Gill Lee
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Hi Chithrupa,
I’ve definitely still got work to do on ‘filtering’ in third person, which should start ‘As long as the vans kept passing’ and not with ‘As long as Laura kept counting.’ That’s definitely a challenge in third!
I found Kat the hardest ! In lots of scenes in earlier drafts, she was coming across too vividly – much more than Laura (perhaps because I identify more with her!) – and I’ve stripped her back and given a lot of her action to Laura to beef Laura up more and stop her being such a wimp / so vulnerable. But Laura often thinks about Kat, and what she’s making of Laura – which I find hard to do in third, where a person thinks they knows what a third person is thinking but may be wrong! In this particular scene, it’s not such an issue, since Mike is well to the top of Laura’s agenda. So I found myself moving her anger at Kat much further down the third person piece.
Finding this so interesting…Thanks for your feedback – has made me think!
Hi Alison,
Thanks for this.
Yes she is a very young twenty-two in many ways and very vulnerable, but with anger deep under the surface (her father), and mainly not expressed through words (though here in Laura’s 1st I notice I’ve labelled her feelings – interesting!)
Thanks for picking up on the sodden paper!
I found this exercise so interesting and really looking forward to seeing what other people did with it…
Hi Chithrupa.
A great scene to choose – lots of drama in death! And isn’t it interesting what each version adds?
I enjoyed how with the third person, we seem to get more of a gradual build up to the scene – the clues about relationships. Love ‘not a bridge to be mended with food’, the fumes wafting in and then the scene of Xander’s gradual escalation to death. Taylor’s appearance with the sauce even, is somehow more accidental and less deliberate – perhaps because there are other things also being described, rather than that detail being as salient as it is in the first person by Xander?
1st person Xander – some interesting differences. here, Xander says it is oyster sauce – so did he never know his son had tried to use a substitute. Wouldn’t Taylor have explained that after the event? I wonder if you could have used some of the slow build up of clues in the third person narrative in this first person one? I can see Xander’s character more clearly here – though I’m wondering at that naivety. Could anyone really not think shellfish include oysters. Wouldn’t Xander’s suspicions be alerted?
1st person Taylor
Adds in his guilt and gratitude to his father. I’m wondering how those could be carried into the 1st person Xander piece – a reference to the invite being ‘trying too hard’ in Xander’s eyes?
Each choice we make seems to gain something and lose something. Looking forward to reading everyone’s feedback! And I definitely think you can write in third person!
Context: From Chapter 3
Last night, Laura saw the accident (involving a white van like boyfriend Mike’s) on TV. She discounted it because the accident happened in Kent while Mike was supposed to be in Bristol (and because she didn’t want to believe the van was Mike’s). This morning Charlie, a friend, phones to say that the newspaper has published a photo of Mike’s van being pulled out of a lake. When she phones her Bristol friends, they say Mike is not there and never arranged to stay. Laura and Kat go to buy a copy of the newspaper. Kat goes into the shop while Laura waits outside.
………………………………………………………………………………………..
1st person Kat’s voice
The photo was on page five, and exactly as Charlie had described it. Damn you, Charlie, Why couldn’t you be wrong this time, like usual?
I paid and took the paper out to Laura, who was standing where I’d left her, watching the traffic, following a passing van with her eyes as if she’d find Mike that way. Thinking he’d be sitting inside maybe, drumming his hand to King Tubby’s beat. Could Mike really be dead? Fuck. How would Laura cope with this?
‘You’ll know better than me,’ I said, speaking slowly, ‘but it does look like Mike’s van. That sticker?’
I pushed the paper towards her, but her eyes were still fixed on the road. I tapped on the photograph.
She glanced at it briefly, before looking away, her shoulders set firm. ‘I would remember Kent if he’d said it. You know I would.‘
Fucking Kent. Her fucking father in Kent. I wanted to shake her. I wanted to hug her. She’s never wanted the truth. Won’t accept it until it’s right there in her face, stomping its fucking boots. I took a deep breath, thinking of what would convince her. What to say or do next.
‘It’s the sticker I gave him on the day of the demo.’ Her eyes were large and round as she spoke. ‘I saw the yellow on the TV, last night.’
1st person Laura’s voice
Kat should stay in that newsagent’s for ever. Marry the guy, have babies together and never leave it. While I stay here, counting the cars and the vans, knowing that as long as I keep counting, and the vans keep passing, Mike will be alright. Alive. Not like in my dream last night, with a siren’s fingers clutching at him.
