Anja Boersma
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Hi Julie,
Here are my comments on your assignment. I thought it was difficult, that there was some context missing but I read the others also had questions and that helped somewhat. I agree the writing’s spectacular.
And I love your new word! Very creative thinking.
It was Rachel’s first thought, on opening her eyes. She lay on her side, staring at the leaning wall, and anticipated the warmth of Lee’s heated car seat on her back. That split hill shrinking in the side mirror, (not: “That split hill in the side mirror, shrinking to an insignificant speck.”?)
What a relief that Lee’s clammy body no longer wrapped itself around her. She lay for a moment, listening to the drone of a world waking. Distant birdsong. Bleats of sheep. The morning breeze pushing the windowpane. Nice sensory details all. A conversation in the room below. A man’s angry voice… If she calls it “a conversation” that already implies she knows Matthew’s not alone shouting at an empty room.
Matthew would never shout at an empty room. She sat up, looking around for a glimpse – even a full frontal – of Lee.
She was gone. She was (maybe: “She must be”?) in the kitchen, with him.
As Rachel fought to free herself from the dragging (nice way to put it) sheets, Lee’s reply quivered between the floorboards, ‘No, I won’t!’
She ran down the stairs barefoot-breathless (love your made-up word). The smell of fresh coffee in the kitchen corridor made her want to gag. Her hand smacked the door open. It banged against the wall, but she saw, before they jumped back, their heads almost touching across the table.( this gives me “intimacy” vibe but I read something about Lee having a black eye? Context is missing because we were only allowed 250 words …) Why did you have to confront him? PD4. We were just going to slip out. PD4. Matthew’s arm retracted to his side. PD2. A heat of panic hit her stomach. Narrator? He’d tried to strike her again. She’d not had a full view, but it was there, in his eyes, a fight to regain control. (the ‘She’d not had a full view’ was confusing to me because she did see it in his eyes, a fight to regain control, so I think you can leave that bit out.)
Anja
Hi Alison,
I agree with everyone that this a perfect (near) ending and I have only one or two comments.
“Noah tilted his head and frowned as he let out a heavy sigh.”
I don’t like this sentence because it’s very hard to do this! So I’m tilting my head and frowning and trying to let out a heavy sigh simultaneously. It’s impossible, I think.
Suggestion: The description of the forest and the bubbles is delightful. However, since it’s about saving the world, I’d love to see a fluttering butterfly or a happy little lark singing, just some kind of creature.
Anja
Thank you, Debi, for joining in the “to strut or not to strut”/ “sashay” discussion …
Sashay it is.
Anja
Hi Lucia,
Can you believe you said almost the exact same thing as Debi did?!
Cudos for your editing eye …
All of it is helpful, ha!
No worries, everyone loves a tormented soul … And he’ll learn to walk again, yay.
Anja
Thank you, Alison!
Debi pointed out it’s not clear whose scene it actually is … It’s supposed to be Jacoba’s! She needs some PD4-5’s, I don’t have anything at the ready, no improv inspiration tonight. Oh well.
(It was afterwards that I realised I have a blue-haired woman named Marge – just like in The Simpsons!)
Anja
Hi Gillian,
You’re ever so kind to point out these issues with the assignment in just the kindest way! I’m absorbing things about the bus 73 and goes to Islington! I soak them up and appreciate them very much; prepositions in another language are the hardest because one tends to translate their own ones.
But oh, I do love the dash! I will look up what Debi or Emma said about them, I remember reading “yessss! dashes are allowed!”
Your other comments were also spot on, as per Debi’s agreeing with them wholeheartedly.
Thank you, Gillian.
Anja
Hi Debi,
Thank you for your many suggestions on how to improve the story! I can’t believe I never noticed you use ‘these little things’ in dialogue instead of “these”, but easy to fix. I do love to edit out/in the easy things first, and, although I’d take your word for it, checked in the book I’m reading now, one by Jack Higgins, and am still surprised to see it’s another UK/US difference!
