Anja Boersma
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Thank you for popping in/dropping by, Debi!
Yes, I see it now, the shifts between first and third … PD4? Oh, I was convinced it was 5. I need to analyse way more, not improvise …
Hi Julie,
Nice way to put it – the zoom on your phone camera …
Very true.
We’re learning from the very best, Gillian … But I feel that six weeks may not be long enough …
And I hope we will all stay in touch and editing mode with each other.
Hi Gill,
I don’t think so! I think PD is also about narrator Xander BUT THEN IT’S PD1 … And inside character Xander it could be PD5 except when Xander is thinking about his mum IT”S NOT! And of course, there’s also Dead Xander and Alive Xanders … I need to read and re-read this comment of Debi’s several times, but I think we all do.
I haven’t read Great Expectations yet but I need to, soon. Thanks for the reminder.
Hi Kate,
What you said makes sense; ‘what’s a girl to do’ is definitely about PD5, I get that — although, thinking about it now, I’m inclined to say PD4, because it’s about actions not emotions …
I guess I viewed it as ‘the man’ like in PD1, the man in general. Of course, I’m not a man myself so I think that’s why there was a distance in that ‘what’s a man to do’ for me, that he would be the man from PD 1 when he’s not.
For me, the subject of PD’s needs more time to sink in, definitely.
Hi ladies,
Well … this storm does NOT have a name so … 🙂
I’m on the fence about it; I would agree somewhat, yes, but not wholeheartedly. If the wind has emotions one might consider it PD2.
But surely language can use these terms, ‘furious’ and ‘battling’, without it being considered personification?
Well … it’s a toughie.
Gillian, you’re so incredibly smart to view it that way!
Anja
Hi Alison,
It was my pleasure. Thank you for explaining that half-way into the story we already know who Noah is; so true!
Every time I spot something in someone else’s work, I realise I probably make the same mistake without being aware of it. It’s a very nice way to learn, though! Lots of ‘aha’! moments …
Anja
It does, Kate! But I should have realised it myself.
That pesky, unneccesarily self-thinking Word …
(Can you believe, I still have flashbacks to WP?! And how brilliant I was at it?! Because it was so user-friendly and did very little self-thinking?!)
Hi Katie,
I totally got Stephen King-y vibes … I read him once or twice but not the ones with happy endings. And you know, open endings would be more appropriate in the horror genre, I think. We could always hope that Mary escapes from the “Sanctuary” in part Two …
So, what someone once said about what made a story scary was … ‘hope’. As long as there was hope, there was also tension about the outcome. I think the person was referring to “The Texan Chain Massacre” movie when the girl says to the guy ‘let’s go back’ and you hope that the guy’s gonna listen … And of course, he doesn’t.
Mary-the-germaphobe makes perfect sense but she DID have dust/spider webs in her room, I seem to remember … Hmmm … Speaking of germaphobes: so happy to see ‘Monk’ is on Netflix now …
No …definitely no robot frogs for Wendall … Those didn’t exist at the time (it takes place in 1999).
Ha, your comments … why do I get a Xander-y vibe now …
Thank you, Chithrupa!
When the six weeks are over, I will copy/paste this whole thread into a Word doc to implement into the story. Everybody’s been so brilliant.
Hi Steven,
Who suspected a story of cricket would prove this much fun! But it is, you’re hilarious.
A large pink marshmallow wet with lager, flew across the busy Indian restaurant and hit the captain of Wetwicker. Lester interrupted his speech to inspect the pink missile gummed to the lapel of his white blazer. He brushed it away and scratched the pink goo. At the doorway, Arthur Chance and his team tittered as they simultaneously dipped marshmallows into their lagers. I agree with someone (Gill/Gillian?) that it’s not a pure PD1. A pure PD1 would start with your description of an Indian restaurant (check out Lucia’s description of a supermarket at night for inspiration). Perhaps a marshmallow will land on the painting of the Taj Mahal first?
PD 3
He knew that falsetto laugh. (Brilliant line). Yes there he stood, Arthur and his team smirking like school boys as they dipped marshmallows into their lagers. It wasn’t the time to be cordial.
PD5
Oh my heart, what’s this…this…on me? (PD4? Because it’s an observation? not an emotion?) Of course, it’s one of Arthur’s endless marshmallows. He’s rattled my cage once too much. (those are emotions, PD5, alright) Then be Rear Admiral Nelson, and show your men impeachable calmness, and return fire! (I think it’s a rational, decision-making process and that’s why I’d say PD4 but we are inside his head so PD5’s possible).
A large pink marshmallow wet with lager, flew across the busy Indian restaurant and hit the captain of Wetwicker. Lester flicked off the pink missile and recognised that falsetto laugh (I LOVED that line in PD3: “he knew that falsetto laugh (anywhere?), somehow ‘he knew’ is funnier than ‘he recognised’.”). Yes(add a comma here, please) there he stood, Arthur and his team smirking as they simultaneously dipped marshmallows in their lagers (something feels off about smirking and simultaneously dipping, can’t quite put my finger on it … ). That man’s rattled my cage once too much. Then be Rear Admiral Nelson, and show your men impeachable calmness, and return fire! (again, something feels off and again, I can’t quite put my finger on it. Between the rattling of Lester’s cage and being Nelson it reads slightly abrupt).This being half A and half BROC I don’t know if others commented on it.
Thank you for that image of lager-dipped pink marshmallows … A thoroughly enjoyable read, Steven.