But then Kat comes out, thrusting the newspaper in front of me, tapping at the photograph as if I don’t see it. ‘You’ll know better than me,’ Kat says, ‘but it does look like Mike’s. That sticker?’ She points again.
I look down. Lower than the paper. A wrapper is sticking to my shoe. I step on it with my right foot, then lift the left, shaking it to get rid of the paper. But the thing is still sticking there. Bloody paper. Bloody Mike. Bloody Charlie for phoning. And why the hell has Kat made me come here? Always demanding I face things when sometimes that’s the last thing a person should do.
‘He’s not in Kent,’ I say, angry with her. Hurt. ‘I would remember Kent, if he’d said it. You know I would.‘
Then the photograph draws me in again. The driver’s door. That sticker. That bloody CND sticker. I should never have given it to Mike.
And Kat is gripping my arm as if to hold me up.
‘It’s the sticker I gave him on the day of the demo,’ I say.
Laura’s PoV As in WiP
As long as Laura kept counting, and the vans kept passing, Mike was alive. Not like in her dream last night, when a siren’s fingers clutched at him with long, green fingers.
Then Kat came out of the shop and held the newspaper open, tapping at a photograph. A van on a muddy bank by a lake. A white van. White, like Mike’s. Or it looked white, anyway, in the photo.
‘You’ll know better,’ Kat said, ‘but it does look like Mike’s. That sticker?’ Kat pointed down at the photograph.
Laura lowered her gaze further, down to her shoe, where a piece of paper was sticking. A grocer’s bag, maybe, or a chip wrapper, sodden and sticky from last night’s rain.
She stepped on the paper with her right foot, and away with her left. But the paper hung on to her Doc Marten and she couldn’t shake it off. ‘He’s not in Kent.’
Kat’s finger was still on the photo but Laura didn’t have to look, no matter what Kat thought. They didn’t need that paper. Newspapers never told you the truth. Wasn’t Kat always saying that?
‘I would remember if he’d said Kent. You know I would.‘
Then the photograph drew her eyes again. That sticker on the driver’s door. That bloody CND sticker. She should never have given it to Mike.
Then Kat’s hand was on her elbow, fingers digging in as if to hold her up.
‘It’s the sticker I gave him on the day of the demo.’
Epee – had to look it up. And yes, maybe he has a lot to think about there!
Perhaps Lucia has some advice on how she handled legal stuff? I’m guessing Adam Kay must have done some interviews too, where he discussed how to handle issues of identifiability (is that a word?).
Wow, Katie.
I’d read a novel which started like this at the drop of a hat. We’re meant to be doing voice this week, but I can’t see you doing better than this. Love it!
Hi Gillian,
I spent one year of mine with sections in present tense (also had alternating chapters) before switching. I’ve found it interesting to follow your discussion on pros and cons.
Thinking of using the tampon fire accelerant to kill off Harry, Laura’s father. How many boxes of tampons to burn down a large Victorian house? Seriously, though, would you be able to give me some advice about how to burn Harry’s house? is there a p.m. thing we can use for those kinds of conversations?
Title for your memoir – for me it definitely has to have fire in their. The boy who played with fire…. Kindling a career….Ha ha
Really excited now to redraft and must try to contain myself. Have a new idea for how to achieve that narrative peak for Laura and how to redraft this first Laura chapter. As you suggested, I’m trying to open new documents rather than delete masses straight off. Your modelling of how to read our own writing is a challenge but will sink in over time ( I hope). Must be patient and not think it will come all at once!
Have found it so useful to read your comments on other people’s work too.
It’s interesting to find our own thought processes on feedback too. Baton down the flight response and then prepare for work!
Thanks for all the helpful comments, Debi. Lots to think about!
So much Xander. In fact, we need a new adjective bank. Its very Xandery! I love novels that are very voice-y and really look forward to what you’re going to deliver in the next couple of weeks, Chithrupa! Great USP with great voice – what’s not to like?
Watched I.D. yesterday. Pretty violent watch but some useful things. So thanks for the recommendation, Kate!
Hah. I’m four years in and haven’t taken the eighteen months out! On the other hand, it is loads of fun. Have tried to look at it as ‘I’m learning how to write (hopefully) rather than ‘I’m trying to write this novel’
Hi Anja,
That was kind of deliberate – apart maybe from the giddying whoosh, which came in an earlier draft. I wanted it to seem like it’s all happening at once demanding Laura’s attention and intervention. But maybe it doesn’t work. All part of revisiting this scene in the light of comments. Thanks for the comments – what was it someone said ‘think lightly’ at this stage?
