Debi Alper
Forum Replies Created
-
Replies
-
Yes, do practise, Julie. It’s a new tool and it takes a while before you can wield it with confidence.
Hope you’re having a fabulous time at the Laks, Gillian. Yes – push, push, push at those boundaries. They’re self-imposed, so it’s up to you to break them down.
Yeah, I meant my son as a colloquial way for him to address Rico, not literally with a parent addressing her son.
Chithrupa – I’m not surprised you’re struggling because your project is more complex than most. In theory, in first person, they narrate at PD1 and internally react in PD4-5. But you’re sort of writing meta-fiction – a story within a story. There’s Xander the ghost, who has his own trajectory and thread, and pre-death Xander, in the past, which Narrator Xander is telling us about. Your PD4-5 could apply to each of version of him. It all depends on which version you want us to relate to at any given time. Has that helped?
My pleasure, Anja.
Re this: “PD 2 shows Wendall from the outside standing on the platform clutching his umbrella” – but no action, correct? No, because action would turn it PD3 … No, it’s not the lack of action that makes the difference between PD2 and 3 but the lack of interiority ie POV. PD2 is showing a character only from the outside. Anyway, *clutching* is action.
Not sure how I feel about living under your desk, Alison. 😀 Someone once said they wanted a pop-up Debi, like the old Microsoft paperclip ‘help’. I’d appear in the corner of your screen, saying, ‘Hello. Looks like you’re writing a novel. Can I help you with that?’
Seriously though, you don’t need me. You just need self-belief. Re your voice about the narrator, I’m not sure you can have both. The POV voice will be young and that has to be consistent. Your PD1 narrator sits at the other end of the spectrum and has their own voice. But maybe you don’t have a PD1 adult narrator at all. That’s also a possibility, especially if you aim for a close POV and voice.
You never fail to entertain, Steven. I love the way you have elevated slapstick to Lester embodying Nelson to engage his opponents in battle, cannonballs replaced by marshmallows. You have a wonderful sense of the ridiculous. What a delight. This scene is near the end, so Lester’s character arc is almost complete. He knows what he wants and he’s going to get it. Great stuff.
But let’s get down to the business of the PD. In common with most people who do this exercise, you haven’t stretched out to PD1. You’ve hit PD5, but only by changing the voice to first person. Again, many of your coursemates also fell into this trap, as you’ll see when you read my feedback on the other threads. To repeat: while it can feel intuitive to switch from third person to first at PD5, it needs to be done so seamlessly that the reader (unless they’re also a writer, who’s trained themselves to spot these things!) won’t notice.
Let’s get straight down to the detail.
PD 1
A large pink marshmallow wet with lager, flew across the busy Indian restaurant and hit the captain of Wetwicker. PD2 – we’re already seeing action in an unfolding scene. Lester interrupted his speech to inspect the pink missile gummed to the lapel of his white blazer. PD3 – we’re in his POV, albeit shallow. He brushed it away and scratched the pink goo. PD3-2 – a little more distant because it’s describing his external actions, whereas *inspect* is more internal. At the doorway, Arthur Chance and his team tittered as they simultaneously dipped marshmallows into their lagers. PD2
The reason you haven’t hit PD1 is because you were struggling to do something that you now know is impossible: ie show action in a scene at PD1. You’ve stripped out Lester’s POV voice though, so it’s distant in that sense but PD1 could stretch out much further. As I’ve said elsewhere, you’re most likely to encounter it at the beginning of a scene or chapter. For a WIP like this, you would want your narrator to have a wry but light tone that’s consistent with the tone of the story. One of the things that’s struck me from the beginning is that the humour in your story is gentle and never nasty. We might be laughing at and not with the characters, but it’s with affection, not malice. I suspect your narrator will embody that ethos.
So, what might they talk about? Cricket is the most obvious choice. I know so little about the sport that I’m not sure if I can offer much that might be useful but maybe your narrator uses lots of cricketing metaphors. Maybe they talk about the thwack of leather on willow being the most beautiful sound in the world. Or perhaps they talk about the history of the sport. Google tells me that the British introduced cricket to India in the early 1700s. Maybe your narrator could talk about the long-standing rivalry between the teams. Given the setting in the Indian restaurant, they could talk about the British love affair with curry. They could pontificate on the range of cuisine, from watered-down spicing to suit British palates in restaurants that also offer egg and chips, to fine dining at Michelin-starred restaurants. Or say something about the nation’s favourite dish being chicken tikka masala – a dish unheard of on the Indian sub-continent and supposedly thrown together by a Bengali chef in Glasgow. As Brexit features in the story, they could talk about that, of course. Remember, your narrator can pick a side. They’re a real person, with their own opinions, even if their identity isn’t explicit. I can imagine you having lots of fun with this kind of thing. Everything is up for grabs. Relationships? Petty rivalry between middle-aged men? Sub-cultures? Unleash your trademark wit and let your PD1 narrator run with it.
PD 3
He knew that falsetto laugh. PD3 Yes there he stood, Arthur and his team smirking like school boys as they dipped marshmallows into their lagers. PD4 It wasn’t the time to be cordial. PD4
I find it so fascinating that almost all of you who had a PD1 version that was more like PD3 also have a PD3 version that’s more like PD4. It’s a good sign that you’ve understood how a slide works, even if you haven’t started at the top of the slide.
PD5
Oh my heart, what’s this…this…on me? PD5 but first person and present tense. Of course, it’s one of Arthur’s endless marshmallows. PD4-ish but present tense. He’s rattled my cage once too much. PD5 because it’s first person but it would work much better converted to past tense and third person, at PD4. Then be Rear Admiral Nelson, and show your men impeachable calmness, and return fire! A glorious form of PD5 that could only work in this WIP.
PD1-5
A large pink marshmallow wet with lager, flew across the busy Indian restaurant and hit the captain of Wetwicker. PD2 Lester flicked off the pink missile and recognised that falsetto laugh. PD3 Yes there he stood, Arthur and his team smirking as they simultaneously dipped marshmallows in their lagers. PD4 That man’s rattled my cage once too much. A very abrupt switch to a first person voice. It’s intended to be PD5 but doesn’t work as such. Then be Rear Admiral Nelson, and show your men impeachable calmness, and return fire! PD5
Okey doke. Let’s see if I can come up with a version that spans the whole spectrum.
Saturday nights were always busy at the Taj Mahal – not the exquisite marble edifice in Uttar Pradesh but the restaurant on Wetwicker high street which catered for the unsophisticated palates of the local populace, whose barometer was set to bland.
The cricket team were nearing the end of the meal and Lester, as team captain, stood to make a speech but he had barely started when a large pink marshmallow, wet with lager, flew across the packed restaurant, the sugary missile slapping onto the lapel of his white blazer. Lester knew that falsetto laugh – would recognise it anywhere. Yes, there he stood, Arthur and his team, smirking like schoolboys. Right, this was war. Rear Admiral Nelson is about to show his men impeachable calmness and return fire!
I’ve retained the tense switch at the end without also switching to first person. If this were the WIP, it might be followed by a PD3 sentence, showing Lester grabbing his own marshmallow, dunking it in lager and launching it. I can imagine some comedic exchange of fire, possibly in the voice of the narrator, punctuated by some PD5 Splat and Squelch. That would be an example of intentionally leapfrogging across the levels. It’s a shame no one in the group has attempted a reverse slide. If you were to apply one to this scene, you would start in the middle of the pitched battle and then pull away, perhaps ending up outside to the moon shining down on the restaurant.
Honestly, PD is so flexible, you can apply it in many different ways. Can you see what it can bring to your WIP? Hope so.
Hi Julie. I didn’t expect the flash of humour lurking inside Rachel’s head, even when she’s terrified. I’m really pleased you enjoyed the exercise. It’s so important to enjoy what we do and there’s a lot to learn from what you’ve posted. The first thing that strikes me is that your choice of passage doesn’t lend itself to a PD slide. That doesn’t mean you’ve chosen the ‘wrong’ passage because this, in itself, is important to understand, ie when not to use the far ends of the spectrum. For a start, this extract is plucked from the middle of a scene. That’s an unlikely place to encounter PD1. It’s more intuitive for it to appear at the beginning of a chapter or scene. Also, the drama of Lee flooring the accelerator and then braking, while it would have been tense for Rachel at the time, is pretty small in the greater scheme of things. There’s no real jeopardy and, if there is, it’s resolved in a couple of sentences. For this reason, there’s nothing much to be gained from forcing the reader to share her panic at this point at PD5. There will be lots of times of high drama, or emotional gut-punches, when PD5 will be justified but if you splash it in here, where it’s not called for, it will no longer have its power when it appears at a point where you want that impact.
That goes some way to explaining your treatment of the exercise. Your PD1 is more like PD3-4. That’s because you were struggling to impose it mid-scene. And, of course, you were trying to fulfil what you will now know was an impossible task. Your PD3 is closer, so there’s a slide there – it’s just that your PD1 was actually mid-zone. You’ve ratcheted up the tension in your PD5. Like several other people, you’ve switched to present tense and first person. If there was more of a build-up, this could work if you really are aiming for a white-knuckle ride. It’s also at PD5 that we get that humour about the old knickers. Did that take you by surprise? Did you know Rachel had a dark sense of humour? It’s very engaging and could be a moment of light relief in an otherwise dark story. While you may not have nailed the PD levels in the versions, has going deeper unearthed something about Rachel’s character that you didn’t know? Interestingly, your sliding version is all nestling at the close-in end of the spectrum. I wonder where the PD sits in your current draft. I’ve a feeling you might have completely rewritten the scene for the exercise but it wouldn’t surprise me if it’s closest to your PD1 version.
