Anja Boersma
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Hi Katie,
Can I just say, your poetic voice shines through here and it’s delightful.
- The description of the retired ballerina … mesmerising, the way you describe her elegance. Yet when you says she’s a smoker, that goes against my expectations and I love that. And her feet break out in hives if she stays in the same place too long, fantastic. The ballroom as the backdrop of where the scene takes place, also fantastic.
- When Serene calls Mary ‘child’ I get the feeling she must be an older woman, in her fifties at least. Is that your intention? I do like how you don’t mention anything about her age, that you let it come through using these subtle hints.
- Then it’s third person POV but whose is not quite clear. We see the actions through Serene’s eyes but the thoughts through Mary’s. Even though this probably means it’s Mary’s POV (and since it is her story you’re writing that makes sense, of course), it does feel a bit ambiguous and that’s not right in this case.
Katie, I love how you use the details/setting of the hotel to paint the picture … Rather magnificent!
Hi Lucia,
Oh, it was you who wanted a description of the puppy! Sorry, I thought it was Gill.
Well, I know this is *my* story and I *love* dogs but I worry that too much dog details might chase away the cat people so that’s why I keep them to a minimum. I’m not writing the story constantly worrying about chasing away the cat people but they are a different kind, aren’t they? 🙂
I’ve taken note of the fact that you didn’t like the sentence about ‘needing a few months to find a cute husband’.
I threw it in there at the last moment … She’s a horny Christian who wants to save herself for marriage but I guess it’s too much.
Thanks!
Hi Chithrupa,
Thank you for your thoughts!
Good suggestions; I could only think of the smell of damp and wetness, trying to come up with train details … Lavender perfume, ha! Or maybe the puppy could fart, as per Gill’s question of puppy details 🙂
(What I learned about smelly train rides in summer: don’t sit next to a bearded man, he’s unlikely to have used anti-perspirant.)
Hi Richard,
To be inside a fireman’s head … These three POV’s are wonderful. I found it strange that I loved the 3<sup>rd</sup> person most. Maybe, because of the intense subject, I rather preferred the distance than being inside the fireman’s head?
Thoughts: even though your sentences are short and to the point, I think they could even be shorter for more effect …
Example:
Old scene:
I knew then, I had just found my first real casualty. Not a dummy like in training school. This was real. My heart was pumping hard, and I called out again. This time I turned my head in his direction.
‘Graham! I’ve found a casualty!’
Shorter scene:
I had just found my first real casualty. Not a dummy like in training school. My heart was pumping hard, and I called out again. I turned in [what I hoped was] his direction.
‘Graham! Casualty here!’
For the second paragraph, I thought I’d ‘pull a Debi’ … Question every sentence!
We were no more than half a metre apart [how could you be sure?], but the smoke was so thick [how thick is it? Find a way to describe it] it was impossible to know for certain. I reached back in the direction of his voice and pulled him. The casualty was lying on his back, unresponsive [that makes sense but how did you establish he was really dead if you couldn’t see anything?]. He felt like a large man [that’s a bit vague, maybe pat down his outline?] but I couldn’t see his body unless I bent close enough to touch his chest with my face mask [last part of the sentence reads slightly awkward]. I learnt for the first time [maybe say: then and there?] that lifting and dragging an unconscious human being is not the same as lifting a dummy in the training house at Reigate.
“Imagine pushing a needle and thread through one hundred and fifty baking potatoes” … brilliant sentence and metaphor.
Question: “an unconscious casualty” … so casualty in itself does not mean a dead person? Just a victim of the fire?
In Graham’s POV:
There’s a ‘was’ too much: “it was my responsibility was”
And, I’m ‘pulling another Debi’ but only a small one here too:
‘Where are you?’ I shouted back. I can’t even see his helmet torch light and if he’s found someone, we’ll need to get them out fast. I held my breath [don’t you have something to breathe through? I thought they were wearing masks? so he was holding his breath out of anxiety?], trying to pinpoint his location, then I felt his hand grab[bing] my tunic. He’s [close]. I couldn’t drop the hose reel, but we needed to move. I knelt down and reached out with my spare [I doubt you have a spare hand, just say ‘hand’], feeling for [that could be read as ‘emotional’, maybe say ‘pat down?’] the casualty in the dark. Found it. [He’s big]. I [pulled at his arm]. He didn’t budge and the hose reel was [blocking my movements]. Rich was on the other side. [We needed to co-ordinate our efforts. I think this goes without saying, I think you don’t have to spell everything out to the reader.]