Hubert ignored it – more important matters prevailed. (That’s either his POV or the narrator’s voice.) So is it okay if it’s the narrator’s voice?! Drat, PD lesson was only a week ago and now it’s difficult again, once more …
“He lost a bloody eye!” Hubert said, saving the worst for last. (That’s his POV, unless it’s the narrator’s voice.) Is it okay to have a narrator’s voice/PD2 smack in the middle of the scene? Or should it be used only at the beginning?
You say: He (two consecutive sentences beginning with *He …*) inspected the roots and approved of their state. Maybe: Upon inspection of the roots Hubert murmured to himself he’d done an excellent job. Is that better? No issue now with Hubert approving of their state …
Nineteen years without a hairdresser?!
Debi, I know I’m here to learn and that you’re a saint, but I’m really sorry I made the same mistake as a previous time, when you said we were never really inside Wendall’s head. And now, never really inside Jacoba’s … Yet, it’ll be fun to get deep inside her head too!
Anja
Hi Richard,
I agree, good to see you’re back – I wanted to ask how you were doing and then – poof, a whole week passed and a new one started. (Good to see you start with PD1, very nice.)
Carry Downs
A major part of ladder training became what is known as the “carry-down” from the third floor of the training tower. We started with dummies draped across our shoulders using a traditional fireman’s lift until we were proficient, (use a ‘;’ here?) then one day (and then, delete ‘one day’ (maybe?)) we were paired up and the instructor addressed us.
‘Today you will take turns acting as a rescuer and (a?) casualty (respectively?).’
Everyone stared at him uncomprehendingly. (delete the ‘uncomprehendingly’)
Nobody spoke.
‘The casualty will first climb the one-three-five ladder and enter the window on the third floor. He will be secured to a safety line before the rescuer follows and enters the same window using a standing sill-mount. He will then lift the casualty across his shoulders. It is important that the person acting as casualty is relaxed and does not tense up! It is much easier to carry down a limp and relaxed casualty, than a tense panicking one! The rescuer will then re-mount the ladder using a standing mount, before carrying the casualty back down to the ground. Does anyone have any questions?’
Everyone continued staring uncomprehendingly. Why does no one have any questions?! Is this true-to-life?! Bunch of real men all understand these instructions immediately? I think that’s possible but, strangely, sometimes the truth doesn’t seem plausible. Somebody should have a question, even if it’s just to ask permission to pee!
No-one asked any questions.
He talked us through some emergency procedures and how to direct any oncoming ambulances.
‘In the event of a fall from height,’ he said, ‘part of the primary survey should include signs of priapism, indicated by an erect penis. This is often associated with traumatic spinal cord injuries and can be a symptom of a broken back.’
I stared at him with a quizzical expression. Why? Shouldn’t you make a joke here?
Richard, I think there’s too much staring going on – I’d love to read some dialogue instead of this one-sided instruction – even if that’s how it really happened, artistic liberty is not a bad thing …
Some recruits giggled. As they should! And please: let somebody have a great come-back. This is a great opportunity to insert some lightness. Grab it by the pussy, to paraphrase a previous President 😊. I expect these macho firemen have their own sense of humour, I’d really like to read it!
(Please don’t get me wrong; it’s a great chapter and the serious stuff is very good indeed, but it needs a little lightness.)
Anja
Hi Gill,
Oh, I had not considered that at all! I just thought ‘wow, so good of you to be able to be inside these two very different characters’ …
Hmm … I think it’ll be okay as long as you don’t present this as a romance novel – which you don’t, right?
It’s almost a ‘crime noire’/’hard-boiled’-with-a-little-pink-salt, something like that?!
We will!
Or is it we shall?
Word reads out loud to you?! WTH?!
Hi Chithrupa,
Was this really 250 words?! I feel I only read about 100!
