Gill Lee
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Definitely with others in loving the swing thing as a metaphor which I’m sure young readers will relate to.
I really like the simple up front nature of the way these kids – like lots of kids – talk. They do sometimes lie. But oh for the honesty of ‘let the lone warrior thing go, it sounds so lame.’
Most other comments have been made.
I’m rooting for these kids!
Thank you so much for this, Debi. Again, such detailed, helpful feedback and so encouraging! Haha yes I am a ‘mature’ writer! And you’re making me more confident!
Yeah, I see how you can combine them and with a few minor tweaks (Laura wouldn’t say fucking aloud – except maybe right at the end in the confrontation with her father!) you’re bang on.
Very helpful!
Oooh, lots to think on there. Thanks so much, Kate!
Hi Gillian,
I want the reader to understand why Laura may not have chased up on the van the previous nights and to feel that as a realistic choice. In earlier versions I had her immediately assume the van was Mikes’ and people said it was too much too soon! I think they were right . She glimpses the van, believes Mike’s in Bristol and besides, in the park just an hour earlier she let catastrophism rule her (trying to save a baby not in danger).
She is also someone unwilling to face difficult truths, who catastrophises first in her head, but then tries to repress this tendency, which she is aware of. To the point where she sometimes avoids obvious truths others are aware of. And she certainly avoids voicing them. Kat understands all this, and the origin of it in Laura’s relationship with her father.
That’s what I’m trying to show, at least….Does it make psychological sense?
Thanks for making me clarify that – in my head, at least!
Thankyou. Yes her to Laura!
Hi paula,
Wow another action packed scene! I love the way you show Jacqueline’s changing attitude to Graye – her instinctive love for him, then her realisation at what he’s responsible for ( Grandad’s death!) and then her determination to press on and save the planet first! Kick that ass, girl!
I know you’ve said you’re holding back on the age of your target audience, but that swearing is very Y.A. restrained, no? Or maybe I’m just very sweary….
Even without knowing, it felt like you were reaching the denoument. Maybe the drama of the short sentences, the thunder?
Really enjoyed it. Very crisp and clear. Very exciting!
Hi Paula,
Can you give us a bit of context? Towards the end, yes?
I think as long as you make it a post and not a reply it automatically goes to the top….? I think that’s why we’ve had a reminder to post to others as a reply rather than a post. Does that make sense?
Couldn’t help but add in here. You’re comment ‘It’s interesting to think how I can get something Mary missed into her POV.’. Oh gosh. The months that has cost me! So hoping Debi and Emma will include some tips next week (shouting out to you shamelessly teachers!). I’ve had endless bouts with memories which struggle to come to the surface, voices which are tuned back into, someone saying something my character just missed. Will add someone looking at my PoV character expectantly onto the list….Happens in close third as well as first…
BTW you definitely made me feel icky about the crackers even in Mary’s first.
In awe, Katie! You use the setting brilliantly to echo and develop the feelings of the two characters, the sense of foreboding, the dust and aging. I loved it.
I’m finding this task really interesting – the similarities and differences in the versions. So something that struck me was the deadness of the hotel in the first extract, and then in your third person, to start with, I thought it was first person from the point of view of the hotel (!) before realising – because you’ve make it a living, breathing entity in its own right. In the first extract you do this with the the road she has travelled on which ‘played tricks.’ Love it! Such a great way to use settings and create a spooky atmosphere.
In the Mary one, I loved the way you used very few words to draw a vivid impression of Serene and that horrible meal. Loved the developed description of it in Serene’s narrative, but I guess Mary isn’t noticing it so much…
There were a couple of things which confused me – just very minor, but knowing may be useful to you
‘Do you know who that is?’ she asked, not for the first time’ Has she asked this precise question before? Or shown her a series of photos of which this is one?
The other was just a stumble as I read, which you clarified in the following sentence, but it did slow me down. ‘no one asked for proof.’ Just a minor tweak if other people also stumbled, maybe just me.
I really enjoyed it and want more!
Oh, Lucia, you are so adept at summoning up a scene out of physical observations and letting us feel Anna’s empathy! I wonder if this is just good writing, or whether it’s also your doctor’s eye – looking closely at the patient, assessing them from details of skin texture, breathing, colouration.