Richard, great stuff! You got my adrenaline level way up!
Anja
Hi Katie,
It’s a SPLENDID piece of writing indeed and I think a wonderful first chapter too — very much the opposite of the first version BUT … It makes me wonder: will you also do Mary’s character development in the opposite direction? From being a strong woman in the end towards the insecure and instable young woman she used to be?
Hmm …
Still, an attention grabber it is!
It was my pleasure, Gill.
Hi Gill,
Well, she IS squinting! Ha, Bruce turned bald really early but was still very manly.
You know, I think I could actually play with it, that he’d maybe look more like Bruce in summer, and wearing a vest, and carrying a gun not an umbrella, and say ‘yippakayee MF’ … Anyway, definitely something to consider.
Thank you.
Hi Gillian,
I don’t know what you did but you fixed it!
You used different POV’s yet somehow they’re all in the present tense … Quite remarkable.
Well, the collapsing bridge, so typical of Simon’s falling apart, was happening in real time yesterday, so tragic …
POV 1: When you say: “… James walks in, still hanging on to Simon’s hand so he doesn’t have a choice.” – That may sound slightly ambiguous because one might read it as if it’s James who doesn’t have a choice when I assume you mean Simon.
POV 1: “It won’t be easy but I have to find out more.” This sentence feels not right for me. It’s hard to pinpoint down exactly why – is it ‘show don’t tell’? I don’t think so. Maybe it’s simply a matter of Ruth overthinking the matter? It’s slightly unnatural, I think.
I find the corkscrew detail fantastic, how it’s in POV 1 but not in POV 2.
POV 2: “those big hands of hers” – great detail, I love it.
“That’s when she looked at me properly.” I think this should be “looks” at me because you use present tense throughout here.
POV 3: In my opinion, this is by far the best part. You talk about Ruth’s emotions – which are the same as in POV 1, of course – but I think it’s more natural, a better flowing of the (sad!) story.
Regards,
Anja
HOMEWORK WEEK 3: POV – SAME SCENE, THREE TIMES.
- Wendall: POV 3<sup>rd</sup> person
The 4: 50 pm from Leeds to Heptonstall was crowded.
Wendall Knightley shuffled along the corridor and held his damp umbrella in front of his wax raincoat. The three or four passengers in front him stumbled onto any empty seats before he did and settled down triumphantly as if participating in a game of musical chairs.
On the platform, a metallic voice through the loudspeaker repeated once more what passengers already knew, that the 4:25 from Leeds didn’t go because it’d been damaged in the storm earlier.
And then Wendall caught sight of it. Not just an available half-spot but something that filled him with joy and yearning: an adorable young pup sitting on someone’s lap.
“Is that a German Shepherd?” he burst out. “How young?”
“Howdy,” the woman said. “Nine weeks old this young lady is.”
“Mind if I sit here?” said Wendall to a greasy-haired teenager blocking the window seat with his backpack. The heavy metal on the boy’s Walkman could be heard through his headset. The boy, dressed in dungeon black, lifted his baggage almost unwillingly and Wendall wormed his way to it, the only vacant spot out of four.
Why were young people so territorial? A train was a means of public transport not a private one.
“I’ve always wanted a German Sheperd,” Wendall confessed to the woman.
“Then why don’t you?” she asked. “Full-time job at the office?”
He shook his head. “No, it’s not that.” He removed the rain-stained glasses from his nose and polished them before he put them back on. (258 words)
- Wendall: POV 1<sup>st</sup> person
The 4: 50 pm from Leeds to Heptonstall was crowded.
I shuffle along the corridor and keep my umbrella in front of me. There’s three or four passengers in front of me who need to find empty seats before I can find a spot. One by one, they settle down happily.
Outside, the announcer repeats what we already know, that the 4:25 from Leeds isn’t going because a tree fell down and damaged it.
The last person in front of me sits down in an available seat so the next spot will be for me.
And then I see something I’ve always wanted.
“Is that a German Shepherd?” I forget all my manners and address this woman who’s a complete stranger to me.
