean!
But the writing is beautiful with all the details you have going on. (I do wonder if the ducks would not merely be perturbed but would quack, deeply annoyed?)
Anja
Hi Julie,
Well, now I wondered if the movie was based on a book so I could add that to my list but no, it’s based on a short French film from 1962, just 28 minutes long, La Jetee (the “jetty”) …
Inspiration can come from everywhere.
Anja
Homework Week Two:
Show the protagonist being active.
From the first chapter, when Wendall meets Heptonstall’s pup-carrying new veterinarian.
In the scene, Wendall makes the mistake of criticising the use of guns … I chose this part because he tells a lie.“Expecting any mad cows in the country, are you?” he said.
Alexandra narrowed her eyes and replied: “I’ll have you know, my daddy stopped a shooting at a church once because he happened to carry his Glock.”
Wendall turned beet red.
“I didn’t mean to offend you – things are different in America, I’m sure,” he said soothingly. “I’m just saying, our countryside is safe and so are our churches.”
There was still a coolness in her demeanor and the cute dimple in her cheek had vanished.
Here was this adorable single woman with a dog and he –.
“Your Constitution says,” he started, “you have the right to bear arms, and I appreciate that.” He bowed his head and said in a humble tone: “It was very necessary after what we did in 1776.”
She raised her chin and said in a glazier cold voice: “I am well aware of our Constitution and all its amendments, thank you very much.” She turned her face towards the window and petted the pup quietly.
Wendall lied: “Mother and I are go to a magnificent church. It’s rather famous, Heptonstall’s Octagonal Church.”
Oh, the church was beautiful indeed but he never went.