It’s not connected to PD but, just in case it does appear in the WIP, that image of the falling apple doesn’t work for me. (Sorry!) Wet ground is flat, whereas the car windows are vertical. And where does the apple fit in the analogy? It might crop up next week but, in case it doesn’t, this link to Nicola Morgan’s old blog about similes is very good. And I also agree that if they were coming up behind Matthew’s car, she’d be plastered all over the boot, not the bonnet.
Now for the detail.
PD1.
Directly in front of them Matthew’s car glistened in the sun. PD largely depends on context. If the previous sentences are in Rachel’s POV, we’ll assume we’re seeing Matthew’s car through her eyes. Depending on her voice, this sentence would either be her PD4 or the narrator’s PD2. Rachel remembered filtering Lee saying his obsession was polishing, but that thought was cut short filtering as she realised filtering Lee was driving straight at her husband’s BMW. PD3 Rachel braced herself for impact. PD3 Lee wasn’t going to stop…PD4 Then she did. PD4 because the previous sentence was and the brain will assume we’re still hearing Rachel’s voice.
Right. As you can see, this is much closer in than we’d get at PD1. To demonstrate how that might look, we’re going to need to assume this is the beginning of a chapter. Perhaps the previous chapter was with Win, in the earlier timeline. That means the narrator has to transport us from one timeline and character to this new one. Guiding the reader through the story is one of the main functions of a narrator. Do you want a kind of omniscience, whereby the narrator has an overview of both timelines? If so, they could simply state something like: Meanwhile, a century later in 2018 … That might work if the previous chapter with Win was left hanging on a cliff-edge. But it also might work if the previous chapter had zoomed out and ended with the PD1 narrator’s voice. That might be a device you could use to link the threads.
You mentioned a PD slide being like a phone camera’s zoom. That’s a good analogy but you could push it further. After all, with a phone camera there’s someone standing not that far away, operating the camera. It might be more useful to think in terms of drone footage from far above. So, you could have something like: The sun shone down on the checkerboard of neat fields bordered by trimmed hedgerows that characterised this part of rural England. The country roads were quiet, apart from a little car that was … etc. That’s rubbish, and I know you can do better, but can you see what I mean?
Your PD1 narrator can use themes to bind the threads together. Since storms are a recurring link in the story, perhaps they could talk about the nature of them in a scientific way eg something like: Today, the sky was clear. There were no <span class=”BxUVEf ILfuVd” lang=”en”><span class=”hgKElc”>cumulonimbus</span></span> clouds gathering. No low and high pressure combining their opposing forces to create menacing storms. Instead, the sky was clear … Again, this kind of voice could be used to link the threads, especially if there had been a storm at the end of the previous chapter.
Think about what a PD1 narrator might bring to the story that we couldn’t get in the POV of a character. There are ghosts and legends underpinning your story. Perhaps your narrator’s voice has an ethereal and timeless quality. They might be completely removed from the unfolding narrative. Something like: Many had lived and died on this land. Some moved on but others remained, drifting across the landscape, unable to settle, unseen by the living. Or perhaps the narrator could meditate on the meaning of time, eg: <span class=”ILfuVd” lang=”en”><span class=”hgKElc”>Linear time is an arrow launched from the past, aimed at the future. But time is not linear. It can twist and bend and move back on itself.</span></span>
A PD1 narrator can be such a useful device and those are just a few thoughts. Hopefully, they will spark off other ideas for you that I wouldn’t know about. Just remember that your narrator will need to have a voice, whether it’s portentous, authoritative, timeless or conversational.
PD3.
Directly in front was Matthew’s car. As before, this depends on the previous sentences and whether or not we know we’re in Rachel’s POV. I’d put it at PD2. It was an obsession of his, Lee used to say, ‘to polish the crap out of everything.’ PD4 – this sounds like Rachel’s voice, quoting Lee. Its shining windows loomed, like wet ground under a falling apple. I’d put that at PD2. I don’t think it’s an analogy Rachel would use. Rachel’s knuckles hit to dashboard as she felt the force of Lee’s foot on the accelerator. PD3 Shit, she wasn’t going to stop… PD4 Then she did. PD4 though it could be a jump back to the narrator at PD2. That would explain why it feels so abrupt.
As you can see, that has some movement around the middle of the spectrum, which is the sort of thing we might expect to see in the WIP. It’s not strictly PD3, but it shows your instincts are to have an ebb and flow.
PD5.
There was Matthew’s car, blindingly clean. PD4 Still polishing the crap out of everything, as Lee used to say. PD4 Oh shit. PD5 She’s not braking. PD5 – and the tense switch is not too jarring because you’ve slid into it from PD4 and the tense neutral swearing. No. PD5 She’s flooring it. PD5 Oh please, oh God, she’s aiming right at it. PD5 I’m going to be scraped off his bonnet, mashed-up-dead, and I’m wearing old knickers. PD5 with an explicit switch to first person. Shit! PD5
Ow, she’s stopped. PD5-ish – it could be PD2 but that doesn’t mesh with the present tense.
PD1-5
Ahead Matthew’s car glistened in the sun. PD2 Lee used to say he’d polish the crap out of everything. PD4 She was coming in faster. PD2-ish Accelerating, not braking. PD4 No! PD5 Rachel’s knuckles hit the dashboard. PD3 She’s aiming for the bloody car. PD4 but this tense switch does jar because you haven’t slid into it. Going to wipe both of us out. PD4-5 Last thing I’m seeing is that Yankee air freshener. You’ve switched to her as the narrator. *I’m seeing* is filtering, which could put it at PD3 if the WIP’s in first person. Except there’s unreliability here. The present tense suggests she really is slamming through the windscreen, past the air freshener. Should have put my best knickers on. PD5-ish but the humour undermines the tension here. We don’t really believe in the danger. She’s sending out mixed signals. Shit! PD5
Ow, she’s stopped. As before, PD5-ish – could be PD2 but not if it’s present tense.
There’s something interesting here that hasn’t come up on the other threads, so I’m glad I have the chance to talk about it. When we’re jammed inside a character’s head at PD5, they’re representing things as facts which might not be objectively true. But we have no way of knowing that. Sorting the fact from the fiction, knowing when we can trust them or not, is a key feature of an unreliable character. In first person, it’s more of a challenge because we only have their voice to work with. That’s why it’s easier if a first person narrative is in past tense, as in Gillian Flynn’s Dark Places. At PD1, they can pull back from their character-in-action’s interiority at PD5. It’s also more straightforward with a third person narrative, because the narrator can pull back, letting us know the character is presenting a distorted version of something we know is different in reality. We also have the opportunity to show characters through the POV of other characters, so third person has a degree of flexibility and options not available in first person. NB: please don’t interpret this as me saying third is better than first, or past tense is better than present! Each story has its own demands and we need to find the voice that works best for the story we want to tell. We can only do that if we know the implications of each voice – pros and cons.
Anyway, as you can see your sliding version was all close-in, so I’ll try to come up with one which covers the whole spectrum.
The sun shone down on the checkerboard of neat fields bordered by trimmed hedgerows that characterised this part of rural England. Lee turned the car into the driveway of the manor. In the passenger seat, Rachel could see Matthew’s car directly in front of them, glistening in the sun and she smiled to herself, remembering Lee saying he’d polish the crap out of everything. Wait though – Lee wasn’t slowing down. She’d only gone and floored the fecking accelerator and they were heading straight for Matthew’s pride and joy and Rachel was going to be scraped off his sparkly BMW, mashed-up-dead, shredded – and wearing old knickers, for Chrissakes. Stop the bloody car!
I chose the easiest version of PD1 and a stream-of-consciousness version of PD4 to build up the momentum to mirror the car’s speed. Note the play with the tenses in that PD4 sentence. It goes from pluperfect She’d … floored to past continuous were heading to the predictive was going to be. Time is blurring. The final PD5 sentence is in present tense but you’d barely notice it because we’ve zoomed there. Hope this makes sense and is useful, Julie.
Hi Alison. The first thing is to state the obvious: you’re writing your magical story for middle-grade readers, aged eight to twelve. The perhaps less obvious: children’s books tend to balance towards using more *tell* than adult novels. The main question is whether the narrative voice doing the telling is adult or is a similar age to the readers.
Your current draft sits at PD3, apart from the last sentence about the sky, which is PD1. It’s pulled back – literally, with the word Above. At PD3, we get most of what we need in a scene – we can see the character, where they are and what they’re doing. But the writing doesn’t fly off the page. That’s because we don’t get a full flavour of the narrator’s voice – they’re busy showing the character to us, rather than talking about more narrator-ish things. But we also don’t get the full force of the character’s voice, because the narrator is inserting themselves between us. This manifests in filtering: he anticipated … he knew … Knowing Mum … not wanting … met his eyes … A story that sits here throughout will be flat and one-dimensional.