I found it really interesting how close the third and first person Anna’s pieces were – very few words difference. Is that because the focus of the scene is mainly on Margaret, as in your last piece? I’m still tangling with that. Because part of character in action must surely be what you’ve done here – shown us what a character notices about another, what they notice in a room or a street. Not just what they do about it. And you do it so well!
One slightly judgmental / opiniony/ explicitly emotional thought in each of those two pieces is where she thinks about the daughter and whether it’s been a while since she creamed Margaret’s hands – a lovely detail – but does it cover other judgments about the family she doesn’t feel she can quite make / allow herself to make? Is that coming through, too, with Anna’s first person reference to ‘What did he expect me to say?’. Was I meant to read it as slightly defensive on her part, slightly angry, or simply neutral as it actually comes across more strongly to me in Robert’s narrative….Don’t know if my ramble makes any sense. Anyway, I loved it – lots of texture and questions which make me intrigued by Anna’s character and what she’ll do next.
You’ve really brought the scene to life – full of excitement, drama and your encounter with your first fatality. Your first person and third person lead with lots of short sentences which made me feel your urgency (and maybe repressed panic?) and your emotion at what you were encountering. Very powerful.
I loved the unexpected and macarbre detail in Graham’s account – that spraying your colleague with water can cook him to death – that’s the kind of detail I would never imagine and which brings home the danger and ‘difference’ of a firefighter’s perspective.
You said somewhere not to hold back – ( did I understand correctly?). The baked potato analogy didn’t work for me. I didn’t understand the needle and thread and it seemed too abstracted from the drama, too. I wanted more on your feelings. Did you have to wait while other crew arrived, and what was that like? Did you try and drag the guy yourself? I wanted you to keep on with the scene, not to be dragged back to my kitchen. And you described the scene well enough that I didn’t need a lesser comparison.
Could you give us more sensory detail – are you sweating under the suits? What do people’s voices sound like (through masks I’m guessing)? What did the fire itself sound like? I hope digging into the senses doesn’t spark any ptsd in you…..must be a common feature if you dig too deeply into memories, I’m guessing, and a challenge with this kind of memoir.
Hi Anja,
Yup – you’ve nailed broken Britain. Only do train rides in the summer love it! I think as an ‘outsider’ you can spot a lot of these English idiosyncrasies well and make them humorous. Though I wonder if the ‘triumph’ would be internal and repressed rather than so obvious…
I enjoyed the clash implied in her first person in how to deal with the teenager, which she expressed in words, and wonder if you can find a way to use that in the third person piece. Just wonder if an American in England would have self-edited ‘Howdy’ by this stage…?As a Scot in London I used to edit words all the time, but maybe she’s more brash and confident, right enough!
I’m not entirely clear yet what you want me to feel about Alex. She’s desperate to find a husband, I know, but could she really mistake Wendall in his wax coat and brolly for Bruce Willis? I’m stretching to see it.
Anyway, enjoying the culture and personality clash a lot!
Hi Anja,
Yes, I definitely think the challenge in writing in third is to get the power of internal emotions of first person. But it can be done. I’ve just got to stop filtering, and learn some other techniques which I’m sure Debi and Emma will teach us. Also learning by reading other people’s work… Thanks for your comments!
Hi Gillian
I really enjoyed the tension between the couple and the way you conveyed that through silence, and the business with the corkscrew in third person. I also liked the way you used the sitting, standing to convey how Simon is feeling about Ruth’s questioning. Your characters seem very realistic and I like the way they ‘read’ each other in the way a long married (even if divorced) couple do.
I’m finding this exercise so interesting, so forgive me if I’m digging in a bit to it…
I notice that in the first two first person versions you missed out the ‘scene setting’ :
Ruth can’t get to talk to Simon on his own and he looks distraught. He’s functioning well enough to keep the family routines going but deeply shaken. Shocked and strained. Everyone’s distress has put misunderstanding on a hair trigger.
At first read this confused me. I thought it a particular incident of Ruth not getting to talk to Simon rather than a general, ongoing one. There must be a solution to differentiating between an ongoing present and an immediate present, but since I’ve decided not to use present tense in my own writing, I can’t see it…..
Then in his account we get him noticing the size of her hands, like it annoys him some way and I feel angry towards him. And that gets lost when we have a third that’s focused through her and I’m trying to think how that could be hinted at since it says all kinds of things about his character and the relationship between them…
So many layers to this relationship that you’re hinting at!