Anja
Hi Julie,
Here’s my thoughts and comments:
You:
Hi. It might not be good but I really enjoyed doing this exercise!
Me: Wow, Julie! I think you’re the first one to actually have enjoyed it!
Just a little context – it’s Rachel in her friend Lee’s car. Lee has returned, picked up Rachel and is driving back to the manor. But what happened? What’s the event that’s driving (yes, pun) Lee’s emotions and actions?
1.
Directly in front of them Matthew’s car glistened in the sun. Rachel remembered Lee saying his obsession was polishing, but that thought was cut short as she realised Lee was driving straight at her husband’s BMW. Rachel braced herself for impact. Lee wasn’t going to stop…Then she did. Feels like PD3 to me, because of you mentioning the characters’ names. And when you say ‘Rachel remembered Lee saying …’ we’re inside her head instead of outside, observing facts. If you zoom out a little, it’ll be PD1.
3.
Directly in front was Matthew’s car. It was an obsession of his, Lee used to say, ‘to polish the crap out of everything.’ Its shining windows loomed, like wet ground under a falling apple. Rachel’s knuckles hit to dashboard as she felt the force of Lee’s foot on the accelerator. Shit, she wasn’t going to stop… Then she did. Nailed it here. Saying ‘she felt the force of …’ filters it and filtering means PD3, right?
5.
There was Matthew’s car, blindingly clean. Still polishing the crap out of everything, as Lee used to say. Oh shit. She’s not braking. No. She’s flooring it. Oh please, oh God, she’s aiming right at it. I’m going to be scraped off his bonnet, mashed-up-dead, and I’m wearing old knickers. Shit! Hahaha! We would worry about that, wouldn’t we? Yes, we definitely would. Well, I do think you started with a PD 4, mentioning facts but up close, with detachment. Until … pure emotions pop up at the thought of being scraped off a man’s bonnet ( had to look that up, only knew the meaning of ‘a woman’s cap’) wearing old knickers.
Ow, she’s stopped. Very nice.
1-5
Ahead Matthew’s car glistened in the sun. Lee used to say he’d polish the crap out of everything. She was coming in faster. Accelerating, not braking. No! Rachel’s knuckles hit the dashboard. She’s aiming for the bloody car. Going to wipe both of us out. Last thing I’m seeing is that Yankee air freshener. Should have put my best knickers on. Shit!
Ow, she’s stopped.
And … it’s perfect.
Well, we, in this neat little group, may never wear old knickers ever again. Off to either M&S or Victoria’s Secret it is!
Anja
Hi Gillian,
Here are my comments (soon we’ll be listening to ‘douze points’ again) for the PD assignment:
You: Hope I’ve got the general idea this time!
Me: I think you do, yes …
Original
Ruth describes the landscape of her childhood as if she can see it. She tells Dani about the wagtails that pivoted themselves up and over the rotting slats of the fence, and about walking along the river under the willows where water voles sat on patches of water weed using both hands to feed themselves. You had to tread carefully or they plopped into the water and made for holes in the river bank, creating a v-shaped bow-wave with their noses. The present tense you love so much – no comments.
(PD 2-3, present tense)
PD 1 past tense
The canal path had been transformed into an environmentally-friendly place for Londoners to stroll and rediscover waterside life and that’s where Ruth took everyone for a walk after lunch one Sunday. The young ones raced on ahead leaving Ruth and Dani behind, talking about their past. I think naming names falls beyond the scope of PD1 so the last sentence makes it PD2. If you’d refer to Ruth as ‘the woman’ (and her child) it would still be 1.
PD 3
Ruth and Dani walked along the canal path lined with willows, boots squelching in the mud that reminded her of the watery landscapes where she grew up. His quiet way of listening had helped her to unearth the endless list of losses that belonged, unvisited, to her past: mother, father, childhood home – all gone now. Something fell into the water and automatically she looked for a water vole, nose headed towards the bank. None there. Nailed it.
PD5
Ruth was flooded with watery images from her childhood. Plop! A water vole? Haven’t they all vanished? The lump in her throat was so big she couldn’t speak. She slumped onto a bench. OK. Deep breath. It feels like looking into a deep well of absences but it’s about time I did. Mother. Dead from pneumonia after the flood. Dad faded away. Selling my home. All gone. A tear drops onto her hand. But it’s a relief to hear myself say it.
You’ve got to do what you can to preserve these watery worlds. I think it’s PD4 because her memories are still about being memories, there’s a certain sadness but it’s still relatively detached. There’s no scolding involved. To mention her tears together with the watery world … fantastic.
Rewrite, moving from 1 to 5
Walking along the canal path with Dani Ruth described the watery landscape of her childhood to Dani as if unearthing an endless list of losses. Hearing herself tell the story she realized all over again how much she had lost in a short time. The lump in her throat made it hard to breathe. She had to sit. Both parents dead. Home sold. No more water voles. All gone. Making the inventory brings some a relief. That’s what makes me so determined to preserve these watery worlds.
Tbh, I do not care for putting ‘dead parents’ and ‘no more water voles’ next to each other because they do not fall into the same category … Maybe just a little more focus that it’s all about change and/or loss? Because you do mention the endless list of losses, and that’s touchingly beautiful.
But ‘That’s what makes me so determined to preserve these watery worlds’ feels ‘telling’, not ‘showing’.
Still, I liked how you used the full spectrum of PD’s. It added depth to your writing.
How did you feel about using the past tense, Gillian? Was it difficult?! Because it looks quite natural …
Anja
Wow, Gill!
She’d bloody better! Ha!
🙂
