Anja Boersma
Forum Replies Created
-
Replies
-
Hi Paula,
Well!
Oh, it’s very Trump-y indeed!
So … Katie mentioned that there’s a difference in perception between “is that a boner in my pants” and “is that a boner in his pants” so would that be PD5 and PD4?
Well, the mere fact that he’s turned on because of the cheering of the crowd is just how these megalomaniac men are. It’s all about power. But then again, women are turned on by that power in men too (ages ago, Monika Lewinksy).
Here’s my modest attempt to get a grip on Lionel’s PD’s:
- Texan billionaire Lionel White stands on a high podium. His backdrop is a one-hundred-metre stainless steel rocket attached to a scaffold frame, pointing at the sky. A crowd of supporters pulsates on a viewing platform, waving miniature White Light flags. They cheer as he steps up to the microphone. PD1, clearly.
- Lionel White feels a rush as the crowd cheers. This is what he lives for. The dry heat has swelled the capillaries on his face, antagonizing his eczema (it’s something he can feel, so yes, close third person POV). He would be scarlet, but for the pressed powder his PR officer brushed over his cheeks. It had an orange tinge. He hopes he doesn’t look too much like a walking Cheeto snack. Seeing the sea of smiles, he forgets about that. They love him. PD3/4?
- What a rush! Too bad that PR stuck orange powder all over his face. No matter. They love him. Is that a boner in his pants? Jeez, this is better than Viagra! PD4/5, very nice. A boner in my pants would make it a true PD5?
Combined version:
Texan billionaire Lionel White stands on a high podium. His backdrop is a one-hundred-metre stainless steel rocket attached to a scaffold frame, pointing at the sky. The crowd cheers, waving their flags. What a rush! Shame that PR (insert: lady) stuck orange powder all over his face. He hopes he doesn’t look too much like a walking Cheeto snack. No matter. They love him. Is that a boner in his pants? Jeez, this is better than Viagra!
Love it, Paula. Great character, your Orange Man.
I think you’ve nailed it with the PD’s, no worries.
Anja
Hi Katie,
I’ve read your and Gill’s discussion and it’s awe-inspiring how you both got this subject nailed!
I dare hardly comment on this let alone write my own homework … but I’m brave and thinking of the words “an expert is someone who’s made all the mistakes and learned from them” so … I’ll just leave it there.
My overal impression of your writing? You should be a horror writer! But hey, you’re writing about ‘Mary had a little cult and never left it’ so … You ARE a horror writer but it’s brilliant! Paula called you poetic, which I also agree with. You’re a poetic horror writer, what a combo.
Original passage, annotated
You state:
[PD2 – 3 – 4 – 3]
I disagree with one PD, the last one.
Mary went back to work, turning labels face side up and slotting baskets into each other like Russian dolls. PD2 (agree)
She even got used to the nightshift, the hours drifting by in swollen silence. PD3 (agree)
Isn’t it strange how full of noise the world is at night? PD4 (agree)
Fluorescent lights and a parade of fridges, all coming together in dull harmony. PD3 (disagree)
I’m on the fence about calling this PD3, because calling them ‘coming together in dull harmony’ is someone’s POV, and not quite neutral as a narrator would be. So I would say this has to be Mary’s opinion of the supermarket and also PD4.
[PD1]
The supermarket had opened seven years ago and, outside of national holidays, had not shut its doors since. During the night, less staff were needed. Without customers, there would be no interruptions, no requests to ‘check the back’ for items missing from the shelves. Nothing but the parade of fridges and fluorescent lights to bear witness to the labour inside.When you mention ‘Without customers, there would be no interruptions, no requests to ‘check the back’for items missing from the shelves.’ I think that goes into a bit of PD2 because it hints at staff being asked those questions. [Should this ever be turned into a movie the tag line would be ‘you’ll never set foot at Tesco’s ever again’].
[PD3]
Mary sank back in the routine of work, shuffling between the aisles and dropping baskets into each other like Russian dolls. She had gotten used to the nightshift by now. Took comfort in the swollen silence. How the fluorescent lights and the parade of fridges all came together in dull harmony.The setting is very much part of the PD3. I have no comments other than that I like the fact that I sense Mary does not care much about people but also that she may have to overcome her fear of people in the future. So it tells me a lot but it’s definitely ‘show not tell’. Very nice.