Your PD1 version zooms in when you focus on Noah – but that’s because you were trying to give us what we asked for. It’s interesting (to me, anyway) that – like several of your coursemates – you’ve moved in closer at PD3 than we would get at that mid-point of the spectrum. Even though you haven’t nailed the PD for the exercise, you’ve definitely shown you know how to zoom in. And your PD5 is closer still – exemplary PD4, I’d say. Your sliding version covers most of the spectrum but the PD wobbles, as I’ll show below.PD1
A furious wind battered the little house, rattling the windows, shaking the tiles, and gleefully slamming the side gate. PD1 – I like the personification of the wind. If the gate hadn’t been left unlatched, no one would have had to venture outside. PD1 All could have stayed warm and cozy in their beds. PD1 The unfortunate one, whose bedroom was on that side of the house, was Noah. PD2 If he wanted any sleep, he would have to do something. PD3
Your PD1 narrator could do more of that delicious scene-setting, creating the mood before we zoom into Noah. They could also talk about some of the story’s themes: black holes, pollution, climate crisis, as well as phenomena like eclipses. Maybe they could show a shadow hanging over our planet. This would probably work best in the authoritative voice of an adult narrator. If you want a younger voice for your narrator, they could talk about bullying or the nature of friendship – universal and timeless themes that young readers will easily relate to. Maybe mention friends coming in different shapes and sizes – a subliminal message about diversity but also a hint about Pretzel not having human form. Actually, at some point, we might need to know something about Pretzel’s home planet and a PD1 narrator could be useful for that kind of world-building. They might have a robotic voice, or be some kind of record. Think of the Captain’s log in Star Trek.
PD3
Unable to sleep, Noah jumped out of bed. PD3 Someone’s got to close the slamming side gate, and Mum’s asleep. PD4 but a disconcerting switch to present tense. Why did I forget to latch the stupid gate, he thought, as he threw on his baggy, granny-knitted jumper? PD3 because of the filtering *he thought*. Should he wake Mum? PD4 No, his fault, so his mission. PD4 He would face whatever might be lurking out there in the night. PD4. Can you see that’s mostly his voice in the prose, making it PD4?
PD5
Got to do something about that gate. PD4-ish Why does he always have to be so brave? PD4 but present tense. Got to be brave for Mum, just like always. PD5-ish He can do this. PD4 He’s the Mission Impossible guy. PD4 One of his tricks to make himself feel tough. Hmmm. Not sure he’d be this self-aware. That sounds like the adult narrator’s perception to me.
PD1-5
A furious wind battered the little house, rattling the windows, shaking the tiles, and gleefully slamming the side gate. PD1 Unable to sleep, Noah jumped out of bed. PD3 Someone’s got to close the gate, and Mum’s asleep. PD4 – but with that disconcerting tense change. He threw on his baggy, granny-knitted jumper and shivered as he wondered what might be lurking out there in the night. PD3 Why did he forget to latch the stupid gate? PD4 Does he always have to be so brave? PD4 – but another tense change. Yes, got to be brave for Mum, like always. PD5-ish He can do this. PD4 – by definition, someone else is involved, using the pronoun *he*. He’s the Mission Impossible guy. PD4 One of his tricks to make himself feel tough. PD2-ish
You’re not the only one struggling to keep the tenses consistent, Alison. As a rough guide, if the narrative is in past tense, that’s what it will be for PD2, 3 and 4. You might have a narrator who’s standing *now*, using present tense, but that will only appear at PD1. And you might slip into present tense at PD5, but it’s more likely that your PD5 will be tense neutral. An explicit change to first person and/or present tense is always going to be hard to handle. If you find yourself using present tense anywhere else on the spectrum, I would cast a very beady eye on it. In all likelihood, you won’t have carried the reader with you through the transition.
Here’s my version of a complete slide.
The sky was a blur of ghostly clouds streaking across the dark expanse and a furious wind battered the little house, rattling the windows, shaking the tiles, and gleefully slamming the side gate. Noah’s bedroom was on that side of the house, so there was no chance of him sleeping – and anyway, he was the one who’d left the gate unlatched. As he threw on his baggy, granny-knitted jumper, he wondered if he should wake his mum. No, his fault, so his mission. He’s the Mission Impossible guy. Let’s go.
As you can see, I’ve retained the tense switch but it’s smoother. That’s because the PD4 No, his fault, so his mission is tense neutral, providing a bridge between the past tense PD3 he threw … wondered … and the explicitly third person but present tense He’s the Mission Impossible guy. When we get to his voice at PD5 in the last sentence we’re primed to know we’re seeing the thought he had at the time. If the steps are gradual, the change in voice and tense won’t jar. Does that make sense?
I think we all have a soft spot for fusty, old-fashioned, mummy-dependent Wendall, Anja. I think I’ve asked before but if, you answered, I’ve missed it. How old is he? It does make a difference if he’s 20-something or 40-something, if only because the younger he is, the greater the potential for him to transform. Also, at 20-something (my sons’ ages), he would be even more of an oddity. Though it’s always a pleasure to see him, I have to admit part of me would have loved to see a different aspect of your WIP. We can only see snippets during the six weeks and we’re working on the same snippet each week, which feels like a shame. I hope you’ll choose a different area of the story for next week’s exercise.
Anyway, your understanding of PD is better than you know, as evidenced by your conclusion that PD1 is about facts and PD5 is about feelings. That’s broadly true, though you might have a narrator who has feelings, just to complicate matters.
Picking up on this: Woke up this morning and thought … “has anyone started with PD5?” And came up with the answer of ‘no’! And I think that’s because we’re inclined to start at 1! Again, this is partially true but is not the full picture. It’s true that moving from outside to inside is an intuitive way to tell a story and many start at PD1. Think about fairy tales: Once upon a time, long long ago, there lived a … etc is pure PD1. But please do remember that there are no rules. It’s easy to think there are this week, when we’re being so formulaic, but not every novel will fit into the PD framework we’re talking about. I think I’ve said somewhere before that the more literary a novel is, the more likely it is to experiment with traditional structures. Eimear McBride’s A Girl is a Half-Formed Thing is written entirely in PD5-ish stream-of-consciousness. Lucy Ellman’s Ducks, Newburyport is 600+ pages, all written in a single sentence. On the other hand, Jon McGregor’s Reservoir 13 never goes deeper than PD3 and has an ensemble cast, with multiple POV switches in almost every paragraph. But the way you’re thinking is true for the more commercial end of the sector, which is where your novel sits.
Your current draft sits at PD1-2. Since these are the opening lines of the book, that’s probably where you will want to be. Your PD1 version strays into PD2, as you correctly analysed. Interestingly, your PD3 moves around in the mid-range of the spectrum. But there’s definitely an issue with your PD5 because you’ve simply changed the voice to first person. Instead of drawing closer to him as the character, you’ve transformed him into the narrator. I’m sure that’s not something you would consider in the WIP. This really matters so I’m going to labour the point. Alison said: you have drifted into some present tense in PD5 … You also slip into first person. Let’s not beat around the bush here – there’s no drifting or slipping about it. You have explicitly changed the voice.
I was excited to see you wrangling with the PD, Anja: Instead of: “Now why, at his age, does he still listen to his dear old mother?” I’d write: “Now why, at his age, did he still listen to his dear old mother?” I like it a little better but can’t explain why. I think it’s just more usual in books to use past tense.
Let’s pull that apart.
- Your PD5 in the exercise was: Now why, at my age, do I still listen to my dear old mother? First person and present tense, neither of which you’re using in the story. It’s also a complete and grammatically correct sentence, which is unlikely for PD5.
- Now why, at his age, does he still listen to his dear old mother? That’s PD4 but will only work if the whole narrative is present tense.
- Now why, at his age, did he still listen to his dear old mother? That’s exemplary PD4 and it’s within the style of the whole WIP, without any disconcerting switches in where the narrative is standing. No wonder you like it more! Trust your instincts.
Anyway, here’s where you should take heart. Your sliding version is the bomb! Boom! It’s incredibly rare for someone to nail this in the exercise. Like I said, you know more than you give yourself credit for. I know it’s hard this week, when we’re being so forensic, but try not to over-think. Your instincts will most likely guide you in the right direction.
Talking of forensics, here’s the detail.
PD1/2
The 4:50 pm from Leeds to Heptonstall was crowded. PD1 On the platform, a metallic voice through the loudspeaker repeated once more what passengers already knew, that the 4:25 from Leeds didn’t go because it’d been damaged in the storm earlier. PD1
A man in a wax raincoat shuffled along the corridor, his damp umbrella in front of his chest. PD1-2 He’d have to wait until the passengers before him sat down before he could find himself an available seat. PD2
You actually have a slide there into his (very shallow) POV. If the man we saw is not the main character, but is simply one of many people we see on the train, the PD1-2 sentence would be PD1. It’s only because the next sentence also focuses on him that we start to have the sense that this is the character we’re going to be following. Your PD1 narrator could do more to show us the hustle bustle of the station concourse, before zooming inside the train. Maybe they could have a wry and sardonic voice – narrators are allowed to have feelings and express opinions, even if we don’t know who they are. Maybe something like: When British Rail was privatised, the process completed by 1997, travellers were promised a more efficient means of moving around the country. Competition between networks was a Good Thing, citizens were told. In reality … etc. Or maybe something more voice-y, like: The English do love a good grumble. When it came to navigating the vagaries of the rail network, they had plenty of fodder for their discontent. Every imaginable excuse was given for delays and cancellations, from leaves on the line to a stray cow on the tracks. Temperatures too hot. Or too cold … etc. That’s a conversational voice, where this narrator is chatting directly to us. It could set the tone for a book that’s intended to entertain, rather than provoke deep and meaningful intellectual wrangling.