Then, at least, allow me,’ Aidan said with a dramatic bow, rushing to retrieve a cup. The coins jingled in the iron underbelly as he continued, ‘Peppermint, right?’ (I don’t need more flourishing words here, I think this is perfection, how he shows off it’s worth remembering what kind of flavour tea Renee drinks). He picked the tea before receiving a response, scoring a point or two—the bugger. (Now here I read the first part of the sentence as a PD3 but after the comma you moved into PD4/5. It threw me off, tbh. Don’t know if it was just me or if some of the other women commented on it?) The metal nose hissed, whistled like a congested snore and vomited the steaming liquid. (agree with everyone this is fantastic. I don’t understand that you worry that Xander would not view it this way; you talk about vomit, could be Xander-y, no?)
‘You’ve got a good memory,’ Renee said (to Aidan. Maybe find a good insult here to describe Aidan? ‘Renee said to that aubergine-shaped sorry excuse of a P.I.’? Just to make it clear that it’s PD4? I forgot that in your complicated novel PD1 can equal some other PD … I was just convinced I’d never write in first person POV just to avoid the matter!). I’d use a ‘return’ here. I think it makes it clearer that we’re inside Xander’s head then, and distinguish between Xander-the-narrator and Xander-the-protagonist. So:
Big deal, tea type was not exactly rocket science.
‘What good is a detective without a near-perfect memory,’ Aidan said, tapping his temples,’ it’s all in my head,’ he added with a wink. Return.
The nerve! Wait until I get my voice back. When I was done past tense here! I think someone else mentioned that it’s slightly confusing, he would be on his knees and cursing (curse? Not sure) the day he was born.
‘I see,’ Renee said with a chuckle, ‘the memory does not extend to the present.’ She pointed at the now overflowing cup of tea. The smell of mint hit me like a shot.
‘Oops,’ Aidan quipped, taking his hand off the hot water button, ‘…clearly, a dazzling presence distracting me from being present.’ Return.
He was clearly breaching my rule (number) three, and a bunch of others. The over-smart-motor mouth—Oh, what would I not give to rip it off his face. The sweet, sweet fantasy.
‘A man of words, a rare find these days,’ said Renee, boosting his (maybe if you say ‘that jerk’ it’s clearer that it’s Xander’s POV?) dinosaur(insert hyphen)sized ego.
‘Shit…’ Return/enter
I was pleased to see Aidan’s blistered hands shaking the air. Not quite ripping the mouth, but this will have to do, for now.
‘Careful. Stupid cup — doesn’t know not to hurt the detective.’
So on the one hand Xander is pleased to see Aidan’s blistered hands but on the other hand the next line is: ‘Careful. Stupid cup – doesn’t know not to hurt the detective.’ It took me a reread to figure out this is Aidan talking about himself in the third person … But … not many people do that …
The dark-purple of Aidan’s cheeks had nothing to do with his burnt hands, ‘Yes, stupid cup,’ he repeated, as he wrapped the cup in a cardboard blanket.
Just one more thing: ‘to rip a smile off one’s face’ gives me a ‘Hannibal Lector’ vibe. Is that your intention? I want Xander sarcastic and sardonic but maybe not sadistic …
Chithrupa, another fun read it was.
Anja
Hi Kate,
I looked up ‘trotting’ but that’s not what Hubert’s doing either …
I thought he should go faster than ‘meandering’ because the alarm went off. In real life, I noticed, the hairdresser’s not that worried that the colour will become too intense, they don’t come running towards my hair at all (but then, I’m not blue-haired).
I’m leaving the matter for what it is now!
Anja
Thank you, Paula.
Yes, I agree, the dog should run, not jump in front of the bus. Love it when issues are so easy to fix …
Great other suggestions too. And you know? I’m ashamed to admit I did NOT read it out loud, I only played it out in my head. Shame on me!
I will do from now on PLUS read other people’s work out loud now too.
Anja