[PD5]
Back again. Turn the label face up. Another. Sounds like shh, shh. Drop the basket in just the right spot. Flllllnk, Fllllllnk. Neat. Like Russian dolls. Night shift’s quiet. But full of sound. Swollen with not-sounds. Fluorescent lights and fridges, all humming. Hmhmm, Mhmhm.Yes, it’s PD5 yet I don’t get a sense of how Mary really feels about her job the way you show in the re-written passage so magnificently. I love Chithrupa’s suggestion of what happens when the bottle of tomato ketchup (and is it Heinz or is a nameless version of fake Heinz – the red must come from half a dozen of E-numbers and modified corn syrup not a real tomato in there, Mary may think?) is dropped and explodes. (I’m not a fan of tomato ketchup either real or fake).
Re-written passage.
Without customers, the night shift was free of interruptions. Mary did not miss the customers, their bodies pressing into her personal space. There would be no more stranger clawing at the shelves behind her, dirty fingernails missing her by an inch, or once or twice, snagging her hair on their way past. But the memories wouldn’t fade, would they? One in particular clung on, of a man’s damp hand wrapped around her own, aiming for the bottle of ketchup inside. He’d stared, like she was the problem, like she was in his way. Stupid girl. Dropping the bottle, making a mess. People stared, like she was crazy, like he didn’t provoke her. What should she have done? Handed him a new bottle? Not flinch when his hand grazed hers? Smiled, of course. Cleaned it up, like a good girl. Keep smiling. Laugh. Bow.No comments, love the rewrite.
So is Mary not a people’s person or is she a germophobic? Is she glad to clean things and keep them tidy and upset over people and their sweaty hands all over the refrigerator doors in ‘her’ supermarket? Whatever, it is a fantastic piece of writing. Yes, you arrived somewhere interesting alright. Ha!
It did indeed bring out a lot!
You know, I wish I could just give an emoji here as a thumbs up or a little red heart so as to indicate I’ve read your words … But: we’re writers and we can express ourselves with words.
On to the next assignment now!
Anja
Hi Gill,
How brave you were for going first!
(Not that I’m going second, no way!)
Anyway, you really show us how it’s done … KAFKA’S COCKROACH!
The scene-setting is lovely in the PD1. This is a wonderful creation of a library.
PD3 has lots of Laura’s emotions and setting us up for tension and drama, excellent.
PD5: brilliant, just brilliant. Question: how can you be so brilliant?!
Because after that Kafkaesque scene, you put all the – fairly common – sentences behind each other and somehow they blend into a completely perfect scene! All the beads have been woven into some priceless Tiffany necklace …
It’s inspiring, that’s for sure.
Anja
That’s an excellent reason, Paula!
Thanks!
Hi Kate,
Only for a second did I wonder whether Annie was in love with Harry but soon it became perfectly clear that she was smitten with the piano, and it’s a lovely surprise. There is something magical about a ‘machine’ that can produce such beautiful tones, and for Annie to realise it’s coming from her hands … It says so much about her. And I think that’s both the case for POV Annie first person and POV Annie third person. They’re very much alike. I don’t need to read about her every emotion coming from the surprise of what she is achieving, I can read between the lines. Though, this is something that Debi will discuss in our new Week, Week 4, I know. It was just something I was wondering about.
The scene from Harry’s POV is just as satisfying. He’s laughing at first, which seems like a typical and normal reaction. And then, when he realises she may be interested in making music, he helps her, makes room for her on the stool … It makes him very sympathetic.
Great writing throughout!
It feels like you’re painting a picture with a very delicate brush … I love it.
Anja
Debi,
I took note of the use of “She” and “They” and that it’s perfectly fine in English.
Thanks!
Hi Steven,
The story is hilarious!
Serafina wondering if she is a curse … Is she superstitious much?! It is something to use as a recurrent thing, that she does things like that … MILK IT!
I like all the POV’s but will reread to see which one is my favorite now …
Nope, no favorite. Really, I love them all. Cudoos for writing from Serafina’s POV so female-ly, Steven!