Perhaps your narrator could talk about relationships between mothers and sons. We’ve spoken before about the potential stereotype of the domineering mother and a put-upon adult son who’s controlled by his parent, unable to break free and live his own life, making his own mistakes. Your narrator could take ownership of that! They could literally state that’s a stereotype but one that’s based on some real relationships – and this is the story of one of them. That way, we would know the cliché is your authorial intention. At PD1, the narrator could also give us back story about Wendell, summarising his childhood, but that wouldn’t fit here, right at the beginning of the story.
Wendell is a pharmacist. Perhaps your narrator has a scientific vibe, maybe scattering in references to the chemical elements. Or maybe they’re an expert in dogs. Or birds. They might even talk about global events, given that we know he will be embarking on an adventure in which he takes on the Russians. Although it wouldn’t fit here, the narrator could, at the beginning of a different chapter, let us know what the Russians are up to in their secret facility in Turkey. That way, we would know what Wendall can’t even guess at – yet. Also, it would give us an earlier intimation of that part of the story’s identity, long before Wendall gets involved. That goes back to my concern earlier in the course that the story’s identity might change suddenly, partway through.Lots of possibilities.
PD3
The 4:50 pm from Leeds to Heptonstall was crowded. PD1 – we’re not yet in anyone’s POV so this must be the narrator’s voice. On the platform, a metallic voice through the loudspeaker repeated once more what Wendall Knightley already knew, that the 4:25 from Leeds didn’t go because it’d been damaged in the storm earlier. PD3 It was most annoying, but such was British Rail for him, filled with delays and other unpleasantries. PD4 – you’ve moved into his voice. Now how was a man to find a seat? PD4 – definitely his buttoned-up, stiff-upper-lip voice.
How fascinating that you have so much more of the spectrum than you were aiming for. See? Good instincts. It might not be right for the exercise, but it’s good news for the WIP.
PD5
On the platform, a metallic voice through the loudspeaker repeats what I already know, that the 4:25 from Leeds was damaged in the storm earlier. If the WIP were in first person, this would be PD3. Of course it is; it’s winter and British Rail can hardly deal with fallen leaves, let alone fallen trees. PD4 – but the tense should be past if the rest of the WIP is.
I should have taken the Mazda but Mother advised against it, said the traffic would be horrendous on the way home. PD4-ish for first person. Now why, at my age, do I still listen to my dear old mother? PD4-ish Stupid stupid stupid. PD5. But is there a contradiction? He’s angry with her for her interference, and even more angry at himself for listening to her. That’s great conflict but does he also think of her as *dear old* mother?
PD1-5
The 4: 50 pm from Leeds to Heptonstall was crowded. PD1 On the platform, a metallic voice through the loudspeaker repeated once more what Wendall Knightley already knew, that the 4:25 from Leeds didn’t go because it’d been damaged in the storm earlier. PD3
God forbid that British Rail would know how to pick up a fallen tree when oftentimes even fallen leaves proved too much of a challenge. PD4 He should have ignored Mother’s advice and taken the Mazda instead. PD4 Stupid stupid stupid. PD5
Ah, you clever writer. Like I said, this covers the whole spectrum and that’s really unusual. I see you’ve skipped over PD2 and you’ve mentioned that you’re still confused about that area of the spectrum. Your PD1 sentence at the beginning has no POV. That means it has to be the voice of the narrator at PD1. Your second sentence names Wendall and tells us he knew something. That places it at PD3 – halfway between narrator and character. A PD2 sentence would show Wendall from the outside, showing him on the concourse, wearing his wax raincoat and shaking his umbrella.
So she sliding version could be:
The 4: 50 pm from Leeds to Heptonstall was going to be crowded. On the platform, Wendall Knightley stood, wrapped tight in his wax raincoat, clutching a damp umbrella. A metallic voice through the loudspeaker repeated once more what Wendall and the other passengers already knew, that the 4:25 from Leeds had been cancelled because a tree had fallen on the line in the storm earlier. God forbid that British Rail would know how to pick up a fallen tree when oftentimes even fallen leaves proved too much of a challenge. He should have ignored Mother’s advice and taken the Mazda instead. Stupid stupid stupid.
It’s only just occurred to me that the mention of British Rail might be an anachronism if the story is set post-privatisation. But has that helped you to nail the PD2, Anja? Don’t worry too much. That will make your brain shut down. Just try to relax and enjoy the ride.
Just popping in here to say I LOVE your re-written PD5, Anja. It’s not quite there yet with the shifts between first and third person, and I’d say it’s PD4, not 5, but it’s nothing short of glorious.
A lovely tactile passage, Kate. You’re really good at holding small moments and making them significant. I wondered if she might bury her nose in the fabric and breathe in the unfamiliar masculine smells. Adding more sensory information would be no bad thing.
Back to the PD. I’m so pleased to see you trying out third person for size. Your current draft is first person PD3, drifting towards PD4. It’s lovely because it’s so voice-y (angel-hands!) but the PD4 is less successful, in my opinion. Deep in the darkness, something stirred … sounds like it could be linked to horror – a tagline for Alien. That didn’t mesh for me with the feelings associated with an inanimate acorn.
Having seen all the discussions since you posted, together with my first six pieces of feedback, you can probably predict what I’m going to say. Your PD1 is actually PD3, no more distant in PD than your PD3 version. Your PD5 is actually more like PD4 – but it’s fascinating to see how much more rich and evocative the writing becomes when someone is aiming for PD5, even if they don’t reach it. Because you haven’t stretched out at either end, it’s no surprise that the sliding version doesn’t either.
I think it’s worth repeating that we set you an impossible task with the exercise. Also, it’s highly unlikely that we’d encounter the full spectrum in such a short passage. This matters because we’re not only looking at the elements that constitute the different parts of the spectrum but also thinking about where and when we’re likely to see PD1 and 5. PD1 is most often found at the beginning of a scene or chapter. The narrator guides us into this new scene, doing all the things we expect from a storyteller, telling us who/what/when/where, or giving us background info, or perhaps broadening the themes by showing them from a different perspective to that of any of the characters. Once we’re in a scene, we’ll usually experience it through the senses of a character at PD2>3>4, and there will be an ebb and flow around this mid-zone, rather than a sentence-by-sentence progression deeper, as we’re doing in the exercise.
You’ve chosen a delicate scene that’s sweetly meditative. As such, it doesn’t lend itself to the shock-horror type of PD5. But PD5 can be quiet too. A simple Yes! might be enough for us to share her experience of a moment. Although we’re only looking at a snippet, I don’t think your third person loses anything. That might be because you’ve said your comfort zone is PD3, edging to PD4. You’ve said in your note that it was at PD5 that you felt the urge to switch to first person. A couple of points to be made here.
- PD5 can shift to first person, even in a third person narrative. The tense can also switch to present because the gap in time and space between character and reader has faded to nothing. But these transitions have to be handled with great care. See my feedback on Gillian’s thread.
- Your WIP might never go to PD5! Many novels don’t. If you do, it might be for a single word, as per above. Is it worth making a decision about the voice in the whole story based on PD5 which may rarely – maybe never – appear in the WIP?
To clarify: I’m really not urging you to make this change to third person. That would be overstepping my role. The decision has to be yours but I want to be sure that you’re making the right decision for the right reasons. A lot of people choose first person in the belief that it’s the only way to ensure that degree of closeness between character and reader. This week should prove that’s not the case and that’s where PD4 comes in. (Full disclosure: PD4’s my favourite part of the spectrum, both for writing and reading.) At PD4, you take the first person thought the character had at the time and convert it to third person and past tense (assuming the WIP is in past tense). I’ve known people who have sworn a novel they read was in first person but, when they go back to check, they realise it was in close third. They had felt so close to the experience of the character, and were convinced they were hearing their voice in the prose, that they assumed it must have been written in first person.
Bearing all this in mind, here’s my deconstruction of your versions.
PD1
No men lived in this house, so it was strange to see Harry’s overcoat hanging in the kitchen. PD3 – we’re in a POV, knowing *someone* finds it strange. She touched the heavy wool collar with her fingers, then slid her hands down the arms, into the pockets. PD2-3 – character-in-action. Right at the bottom of one pocket her fingers found something unexpected. PD3 – the fact of it being unexpected shows we’re in her POV. An acorn. PD4 – we’re sharing her experience, at the time.
As I said, you’re attempting to impose PD1 in the middle of a scene, which is always going to be tricky. Also, you were trying to give us what we asked for. I do hope you forgive the deception. The exercise is just the launchpad for talking about the spectrum. So, we need to think about what your narrator might focus on. You can’t do that until you work out who this entity is. In hist fic, you might have a modern narrator – a historian, maybe, putting this era into a wider context that would only be possible decades after the action. They could talk about the global impact of WW1, the way it changed the world forever, projecting forwards to WW2. Or you might have a narrator who’s contemporaneous to the action, in which case their voice will have a more archaic flavour, appropriate to the time the action is taking place. Working out who they are and where they’re standing will enable you to find their voice: what they say and how they say it. While you might choose not to have an external PD1 narrator, it’s the main thing using third person would give you that you can’t get in first person, so it’s worth thinking through the options.