And then I see the spot across from her is empty. All I need to do is climb over a dreary teenager who’s lost in his own world with his Walkman on. I hear some dreadful music coming out of it, no wonder no one will sit next to him. But … that cute pup. I’ve always wanted a dog but Mother has a ton of objections against it.
The woman smiles at me in a very nice manner.
“Excuse me,” I say to the rude young man.
Then I smile at the woman and ask her how young the pup is.
“Howdy,” she replies. “Nine weeks old this young lady is.”
‘Howdy? ‘
Foreigner, obviously. (238 words)
3 Alexandra: POV 1<sup>st</sup> person
Now, why did I think this would be fun?
The weather’s a nightmare and this frickin’ train’s too crowded! Why don’t these trains work? So what, a storm fells a tree and now the whole schedule’s messed up? How hard is it to pick up a fallen tree? Can I only use the train in summer?
I pull Sammie closer on my lap. It was awesome of Daddy to give me someone to keep me warm at night but I guess I need it in the daytime too.
Good golly, the smell of this train.
I wonder how long before Dad’ll show up unannounced?
Please God, give me a few months to settle and find me a cute husband!
He doesn’t have to look or sound like Hugh Grant – Daddy would absolutely die if I ended up with a sissy-husband like that.
A man stumbles through the corridor, looking for a spot. Now, this guy definitely does not look like Hugh Grant. But yeah, I have nothing against bald men as long as they have confidence, you know? Kojak had confidence. I think it’s because bald men are often blessed with deep voices, indicators of a healthy dose of testosterone as much as their hairless scalp. I mean, just look at Bruce Willis.
I look at Baldie again. When I squint I get a vague Bruce Willis vibe. Good enough for me!
I open my mouth to call to him ‘here’s a seat, if that punk will lift his bag for ya’ but he already sees it, yay! (258 words)
Everyone,
I forgot to say that my story takes place in the past, in the spring of 1999. I chose that because the story takes place in Turkey and ever since that horrible 9/11 event everything seemed to be about fear of the Islam, and I wanted to avoid that. In 1999, we had fear of the Millennium bug, remember? Hard to imagine now 🙂
Anja
Hi Gillian,
Your piece is impossible to read! Technical issues again?! Something’s very wrong with it …
I had troubles logging in yesterday, could not get into the forum at all …
Hope Kat or Verity can fix the issue. It was you who had trouble posting earlier last week, wasn’t it?
So weird …
Hope it gets fixed soon.
Anja
Hi Gill,
I love all the three parts of this.
There is so much *emotion* in each scene, I feel so sorry for Laura …
I want to say something useful but frankly, you *nailed* this!
So I’ll say something unuseful maybe? Because I really don’t want to go there … how strong the scene is when you write 1st person POV Laura …
Drat, I went there! But you know, it doesn’t mean you should write it 1st person at all. This was just an exercise. I would just like to say that Laura’s emotions come across in a very strong way. How do you feel? Can you see it?
Anja
Hi Chithrupa,
I’ve been having trouble logging in and now I’m crazy far behind with all of everyone’s work when I wanted to be in the top three of early birds … but I think I’m back, I hope! Goodness, it was only ONE day but what a nightmare.
Anyway: I don’t have a lot of things, BROC is all I have time for, being behind …
1. First person Xander’s POV:
Add: [that did me in] after ‘anaphylactic shock’ (since it’s not always lethal).
Delete: ‘well-known’, it’s superfluous.
2. Taylor’s POV:
When Xander is fighting for his life, I don’t think he cares about the carpet that much anymore, although it IS possible but then I would emphasize how silly it is to think about things like that when you can’t breathe any more. Does that make sense?
3. Third person POV Xander:
I think “hadn’t been great” instead of “haven’t been great”.
Of course you CAN write in ‘third person’! You just don’t like it!
Fortunately, it’s only an exercise … You trained that mysterious writer’s muscle that’s located somewhere between your head and your hands …
Fun read, as always.
Anja
Hi Lucia,
No, Alex is not carrying a gun (worried about it being confiscated at Heathrow) but she will need one in the future being a veterinarian, or at least a tranquiliser gun.
Hi Debi,
Yes, I meant ‘psychological’ because of his character development.
I’ll just continue this edit with the strong focus on both romance and adventure.
Thank you, Richard!!
That actually worked!