(Okay, honestly? Serafina WAS my favourite but I didn’t want to say it but it’s true, she’s deliciously over-the-top but I think it would be way too much to give her long chapters but if you can squeeze her ‘stalker’s sense of humor – or is it a creepy kind of love? – that would be a great fit with Lester’s ‘sport oriented’ male POV.)
Does Serafina say “sacrificied all my dolls” in the past tense because her English is not that fluent? But then, ‘sacrifice’ is quite a word to use if one is not fluent in English.
And: how many dolls does she own?! She might mention an especially favourite doll to appease the Cricket Gods?
Fun read this was!
Anja
Hi Alison,
Sorry to be so late but here are my thoughts on Week Three – POV:
The swings had always been our spot where we’d laugh and chat for hours. But today, however hard I tried, I couldn’t get my swing to move in rhythm with hers. SO MUCH SHOWING NO TELLING – WONDERFUL.
I blurted out, “Stop swinging Nell! Why are you being so aloof?”
I regretted the question.I knew exactly why.
“Aloof? What’s that even mean?” she asked. AGAIN, WONDERFUL.
“It means you’re ignoring me,” I said, fluctuating the volume of my voice as she continued to swing back and forth. LOVELY DETAIL.
“You’re ignoring everyone else, doing whatever you want in the name of the kindness quad.” SUCH CONFLICT, LOVE IT. GREAT DIALOGUES.
Though true, her words hurt.
I hung my head and muttered, “I’ve really become the lone warrior.”
“Lone what?” Nell stopped swinging. AGAIN, LOVELY WAY TO SHOW THEIR MISUNDERSTANDING.
“Lone warrior. That’s what Pretzel calls me.”
“Huh! You make yourself sound like some kind of superhero. You and Pretzel deserve each other.”
That stung.
As she got up, I panicked.
“I’m sorry! I don’t want to be a lone warrior.”
“Then let the lone warrior thing go, it sounds so lame.”
PERFECT SCENE!!! You captured their friendship as well as their conflict perfectly!
This is what dialogue can do, right? (I love dialogue!)
And then with Nell’s POV:
It’s good to see her feelings BUT they are also encapsuled in Noah’s POV, because your dialogue is so great! But yes, it’s good to exercise and do some heavy lifting with those writer’s muscles.
And then for some more push-ups you have Noah’s POV, third person:
There’s a little more TELLLING not SHOWING in this segment. Very interesting! So, I’m going against my preference of reading in third person here; I think Noah’s voice is stronger in first person because we’re inside his head and it’s a very troubled head indeed. His fear is shown never told, it’s very strong writing.
Regards,
Anja
Hi Paula,
Can I just ask: why did you chose a paragraph near the end of the story? Because, since the character has to go through a change, don’t you want to show them the way they are in the beginning? That’s what I was wondering when I read your assignment. But then again, the assignment was to post a scene from three different POV’s and that’s what you’ve done.
POV Graye:
“She smells sweeter than outside Prentl’s Bakery when I was a kid.” I’m always looking for descriptions of the five senses but in the urgency of this moment, it’s pulling me out of the story instead of drawing me in, I think it’s because of the “when I was a kid”, it goes into a detail from his childhood and this is not the place for it.
“I can feel my cheeks stretched back in …” Since this is his POV, I don’t need to see that “I can feel” bit. I think it suffices to say “My cheeks are stretched back in …” But then, would Graye still smile if he feels her stiffen? Wouldn’t he say that his smile froze on his face?
I like how Graye sees that Jacqui is pulling herself together.
First person POV Jacqui
I love this POV particularly.
I’m on the fence about Jacqui’s ‘growling’ … Maybe she does it and is aware that she’s acting like one of her lionesses? But then again, that could be distracting. The urgency of the moment calls for short sentences and you do that perfectly.
I do think that I would want to read how she is able to see his face and all his reactions when they are in the Zimbabwe darkness. Is there a little moonlight? Are there oil lamps nearby? Or is it a bright night with thousands of stars? There could be the hum of a generator nearby to explain for electricity if it’s there?
Third person POV Jacqui
I like this POV even more! I like to read it with a little distance instead of being inside Jacqui’s head. It’s not all that different and I don’t have an analysis at hand for why I always prefer third person POV but I do! I hardly ever read books written from first person POV (but I’ll make an exception for Chithrupa’s, of course!).