Your narrator could talk about the class system in general terms, either at the time or with a historical perspective. Or they could let us know what’s going on in the wider world before drawing us into the scene, eg the rise of fascism. They could talk about Mosley and the BUF, confrontations between them and anti-fascists. I know there were two major confrontations in 1934, which is when I think this scene is set. (Chilling echoes with today’s geopolitics.) So, they could say something like: The ideology espoused by Hitler in Germany and Mussolini in Italy had its own offshoot in England with the rise of Oswald Mosley. The English upper classes had no doubt where their sympathies lay. The young Princess Elizabeth, aged about six, and her three-year-old sister Margaret, were pictured with their mother and Uncle Edward, smiling, their right arms raised in a Nazi salute.
You could use this voice to move us between scenes if, say, the previous one focused on a battle scene on the other side of the world. I’m thinking of something like: Meanwhile, thousands of miles away in rural England … (but better, obviously). Perhaps they could philosophise on acorns as tiny objects that can grow into mighty oak trees. Something like: An acorn is a hard seed in a cup, the size of a man’s thumbnail. Small and insignificant. And yet, from such humble beginnings, entire forests … etc. Note that this narrator is using present tense, even if the narrative is in past tense.
The narrator can expand on themes. For example, music runs through the story. Perhaps your narrator is a musicologist, telling the story through stanzas or talking in terms of sweet notes and flat notes. They could almost be like a conductor. There are so many possibilities for this end of the spectrum and I’ve just thrown out a few ideas. Even if you do decide to stick to first person for Annie’s thread, it might be worth thinking about this kind of narrator for when we move to a third person thread. It broadens the world of your story in a way that wouldn’t be possible if the whole narrative is in first person. It’s completely up to you to decide whether this is something you’d want to do or not.
PD3
She’d not seen a man’s clothes in the house before. PD3 She stroked the collar, picturing Harry’s thin, white shoulders beneath the heavy wool, running her fingers down the arms of the coat. PD3 She wondered if he’d left anything in the pockets. PD3 Sure enough, deep inside, she felt something hard and rough and smooth. PD3 An acorn. PD4. The PD is identical to the previous version, which is further proof that you hadn’t pulled out at PD1.
PD5
A man’s clothes in this house? PD4 Never. PD4
And yet. PD4
Soft, soft collar, heavy wool. PD4-ish Harry’s shoulders, thin and white beneath the weight of it, she could almost feel them. PD3 Her fingers slid down his arms: PD3 what’s in those pockets? PD4 Those angel hands of his were here, right here – had they left their light inside for her to find? PD4
Yes! PD5 Something stirring, deep, deep in the darkness. PD4-ish Something hard. PD4 Rough at first, then smooth. PD4 An acorn. PD4
It’s interesting because, even though this is closer than the other versions, I don’t feel like I’m sharing her feelings. The closest we get is the mention of angel hands. I don’t think the scene lends itself to PD5 but, even at the PD4 level that you have here, it feels to me like there’s an emotional distance.
PD 1-5
No man lived in this house. PD4 Harry’s coat was like a stranger in the kitchen. PD4 Annie stroked the collar, imagining his thin white shoulders beneath the heavy wool, running her fingers down his arms. PD3 What might the pockets hold? PD4 Could Harry’s angel hands have left their light inside for her to find? PD4 Yes! PD5 Deep, deep inside the pocket, something stirred… That feels portentous and, if it weren’t for the fact of the previous sentences being at PD4, I’d think you’ve pulled back to the voice of the narrator.
How interesting to see that what you intend to be a slide actually sits at the close end of the spectrum – clearly your comfort zone. If anything, there’s a reverse slide. While you might not want to use it here, I do think it will be useful for you to try to stretch out further. After all, that’s what third person brings to the table and, if you don’t use the far end of the spectrum, there’s not much to be gained from switching from first to third. I’ll have a go, choosing one of the many possibilities for a PD1 voice.
An acorn is a small and insignificant object and yet, from such humble beginnings, entire forests can grow. One such acorn provided an unlikely connection between Annie and Harry. Entering the kitchen later that day, she stopped, surprised. No men lived in this house, so it was strange to see Harry’s overcoat hanging there. Soft, soft collar, heavy wool. Harry’s shoulders, thin and white beneath the weight of it. And the smell. Manly. Otherly. Ah, what strange sensations.
I have to admit the PD1 that has got me tingling the most is the one that gives us historical context but I couldn’t work out a way to move from there into a scene with so few sentences to play with, let alone end up at PD5. Even so, my version is clunky because the slide is so steep and moves in one direction. As I said, we’re not trying to produce gorgeous writing this week. It’s all about pinning down them there levels. Has this helped? Any more thoughts about whether first or third person is the way to go?
Hi Gillian. Good to meet Ruth. Your original is closer than you think. I’d put it at PD3 > 4. Some lovely lyrical writing, but I’m going to concentrate on PD.
In common with most people who do this exercise (there are people in this group who are notable exceptions) you haven’t ever really stretched out at either end of the spectrum. That’s because you interpreted the exercise literally and you’ll know by now that we set you an impossible task. I was delighted to see you trying out past tense for size and was interested to hear you say: I didn’t find it hard to use the past tense. Easier than present tense …
You haven’t yet got a firm hold on the tenses though and we can see that in your PD5. You said you found that in PD 5 the present did creep in. Let’s talk about that for a bit. At PD5, we’re beneath the character’s skin, in a frozen moment. At such times, it can feel intuitive to change third person to first (or second when the character is addressing themselves) and for past tense to segue into present. Here’s the thing though. These transitions need to be handled with a lot of care. If they’re not, it’s jarring. The voice changes to one that would be appropriate for a first person and/or present tense narrative, rather than a smooth slide deeper into a character’s head and voice. The way to handle that smooth slide is, of course, *drum roll* psychic distance. There’s usually a bridge of some kind which is neutral – neither first nor third person, with a tense that’s equally blurred. This should hopefully become clear when you see my feedback.
I’m going to dive straight into it.
PD 1
The canal path had been transformed into an environmentally-friendly place for Londoners to stroll and rediscover waterside life PD1 and that’s where Ruth took everyone for a walk after lunch one Sunday. PD2 – you’re moving into character-in-action in an unfolding scene. The young ones raced on ahead leaving Ruth and Dani behind, talking about their past. PD2As you can see, as a result of trying to show the whole scene at this level, you haven’t stretched out to PD1, apart from at the beginning of the first sentence. Let’s think about what your PD1 narrator might talk about (if you have one). They could talk about the socio-economics of canals moving from places of work, transporting goods across the region via a network of waterways, to becoming a place for city-dwellers to get in touch with nature. Perhaps your narrator is an architect (this doesn’t need to be explicit). They could talk about changing landscapes, new-build opportunities, environmental impacts. This narrator would be the link between the POVs and could link the threads together.
Or your narrator could talk about relationships in a general way. How they can go sour, familiarity breeding contempt etc. Or people can just drift apart. Or the nature of memory. Basically, your narrator can talk about anything that’s detached from a character’s POV. Having said that, they can show us some back story. That would still be detached but in time, rather than character, talking about something that’s further in the past than the main timeline. They could *tell* us about where she was born etc. Don’t forget that your PD1 is allowed to be tell-y!
If you do decide to have an external narrator as a link between the POVs, have a think about who they are. That should help you to work out what they would talk about. And just make sure they have a voice for us to hear, whatever they choose to say. Tense comes in here too. If you do want to mix tenses, your narrator could be standing in the *now*, telling us things that are still true when they’re narrating. They might say something like: London is a vibrant city, packed with … etc, reserving past tense for the story itself.
PD 3
Ruth and Dani walked along the canal path lined with willows, boots squelching in the mud that reminded her of the watery landscapes where she grew up. PD3 His quiet way of listening had helped her to unearth the endless list of losses that belonged, unvisited, to her past: mother, father, childhood home – all gone now. PD3 Something fell into the water and automatically she looked for a water vole, nose headed towards the bank. PD3 None there. PD4 – you’ve edged closer to her thought at the time.PD5
Ruth was flooded with watery images from her childhood. PD3 – this is the narrator telling us what’s going on in Ruth’s head. Plop! A water vole? PD4 Haven’t they all vanished? PD4 but an abrupt change in tense. The lump in her throat was so big she couldn’t speak. PD3 She slumped onto a bench. PD3-ish OK. PD4-5 Deep breath. PD5 It feels like looking into a deep well of absences but it’s about time I did. You’ve simply slipped into making her the first person present tense narrator and this would be her PD3 Mother. PD5 Dead from pneumonia after the flood. PD4 Dad faded away. PD4 Selling my home. PD4 but first person. All gone. PD5 A tear drops onto her hand. PD2-3 But it’s a relief to hear myself say it. Again, she’s become the narrator and this is her PD3.
