Anja Boersma
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Thank you, Debi!
(I had never heard the “Write Drunk, Edit Sober” adagium but it’s nice!)
Hi Steven,
Gosh, I have no trouble at all imagining an indecisive sports man might use a coin to decide upon his fate!
Some people are indecisive, that’s just the way it is; flipping a coin will help them reach a decision. You already set up the suspense of “will he stay or will he go” … Very nice!
Well, I did not care much for the sniffing because it distracts from the petal picking of the sunflower (is it sunflower season, be aware of that). I mean, if he’s got hayfever he would know, wouldn’t he? And in 2017, the corona virus was not an issue yet, we were still allowed to sniff. Just a tiny detail!And I will have you know that a dear friend of mine left her relationship with a sports addict after ten years because that’s what he was, an addict to doing all sorts of sports and just never have any time for chores around the house or, more importantly. celebrating her 40th birthday, so that’s when she left. And when they first met, he told her his previous girlfriend had put his sports bike in his bed, that should have been a clue.
I’m just saying: these men EXIST. Sport takes over their lives like an obsession. If you give him plenty of good qualities it shouldn’t be an issue.
Fun pages!Hi Richard,
AROC:
I agree the second paragraph would be the stronger beginning:
“As a four year old, I had been involved in a bedroom fire which had nearly burned down my aunt’s house after the curtains blew onto a naked light bulb. It wasn’t my fault, but I remembered the associated excitement. As I grew older I tried to recreate it by setting fire to the garden grass hatches, which my parents erected every winter to protect vulnerable plants from frost. There were plenty to choose from. I started with the smallest: small hatch, small flame but as my confidence grew, so did the size.”“It soon escalated out of control” … I think that “escalate” and “out of control” are too much, but I don’t know if it’s a real grammatical mistake or not.
“… on my dad’s pride and joy — a grand, Kenya coffee tree and I received their full wrath for that. A few weeks later, my focus turned to the six-foot compost heap instead. Alginate swimming pool granules burned ferociously with a bright orange flame…” I think you might slow it down a bit and give more details of the fires you set. I love the very specific detail of ‘alginate swimming pool granules’.
(Did you ever use a bag of crisps as an accelerator?! Some expert at a crime writers’event said he’s still waiting for that to be used in a story …)And when you talk about O-levels and having to redo them for English, my first thought is: did you read Fahrenheit 451 by Ray Bradbury and how did you like that? Was it the only book you could talk/write about during class? But maybe that didn’t happen so you won’t write that … but it COULD have happened, right? Artistic liberty!
So now everyone here calls you an arsonist now! Ha! (Do the English not use the term pyromaniac?)
Anyway, I would like to know at what point you decide that you can turn your hobby into a job after all, a nice pin-pointing moment …
Hi Katie,
It’s interesting what you said about how everyone could succumb to becoming a member of a cult, not just vulnerable people … There’s an episode of “Monk” where he has to go undercover and join a cult, and indeed, he’s taken in by the cult leader a bit, that was unexpected!
I feel that Mary is trying to escape from her domineering mother only to end up worse, in the Sanctuary (great name!).
A story that features only women – fantastic! I’m thinking “The Handmaid’s Tale” meets … I don’t know what! I also love the idea of folk horror even though it doesn’t feel very folksy yet. But if the Sanctuary is in a remote location and weird things happen out there in the country, I can see it. Oh, “The Hills Have Eyes” is a very scary movie. I saw it because it featured Bryan Cranston from Breaking Bad and it’s very folk horror … Inbred cannibals in the American Midwest try to eat an innocent travelling family. It’s too bad to be a cult movie, I just had to let you know.
AROC
I agree with Chithrupa that, even though “My mother told me that this was the end.” seems intriguing, since we don’t know Mary yet, it doesn’t mean a lot at this point. But to begin with:
“It began with an open call for applications, offered only to women of a certain age, who could meet certain requirements.” is intriguing indeed. Immediately I want to know: what are those certain requirements? And I want to keep reading.“Isolated as Mother and I were it found me late.” Now I wonder: why? Is mail not delivered out in the country? Do you have a mailbox? Maybe you’d want to mention that you found this letter by accident when you were cleaning up and found it under Mother’s laundry?
But then it appears that it’s online, so an email that landed in your spam? But that has nothing to do with living in isolation? Or bad wifi in the country?
I agree with Richard that ‘spores’ remind me of mushrooms but I like the use of “it had already wormed into the minds …” because computer viruses can worm too and this is reminiscant of a computer virus in a way, good metaphor.