Regards,
Anja
Hi Debi,
Thank you for your comments. My apologies for replying late, I was away in the country with Easter and an extra day, and unfortunately I had forgotten to bring my laptop to keep up with our wonderful Editing Gang, and with the Dutch Easter weather it would have been wonderful to have spent it online.
Anyway, about your comments.
I’ve let them sink in and realised it was typical that I never got close into Wendall’s head when he IS the protagonist. He is a 35-year old man and old before his time. He should totally respond to seeing Alexandra too, I agree. He’s just been beaten down by Mother that he’s given up all hope. Maybe, after polishing his glasses, he will sit up and take notice! I think I’ll do that, yes. He will blink and … sparks will fly.
Anja
Thank you, Katie!
I was away for the Easter Holiday and forgot to bring my laptop! Stupid stupid stupid, missing precious days of interacting with our gang. (My iphone is an old-fashioned small one with tiny JW emails on it so I only looked for Debi’s comment but then I could not reply via the link, doh! But thank you for your spot-on comments – especially that remark about switching to present tense in the “I” POV. It just happened without much thought or analyzing. I did edit sober!) I think we tend to switch to present tense because the “I” POV seduces us to live/write in the present … That’s it!
And now I’m picturing Alexandra wearing a ridiculous cowboy hat on that train ride! 🙂 Hmmm …
Anja
Hi Chithru,
You said: “I need to smoothen the transition between setting and action.”
This statement is so wonderful! I’m copying it into my document of notes of ‘smart things people say here’! I’m like, am I having smooth transitions between setting and action? Good question and/or tip. Some editor/writer/agent said “make the setting part of the action”and I think you managed that, yes.
Let me reread Xander’s POV and see if you did that, if the one is part of the other …And let me look for dry humor in Xander’s voice … when I really think I don’t need it to be very funny when he’s describing a really painful death!! Am I alone here?! Really! For me, the humor should be when Xander’s only just realising what’s happening to him, here in:
“You see, I had a well-known allergy to shellfish. Everyone knew it, including my pampered son Taylor. Unfortunately, he was too foolish to realise that an oyster fell under the category of shellfish.”
Everybody knew about my potentially lethal allergy to shellfish, including my sweet yet daft son Taylor. Unfortunately, GBP 20,000 a year in private school tuition (maybe name the school ?) wasn’t enough to learn that oysters are members of the large family of crustaceans and mollusks.
I think Xander’s dry humor is stronger when he’s in the hospital, contemplating what happened to him, and that’s the perfect spot for it!
But, again, I don’t need to laugh when he’s choking to death in a most painful manner! I think there’s nothing wrong with a moment of rest in between the many, many chuckles …
Anja
Thank you, Richard, for the explanation!
Well, “Breathing in like Darth Vader” may be something of a fit title too!
When I, in my job as a secretary, encountered a bunch of firemen in our building (someone was frying cheese balls too close to the fire alarm) they were not wearing masks at all. So where do you keep those masks if there is no fire, only a fire alarm going off? One guy carried the hose, another guy had the axe …
I’m sure someone in our office offered them a fried cheese ball for their troubles … Climbing up the stairs to the 11th floor …These men were FIT!
Anja
Hi Lucia,
I agree with Chithrupa that, miraculously, somehow your close third person POV gets me more emotionally invested in Anna’s story than her first person POV.
Let me read it again to see WHY I would feel that way … Hmm … maybe because in first person POV ‘she steels a glance at Robert’, as if self-conscious that he’s watching her every move, so maybe this makes me think she’s distracted by his presence? And in close third person POV she’s utterly involved in the treatment of her patient, Margaret. So, yes, close third person POV has me completely immersed in your story and makes me care about Anna.
Robert’s POV:
Upon reading, I don’t know if Robert is a loving son or not. Maybe he’s just realistic about death, it could be that. Or maybe he wants to get it over with and learn how much is in the will … Either way, I think you may have some fleshing out to do of his character! Is he a true antagonist or just the catalyst of the things that will go wrong?
The details of the things Anna notices, the description of Margaret’s hands as ‘a little bag of bones’ particularly, are splendid.