You’ve got to do what you can to preserve these watery worlds. PD4-ishPD1 to 5
Walking along the canal path with Dani Ruth described the watery landscape of her childhood to Dani as if unearthing an endless list of losses. PD3-ish Hearing herself tell the story she realized all over again how much she had lost in a short time. PD3 The lump in her throat made it hard to breathe. PD3 She had to sit. Edging to PD4 Both parents dead. PD4-5 Home sold. PD4-5 No more water voles. PD4-5 All gone. PD4-5 Making the inventory brings some a relief. PD3. That sounds like the narrator’s voice to me – and I think it’s your voice, pushing its way in, *telling* us what Ruth’s feeling. That’s what makes me so determined to preserve these watery worlds. A switch to her as narrator at PD3.One of the key things to note here is that you’re unlikely to have complete and grammatically correct sentences at PD5. It will often be expletives, swearing, visceral howls of despair. You don’t want to throw them in all over the place or they’ll lose their power. I’m going to have a go at showing the full spectrum.
A canal network provides a city with lungs. Londoners come to relax here and get back in touch with nature, and this was where Ruth took everyone for a walk after lunch one Sunday. The young ones raced on ahead, leaving Ruth and Dani behind, talking about their past. The canal path lined with willows, boots squelching in the mud, it all reminded Ruth of the watery landscapes where she grew up. An endless list of losses overwhelmed her: mother, father, childhood home – all gone now. So sad, so desperately sad, but now was the time to move on. To embrace the present, face the future. She could do it. Had to! Yes!
You wouldn’t have such a steep and abrupt slide across the whole spectrum, but can you see both ends? In the WIP, you might have a paragraph of PD1. You would probably follow it with some PD2 and 3, to root us in the scene and in Ruth’s POV. The bulk of the scene would then be in PD4, when the interesting stuff is inside her head, but you would also probably pull back to PD3 and 2 at times, so we don’t lose touch of the scene she’s actively walking through. You probably won’t go to PD5 here at all. What you don’t want are abrupt transitions in the tense, or explicitly switching to a first person voice when the narrative is in third.
Has that helped, Gillian? Hope you’re as excited as I am by the PD magic.
Great stuff, Lucia. I guessed from your feedback on other threads that you were already playing with your new PD tool, working out ways it can lift your writing by making characters leap off the page as a result of a) exploring their inner landscapes and b) showing them from both outside and inside.
Picking up on this: I had no idea that I was not getting inside my character’s head. I thought I was when I said, ‘she felt’ or ‘she worried,’ or showed her twitching or shaking or other such things. Things like she felt and she worried are examples of filtering. The narrator is *telling* us how the character felt. That puts the PD at PD3 – halfway between narrator and character. As such, we don’t get the full impact of either voice. Twitching, shaking etc are physical manifestations of how the character feels, visible from outside. Neither of those delve beneath a character’s skin, enabling us to see what they might be hiding from the world, making us complicit with them – whether we like it or not! You can force readers to share the internal workings of an evil psychopath. It will be a deeply uncomfortable place to be, but that’s the whole point, right? That’s what good fiction does – it makes us share the experiences of people who are very different from us. And, of course, the deeper into their POV we go, the more their voice bleeds into the prose. That’s why this week is a natural progression from last week.
I’m so impressed by the extent to which so many of you have grasped PD, so early in the week. That’s even more remarkable, given that we set you an impossible task. (See my confession on Gill’s thread if you haven’t already done so.) This, from Kate, is worthy of a highlight: It feels less like scene setting than mood setting – which is an interesting use of PD1 … the emotional clarity and the relationship between voice and world that comes with zooming out and in! Brilliant summary. If you have any birthday cake left over, reward yourself with an extra slice, Kate.
Lucia – sorry (not sorry) about you waking in the night and thinking about Henry Warburton. The disrupted sleep is a bummer but it shows the extent to which your synapses are firing now that you have this exciting new tool in your kit. You said: But as the sentence about the large man was classified as PD 1, I decided to present Anna as just a woman, who could be anybody and this would qualify. I can see why you might think that but simply making a character anonymous is not enough, on its own, to render a sentence at PD1. In this respect, you fell into the trap of attempting to give us what we asked for, ie the whole scene at each level. It’s also why I posted my Expanding Gardner thread as I contend we can move further back than Gardner’s example. My first three sentences there were: It was the winter of the year 1853. Temperatures had remained below zero for many weeks and, for the first time in living memory, the Thames had frozen over. Few ventured forth unless their business was urgent. No mention of a character at all there. It’s what Kate so astutely described as less like scene setting than mood setting.
Your PD3 is solid. This is definitely your comfort zone and you write well there. I’ve a feeling this is close to what appears in the current draft. Is that true? There’s some movement there, into PD2 and 4, but only briefly. This is exactly the kind of Good Writing that can make an agent pause, feeling that the author is competent, but ultimately they reject the submission because the voice is rather flat. In your PD5, you’ve gone deeper and already she’s coming to us more fully formed. It’s not PD5, but her feelings are of frustration, rather than anything more visceral, and they don’t lend themselves to PD5. Too much PD5 can feel melodramatic and, unless the character is histrionic and over-emotional by nature, you wouldn’t use it in this scenario.
While your final paragraph is not the one-way slide we asked for in the exercise, it’s a delight to see how your writing has sprung to life there. It’s as if you’ve given yourself permission to let rip, casting off self-imposed shackles. I love it! Free the writer within! I saw you saying in another reply that you’ve seen my PD webinars. I do hope they’re good for imparting the theory but there’s no denying the course is the best way to bed down the lessons by seeing PD applied to 12 very different WIPs.
Detail now.
PD 1
It was a cold and windy evening. PD1 A red Golf pulled into the carport of a refurbished 1950s bungalow. PD2-ish because we’re seeing action. A few minutes later a woman emerged and hurried towards the front door of the house, head bent, hair blowing about her face. PD2 because we’re now seeing a character, albeit anoymous. Light from two low-set windows beamed onto the gravel and beyond to shuddering laurels that bordered a sloping lawn. PD1 At the second square of light, the woman paused, retraced a few steps and peered through the window. PD2-3
You’ve stripped out any POV voice but you haven’t replaced it with a voice that makes us feel we’re hearing the voice of a storyteller of some kind. Although you haven’t named Anna, we’re still focusing on her as the character-in-action in an unfolding scene. The parts that hit PD1 are those where we see the scene and sense an atmosphere, setting the tone for the story. And, yes, I know you only included the other sentences in order to give us what we asked for. I do hope you forgive the deception.
You could give us more of that evocative scene/tone setting at PD1, but there are other ways you could use this end of the spectrum. Your story raises fascinating moral and ethical dilemmas and it occurs to me that your narrator could give us a broader context for the controversy around euthanasia. It’s a big news item right now and will continue to be so, whether the law is changed or not. If you want to pin the story down in time, you could talk about changes in legislation. Your PD1 narrator can be quite factual. They could talk about cases where someone has been taken to court for facilitating the death of a loved one. They could bring a perspective of a medical professional who has a different attitude to Anna. None of this needs to be explicit about who they are but, deciding that for yourself, should help you to pin down their voice (what they say and how they say it).
To qualify as PD1, all you need to do is to remove it from an unfolding scene. It can still focus on a named character if, for example, it’s talking about their past. So, you could have something like: When Anna was a child, she loved dressing up. She’d had a white pinny with a red cross on it but was adamant that she wanted to be a doctor when she grew up, not a nurse. Aim high, her mum always told her, and that’s what she’d done. Can you start to see the possibilities for this end of the spectrum?
PD 3
Anna felt the tiredness in her bones. PD3 She wished she could turn herself off, as she had the engine of her car, lie back and drift into oblivion cocooned in the soft leather of the seat. PD3 She should have gone straight home after work. PD4 – we’ve zoomed closer to her voice and interiority. She should not have gone to Hennessy’s. PD4 But it was too late for that now. PD4 As she hurried from the car to the front door, the wind stung her cheeks and tugged her hair free from its clasp so that it blew wildly about her face. PD2-3 She pushed it back and peered through the lighted window of the living room where, to her dismay, she saw the girls sprawled on the couch watching television. PD3 She would bet any money that they had not yet done their homework. PD3-ish
PD 5
If only she could stay here in the warmth of the car. lie back and drift into oblivion. PD4 If only this weary mass could give birth to another Anna. PD4 One who would be the person she could never be: kind, tolerant, forgiving, full of love. PD4 Or just bloody normal. PD4-5 Not a worthless, shameful excuse of a wife that told stupid lies that only hurt herself in the end. PD4 – but a really strong version of it. It’s still third person *herself*, though it could be argued that this is her self-criticism. Jesus! PD5 How could she live with herself? PD4 – that’s definitely third person.
Better go in. PD4 There were things to do. PD4 The living room lights were on, and the blinds were not drawn down. PD2 For feck’s sake! PD5 – note that you’ve leapfrogged across the levels. This was more of it. PD4 The girls watching television, sprawled on the couch in the living room. PD2 How many times had she said no television until after eight o’clock? PD4 Why did he never listen? PD4
Although that’s not committing to PD5, I love the way you’ve forced yourself to uncover her emotions. Her self-hatred is palpable here. Did it take you by surprise? She externalises it but we know her anger is not really with Steve and the girls. This goes back to week 2, when we talked about characters’ wants and needs. Anna wants Steve to impose her parenting standards. She needs to be kinder to herself.