Again, I agree with Richard that the image you paint with mist dancing is too happy and may set the reader off in the wrong direction. There should be a darkness in the sky, something threatening.
Like everyone else, I’m a huge (cult/folk horror) fan!* sorry: WHO lit the stove not HOW
Hi Lucia,
Anna comes across as very sympathetic here, as a dedicated person who visits a patient after her regular job hours finished.
It is not mentioned here yet that Anna is a nurse, was that on purpose?
The details about Margaret’s appearance are strong. “Anna resisted the urge to wipe [the spit] away” – I think that’s a wonderful detail. And to say “the chair creaked like old bones” is beautiful too because … there is something in the room with old bones herself, lovely.
Uhm, I don’t need to hear about Anna’s underwear growing damp with sweat! TMI!So: there’s a stove and a burning fire. Is this one of those old-fashioned all-day cooking furnaces? Does it run on gas? I’m just wondereing how lit the stove and will it be hot all day? I’m thinking it’s probably Steven and of course: it’s only the first two hundred words … Just found myself wondering how it works!
Lucia, I think you paint the scene very deftly, just a few words here and there and I get the picture.
Anja
Hi Gillian,
I read the others’ comments about “aching legs but not out of breath” and agree – but it’s a minor issue and very easy to fix.I think it’s funny to see that Simon thinks all is well in his marriage … And in the next chapter, we will learn that Ruth begs to differ. I think that if you keep this up for a few chapters it will definitely add to the suspense – when will Simon realize things are not what they seem?
Spouses, it seems, are often the last to know how their significant others really feel; I think you could probably start a whole series on that premise!Simon has his office on top of the world AND he’s getting a prestigious award … A great set-up for his fall from grace!
Good stuff.
AnjaHi Chithrupa,
I’m a little surprised you changed the old (I thought very wonderful) title – sorry I missed the motivation for that! The new title does not say anything about the genre at all, it could even be a memoir … But I’m sure you had a good reason (maybe Debi? 🙂 I’ll look at the old thread as I should read everything that’s being said, but for now, I’m focusing on this new assignment.Your metaphores are beautiful and original, with “dandelion whip’s weightlessness”, “the feeling of snuggly cocooned within a snow globe”, that is some inspired writing …
Xander is lying dead and still in bed, not being able to move I imagine – so he cannot SEE the the life-sustaining machines … “rhythmic beeps now and then” – he can HEAR those of course, but I’d like the suggestion of him maybe drawing the conclusion that the beeps belong to life-sustaining machines but he can’t know for sure because he can’t move his head. Of course, these machines are usually in a hospital but I get the feeling – I think it’s the ‘ten-by-ten’ room that gives it away – that he’s not in a hospital but at some grand mansion. Or maybe he is not quite capable of realizing what those sounds are exactly; maybe you’ll make that part of the mystery too, anything to intrigue the reader wanting to read a mystery!
Anyway: I think that the reader will think he MAY have died under suspicious circumstances but for it to work at the detective genre level I’d want to SEE Xander feeling suspicious about this particular death. There is some room for improvement here to make it about the mystery that it is, a little foreshadowing.
On the other hand: it’s only the first TWO HUNDRED words, for crying out loud!! So maybe ignore everything I said!Regards,
AnjaHi Debi,
I’m sure I may have misinterpreted what Philip said, and he said lots of lovely things too 🙂What I want is to write something lighthearted with elements of romance and adventure and a tiny bit of espionage. I think your description “compedy caper with romantic elements” is a nice way to put it.
I used to devour my mother’s favorite series: Mrs. Pollifax the innocent tourist. They’re not published anymore but they are quite delightful.
Thank you!Oh, right!
Write the story you want to read and it’ll find a market surely …
Once you DO know how to market it, it’ll happen. But it’s the hardest part, and it’s not something to look forward to.
(I’m in the same boat!)Hi Steven,
Two people trying to convert each other into the ‘right’ sport … Good luck to them!
What’s that, Polish doughnuts?! Is that a thing?!
See you next week,
AnjaHi Kate,
It was my pleasure!
Really, those thick 78′ ones? That is amazing …Ha, no bicycling involved! 🙂
Thank you, Alison.
Yes, well, with the satellites and all, I thought there might be cyberbullying in space.
My bad!Hi Lucia,
Those people exist indeed!
Have you been a GP/doctor? Can you describe the details from an expert POV?
See you next week …