Combined piece
Anna pulled her red Golf into the carport of her refurbished 1950s home and switched off the engine. PD2 She laid her head on the headrest, wishing she could stay there and not have to move another weary bone or muscle ever again. PD3 She should have come straight home instead of visiting Margaret Hennessy. PD4 I presume you are on your way home, Steve had said. PD4 She could have screamed. PD4 Yes, Steve. Of course, Steve. Whatever you presume, Steve. PD5 She heaved herself out of the car and hurried through the stinging wind to the front door then stopped suddenly and retraced her steps. PD2 Jesus! PD5 This was more of it. PD4 She peered through the living room window. PD3 The girls sprawled on the couch watching television. PD2 They couldn’t have done their homework already. PD4 Was this one more thing that she was expected to do? PD4
There are some real gems in there but I do think it would be useful – on this occasion only! – to forget about writerly gems and focus on the PD which, as you can see, wobbles quite a bit. It’s a different kind of discipline and one which, at first glance, might run counter to a creative process. Here’s my version of a one-way slide.
The idea of physician-assisted suicide for terminally ill patients is a moral dilemma that most doctors encounter at some point in their career. On that cold and windy October evening, it was one which Anna had yet to face as she pulled her red Golf into the carport of her refurbished 1950s home and switched off the engine. She laid her head back, wishing she could stay here in the warmth of the car, lie back and drift into oblivion. Give birth to another Anna. One who would be the person she could never be: kind, tolerant, forgiving, full of love. Or just bloody normal. Jesus.
Obviously, that wouldn’t appear in the WIP. But can you see the full spectrum there? Note that I’ve used present tense for the PD1 narrator. The tenses can blur at the extreme ends of the spectrum. This version has a kind of omniscience – they know what’s in store for Anna before she gets there. This sort of projecting forwards can be effective. We know things the character doesn’t and will be shouting out for them to take care, or run away, or whatever. You might choose not to do it on the grounds that it prevents us from fully sharing the character’s experience. It’s up to you but all these things need to be decisions.
I truly do believe you’ve got this, Lucia. Keep practising with your shiny new tool. And don’t forget to enjoy!
Ah, great. I’ve been looking forward to working on a first person narrative because PD most definitely still applies to first person but can be a little harder to wrap your head around. I was amazed at how strong a grasp people have of PD in third person, as evidenced by the awesome standard of feedback on the first three threads I’ve worked on this week. (Gill, Paula, Katie.) You’ve all yet to grasp how it works in first person though. Thanks for giving us the opportunity to delve into it, Chithrupa.
Paula said: My understanding is that PD1 is only when it’s remote, not through anyone’s eyes, except an unnamed (omniscient?) narrator. That’s true for third person but obviously can’t be for first. In first person, PD is a matter of distinguishing between those two roles for the voice, which is what I’ve spoken about numerous times, in various places. In your case, Chithrupa, that comes down to differentiating between Narrator Xander’s voice and Character Xander’s. Here’s the thing though: Xander still needs to sound like Xander, whichever mode he’s in.
You said in one response: in PD1 … agree the emotion need to go. No, no! Why would it? Why would he stop having emotions, just because he’s in narrator mode?
I also need to pick up on this because it absolutely terrified me. You said: When Emma and Debi said vast majority of a book should be in PD3 … WHAT? WHERE? WHERE DID WE SAY THAT? I know for a fact that we have never, and would never, say any such thing. In fact, the reverse is true. The whole point about PD is that good writing will move around in mid-area of the spectrum. Some novels have no PD1. Some have no PD5. We have certainly said that most of your book will sit in PD2<>3<>4 and you may have misinterpreted that as us saying PD3. In fact, I would argue that PD3 can be the least interesting part of the spectrum. We don’t get the full flavour of either the narrator’s voice, nor the characters, because it’s a blend of them both. (That’s easier to understand in third person, where the narrator and the character are different entities.)
Kate said: I think Debi mentioned somewhere that most writers spend a lot of time in PD3. I really need to make sure this is crystal clear. I certainly said on a thread that I’ve worked on many decent drafts that don’t fly from the page and I could see the reason is because they squatted at PD3 and didn’t budge. To emphasise: this is a BAD thing. When those authors varied the PD, they often found that was the key to success and they landed an agent with a story that had previously been rejected, often on the grounds that an agent ‘just didn’t love it enough’. Agenting is a very different skill from editing, and the agents probably didn’t know that the reason they didn’t love the story was because the narrative sat at PD3 throughout.
One more thing before I start dissecting your versions, Katie said: I’m not sure ‘the most PD5-y PD5’ even makes sense because it’s either/or. Actually, I don’t think it’s that binary. Like most things in life, there’s room for subtlety and nuance. Although PD5 is an extreme end of the spectrum, there’s still some flexibility. The same is true for the opposite end of the spectrum at PD1. Some people include things like extracts from articles or written materials, which are more like PDzero. PD should be liberating, so watch out for being too proscriptive, which can happen this week when we’re being so analytical and not trying to produce lovely writing.
Right, Chithrupa, the thing about the passage you’ve posted is that it’s all commentary and no action. As such, it’s going to sit at PD1 and that’s true for the current draft, though I thought … is moving to PD3. Your PD3 version is actually also PD1. You’ve changed some of the vocabulary – the toucan becomes the squint-eyed toucan with a stubborn streak but the PD is the same. The same is true for your PD4-5 version. It nudges closer to PD3 – I’d always wanted … I’d bet … but even that’s arguably closer to PD1 because it’s talking about the past and is detached from the main timeline. If you had chosen an action scene, other areas of the spectrum would apply because we’d be seeing him as the character-on-action, rather than as the narrator. Is this making sense? You can’t apply a different area of PD to a passage in which he’s firmly narrating.
PD1:
The Aviary was big enough to fit a thousand tropical birds. PD1 The roof was made of glass and perches were carved. PD1 But none of the other birds apart from Rico lasted more than a few days. PD1 A Toucan once came close and lasted a whole afternoon. PD1 In the end, she was cowering behind the carved perch post, clinging on for dear life. PD1This is PD1 in terms of ‘what he says’ but it’s not Xander’s voice, so the ‘how he says it’ isn’t authentic for him as the character narrator. At PD1, he could also do something like meditate on the meaning of death – he has unique insights! He can tell us things from this perspective that he wouldn’t have known as a character, at the times things were happening to him. Does that make sense? Just make sure the idiosyncratic features of his voice are always there.
PD3:
Mum had grand plans for the aviary, glass roof and room enough for a thousand tropical birds. PD1 Rico, however, had plans of his own. PD1 None of the other birds lasted more than a day, the glass roof. PD1 The squint-eyed toucan with a stubborn streak came close and lasted a whole afternoon. PD1 We found her cowering – hiding behind the carved perch post clinging on for dear life. PD2-3.This sounds a bit more Xander-ish, though you’re still constraining his voice, muffling it. It edges to PD2-3 with We found … I wouldn’t say it’s fully PD3, as it would be if it were I found … but it’s showing some action, which is why I’ve put it at closer than PD1.
PD 4-5:
I’d always wanted to catch the architect and subject him to medieval punishment. PD1-ish because he’s still thinking this when narrating. Sadly, it was illegal, last I checked criminal even. PD1-ish Glass roof and British sun, I’d bet he was laughing when he sold it to Mum. PD3 if that’s what he thought *at the time*, as suggested by the tense *I’d bet*. Grand plans, she had, Mum. PD3 but for his mother. Green birds, Scarlet, yellow and blue. His mother’s PD4. Fill it up with a thousand birds, every shade of the rainbow, she’d gone. PD3 for the mother. Threw in the toucan, why not? PD4 for the mother. A mistake, too proud for her own good, how did Mum not see it? Back to Xander narrating – I’d put it at PD1. An afternoon with Rico, the Toucan was sorted. PD1-ish. Found her cowering, clinging, begging for dear life. PD3.Because we’re not seeing Xander acting in a scene, he’s still in his role as the narrator here. As such, he’s used PD to explore his mother’s actions, impersonating her voice. We haven’t got closer to him as the character because he’s not there in a scene in that persona.
PD1-5:
Glass roof and carved perches, Mum had grand plans for the aviary. PD1 I could still hear her now. PD3 Fill it up with a thousand birds. Green birds, scarlet, yellow and blue. One for every shade of rainbow and more. PD4 but him impersonating his mother’s voice. God, how I hate her singsong voice, the ring of it piercing, drilling deep into my bones. PD3? Ugh. PD5 That and her grant gestures . PD4 She didn’t know when to stop, but throwing in a Toucan with Rico? PD4 It was a mistake, the Toucan with her squint eye and stubborn streak. PD4 How could Mum not see it? PD4 Found her cowering, clinging, begging for dear life. PD3-4 An afternoon with Rico, and, she was done. PD2-ishThere’s a important point to be made here about where he’s standing when narrating. I could still hear her now … is in past tense, even though this is clearly him as the narrator, thinking back. God, how I hate her singsong voice … is in present tense. So, he still hates her voice at the time he’s narrating? You’re going to need to take care to be consistent with this.
It’s going to be impossible for me to show the whole spectrum without adding in some action, so I hope you’ll forgive me for making such big changes – purely for demostrating how PD works in first person.
To this day, I could roast the damn architect who created that aviary. None of our feathered friends lasted more than a few days but, to be fair, they didn’t have a chance with Rico there, lord of the perches, merciless slaughterer of interlopers. A squint-eyed toucan with a stubborn streak came close. I walked in the afternoon of the day we introduced the poor blighter and saw him, clinging onto the perch for dear life while Rico terrorised him, launching one attack after another. Whoosh – a claw ripping through bright plumage. Squawk – the death cry of a tropical bird. Rico the destroyer, my feathered counterpart. Get in there, my son.
I’ve removed the mother to make it easier to show the PD as Xander moves from narrator to character-in-action. The last sentence is tense neutral and is intended to be his thought at the time. I hope this has helped you to see how PD can apply to first person, even though I won’t have nailed Xander’s voice. Have a good weekend of celebrations.
Hi Katie. This whole thread is nothing short of glorious. I can see you, especially in conversation with Gill, working out the different elements of the spectrum and thinking about what it brings to your WIP. You’re both waaaaay ahead in your thinking and are already at a point I wouldn’t expect people to be at until much later in the week. There are so many insights in the discussions I could pick out and quote here, but this one sums up the whole concept of PD: I suppose we’ll only have the narrator’s ‘colour’ as it were in PD1, and PD2 is where the characters begin to come into view. And further down the PD scale, the colour we’re getting is from the characters… I think you’re onto something Gill!
A couple of other things to pick out. Lucia said: I’m sure that this is PD1 but there is such a strong narrator voice that I doubted myself. But it’s vital for a narrator to have a voice! In fact, everything in the entire WIP needs to have a voice – it’s a matter of deciding whether it’s the narrator’s voice we’re hearing (PD1-2) or the character’s POV voice (PD4 mostly, with an occasional splash of PD5). Katie said: PD1 is sooooooo dull but it does have it’s place. ARGH! (That’s me in PD5 mode, in case you were wondering.) Nothing – NOTHING – in your WIP should be dull. If your PD1 is dull, it means it’s lacking in a voice.
Do remember that not every novel has an external narrator. There are many that are written entirely in a close POV at PD4. We’re being very formulaic this week to teach you the basics but the wonderful thing about PD is its flexibility. On the course alone, I’ve worked on 621 WIPs, including this group’s, and I learn something new with each story I work on because every WIP is different. It’s what keeps me fresh and sharp. (That and buckets of coffee.) Some stories that do include PD1 are explicit about who the narrator is, eg Death in Markus Zusak’s magnificent The Book Thief. Whether the external narrator’s identity is explicit or not, readers need to feel like they’re in touch with a real person, and that means your narrator should have a voice, express opinions etc. They might have a formal voice, or they might be more conversational. This will depend on what would work best for your WIP.
Katie – before I get down to business, I want to point out a grammar error. In theory, this wouldn’t come up until next week but, in case it doesn’t, I’ll jump on it here. The word fewer is used for things that can be counted. So, in your note: I couldn’t find a way to make the passage make sense with less words it should be fewer.
We don’t ask people to post their WIP passage in the current draft but I’m glad you have because there’s something very interesting to pick up on, which might not have cropped up in the exercises. It’s this sentence: Isn’t it strange how full of noise the world is at night? The previous sentence was in past tense, and focused on Mary as the character-in-action at PD2-3. But this sentence is in present tense. For that reason, I would say it’s the narrator’s voice at PD1. They’re standing next to us, addressing us *now*. Remember I keep banging on about where the narrative is standing? That’s what’s happening here. In this case, the PD1 is in present tense, and this narrator is telling us the story in past tense. You would need to keep that in mind in order to be consistent.
Before I even got here, you have been working through your understanding of PD. You’ve correctly come to the conclusion that a little PD5 goes a long way and it should be reserved for when you need it the most: an emotional gut punch, those emotions including things like fear, anger, grief, elation. You’ve also worked out that PD5 is often a single word expletive, or an incoherent grunt or gasp. For those emotions, it would be something like Argh! (fear) Grrr. (anger) Noooo! (grief) Yay! (joy) But here’s the thing and another reason for not using this too much. There’s not actually much voice in a visceral howl of despair or expression of horror. One person’s Argh! is the same as another’s, though it’s true that one character might say Fuckity fuck fuck and another might say Golly gosh, but it’s at PD4 that we get the most idiosyncrasies that distinguish one character from another. In your exercise, you’re using PD5 to describe dull monotony. That’s unusual but I can see how it could work as a reflection of the mind-numbing routine and the hypnotic humming of machines.
Now for the detail.
[PD1]
The supermarket had opened seven years ago and, outside of national holidays, had not shut its doors since. PD1 During the night, less (fewer) staff were needed. PD1 Without customers, there would be no interruptions, no requests to ‘check the back’ for items missing from the shelves. PD1 Nothing but the parade of fridges and fluorescent lights to bear witness to the labour inside. PD1PD largely depends on context. Seeing this passage in isolation means I’m assuming it’s at the beginning of a chapter – which is the place we most often encounter PD1. I’m attributing it to the voice of an external narrator and Lucia is right – it’s voice-y, as it should be. But if this passage appeared in the middle of a scene, eg Mary walking into work, we might interpret the voice as hers. The brain intuits a slide, so it very much depends on what, if anything, precedes these sentences.
There are other ways you could use PD1. The passage you’ve chosen is talking about the mind-numbing routine that characterised her job over a period of time. We’re not embarking on a single scene, which we’ll see unfolding. If we were, you could build up to the scene on a particular day. An empty can rolling across the car park. A chilly wind rattling the shutters. A cat searching for scraps.
It occurs to me your PD1 narrator could talk about cults. They could philosophise about the sort of person who’s drawn to cults, the psychology etc. They could give facts and figures about the numbers of active cults and people involved. They could make comparisons between death cults, like Charles Manson’s so-called Family, and those that are more insidious and less obviously maligant. Remember, it’s fine for this narrator to express opinions. If their opinions are in contrast to Mary’s, that could be a very pleasing friction.
[PD3]
Mary sank back in the routine of work, shuffling between the aisles and dropping baskets into each other like Russian dolls. PD2-3 She had gotten (that’s a US voice – is that intentional?) used to the nightshift by now. PD2-3 Took comfort in the swollen silence. PD3-4 How the fluorescent lights and the parade of fridges all came together in dull harmony. PD4-ishInterestingly, you have a mini slide there. This kind of movement around the mid-spectrum comfort zone makes the voice more vibrant than if you had committed fully to PD3.
[PD5]
Back again. PD5 Turn the label face up. PD5 Another. PD5 Sounds like shh, shh. Hmmm – more like PD3 Drop the basket in just the right spot. PD3-ish Flllllnk, Fllllllnk. PD5 Neat. PD5 Like Russian dolls. PD4-5 Night shift’s quiet. (You’ve explicitly moved to present tense. While that can happen at PD5, it’s not actually a definining feature of it. I spoke earlier about your narrator using present tense in your draft. If that’s consistent, we’ll interpret this sentence as the narrator’s voice at PD1.) But full of sound. PD3-ish Swollen with not-sounds. PD4-ish Fluorescent lights and fridges, all humming. PD2 or even PD1 Hmhmm, Mhmhm. (As I said, PD depends on context. Because we’ve been more distant, the humming sound might be the narrator’s voice.)The thing that’s made your life harder this week is your choice of extract but there’s still so much to learn. We’re not seeing a discrete unit of action, getting closer and closer to a character acting and reacting to something that’s happening in an unfolding scene. Instead, this is a general overview of a time in Mary’s life. We don’t necessarily have to live through it with her, so it’s fine for your (voice-y!) narrator to tell us about the mind-numbing routine, skimping on the details.
PD1-5
Without customers, the night shift was free of interruptions. PD2-ish, depending on the preceding sentences. Mary did not miss the customers, their bodies pressing into her personal space. PD3 There would be no more stranger clawing at the shelves behind her, dirty fingernails missing her by an inch, or once or twice, snagging her hair on their way past. PD4 But the memories wouldn’t fade, would they? PD4 One in particular clung on, of a man’s damp hand wrapped around her own, aiming for the bottle of ketchup inside. PD3-4 He’d stared, like she was the problem, like she was in his way. PD4 Stupid girl. That’s the man’s PD5! Dropping the bottle, making a mess. PD3-4 People stared, like she was crazy, like he didn’t provoke her. PD4 What should she have done? PD4 Handed him a new bottle? PD4 Not flinch when his hand grazed hers? PD4 Smiled, of course. PD4 Cleaned it up, like a good girl. PD4-5 Keep smiling. PD5 Laugh. PD5 Bow. PD5Looks like your comfort zone is at the close end of the PD spectrum, Katie. We get Mary’s discomfort, her need to preserve her personal space. She has a vivid inner life. There’s seething resentment lying beneath her compliant exterior. That’s a fabulous set-up for a character with her degree of unreliability. It may well be that you choose not to have an external narrator but, just in case you want to consider having one, I’ll try to come up with a version that’s more balanced across the spectrum and which includes the most distant end.
Some people are naturally suited to working night shifts. Mary was one such person. It suited her that there would be no interruptions, no requests to ‘check the back’ for items missing from the shelves. No more strangers clawing at the shelves behind her, dirty fingernails missing her by an inch, snagging her hair on their way past. Yuck.
Of course, you wouldn’t have such a steep one-way slide in the WIP. But has that helped you to get a feel for the whole spectrum? I hope so, given that you had already sussed so much of this out for yourself. It’s the possibilities for PD1 that you might not (yet) have wrapped your head around. I’m excited to see if you reckon there’s a place for that in the WIP.
