Gill Lee
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Love that idea! Isn’t it freat when a comment makes you ‘discover’ more about your character!
Hi Chithrupa,
Ending the chapter where the van is shown is an option – as the first chapter is quite long. I’ll think again about it…My thinking was to take it into her reaction to the item on the news – evasion, going to the pub. Both because of comments that it was overly dramatic and unrealistic to have her immediately assume it’s Mike’s van (given he’s meant to be in Bristol) but also because it’s her characteristic way of dealing with problems and sets up a lot of the rest…
Hi Steven,
Thanks for this. Laura is a bit of a mess, to be frank. She wants to keep a child safe and not overburden it with fear. She wants to trust people and believe most people are good. But her childhood has taught her that mothers’ can’t always keep their children safe and that some people do terrible things. She also believes she should face reality but is terrified of it. Lots of ‘shoulds’ in her character…
Hi Richard,
Thanks for your close reading and detailed comments. I’ve really got to think through that thing about how the guy is positioned again! The child is twelve months, which is specified just before this bit. Maybe if he grabbed the child from behind it would work better? You’re right – the scene is to elicit Laura’s wariness of the man and admiration of the woman, but it needs to work physically in its own terms!
But if it’s Noah’s viewpoint, and he didn’t hear her, how are we getting her words? I’m sure next week will give us more understanding of this, but wouldn’t it need to be something like:
Noah stood rooted to the spot, fixed on the sky, wonder and disbelief flooding his body.
Something was coming. Something was happening.
Nell tugged at his arm.Too many somethings and hate that ‘flooding’ but wouldn’t his viewpoint be more like this?
PoV – Debi and Emma are ace on this and will sort us out!
Hi Steven,
I suppose in my more cynical moments I think that passivity is a privilege. When the world works for you, and mainly gives you what you want (and Lester has a nice life, doesn’t he?) you can afford to be passive – a variant on the ‘It’s easy to be nice if you’re rich’ thing. His wife is trying to make a choice, a decision, which will bring her happiness and fulfill a need of some sort. And he’s relying on the tossing of a coin! If the coin had come up with a choice he didn’t want (to emigrate in mid life – hard, no doubt! – does he speak Polish? Like the country? make friends easily outside cricket?) would he simply ignore it? Or use it as a way to avoid the responsibility of making a choice (a responsibility as well as a luxury). But maybe that’s a darker story than your comic tale? Or maybe you can respond to the cynicism of readers like me and make us see him sympathetically!
I love the way Wendall knows he should shut up but just can’t quite do it. There’s going to be lots of humour to milk from that. I enjoyed all the little clues to her coolness and his continuing ardour as well. He’s very definitely an Englishman of a certain class as shown through his attempt to take responsibility for her liking for guns. The culture clash between these two should provide lots of fun
Hi Julie,
Replying to your week 2 homework down here even though your piece is at the top of the page. Didn’t know whether to press ‘reply’ at the top or post it down here…
I get a real sense of daring-do and devilry from your character. When other people hide from storms, she’s out there, enjoying them, reveling in them, even! It’s a very arresting introduction to a character we know is going to be exciting and different from the get-go.
I’ve tried to identify where I think a little more clarity would help the reader follow what your character is doing (always difficult when they’re doing something the rest of us ordinary mortals might avoid)
It took me a couple of reads to figure out she was standing on a ledge – so maybe worth trying to get earlier – so could be ‘No-one saw her, near the top, hanging off that ledge….’
Are the ‘freezing pins’ part of the structure or her legs? Do feet ‘tingle’ when you land hard on concrete? (So long since I jumped that far….)
When you mention the girl who jumped, your character says ‘suddenly it was important’ but not why. Is she suddenly aware of her own desire to jump off the building? Of the self destructive potential of storm chasing? She’s busy with something that absorbs all her senses and brain yet something is pulling her to think about this girl instead so I want to know quite what…
Her mobile vibrating in her pocket must surely be familiar to her so I didn’t think we needed the drama about it being an aneurysm – she doesn’t seem to me the kind to jump to dramatic conclusions about a familiar sensation and there’s enough drama in the setting and action of the storm without this.
Definitely a thrilling start to your novel!
Hi Alison.
Great, action packed opening delivering lots of the themes you’ll be addressing. Liked the realistic (to the age group) dialogue and agree with Chithrupa’s comment about the skilful and economical way you show the dynamic between Noah and Nell. Is there something about PoV where you say ‘He seemed not to hear her’ ?
Hi Chithrupa,
Yes, originally I had this as the opening chapter. But since the van is said by the police not to be Mike’s, the thrill dissipated rather quickly. So I put in 3 pages so the reader has reason to think he’s afraid and been murdered (which turns out to be true) though laura has lots of reasons to be persuaded he’s simply left.
Maybe I did misinterpret the task! But I wanted to put in the first hint things are not all straightforward for her, whereas she’s quite smug when we first meet her.
Hi Lucia,
Thanks for this. Yes, in the longer scene we learn she is wary of men – though not Mike of course! – and decides it’s better to be aware of her fears, but not give into them. Just before this incident, she thought the woman was a perfect mother, helping her child to be independent but supporting them as they did so. Then the man’s behaviour is like a warning shot again, though she overreacts, of course.
Hi Paula,
Jacqueline is immediately a relatable but gutsy heroine with this great introduction! She admires Shem, is happy a lion might come back for its cub, and ignores flies and ticks to do her job. Loved the ‘mewling’ and ‘squirming’
The only thing that through me slightly was the last sentence with the hypodermic. Details, I know! But I couldn’t help worry. Either it’s got a cap over the needle – would she lift that off with her teeth too? Or she’d in danger of stabbing herself in the eye? Is it pre- filled with whatever the lion cub needs? Maybe I’ve just got Mum-vibes and think it should come with a warning ‘don’t try this at home, kids!’
Hi Chithrupa,
You’ve gone a long way to convince me he’s dead in a hospital room somewhere – huge! I like the ‘For now’ too. Everything below is within that context.
The ‘should know’ in the first line confused me when followed by ‘And’. Would ‘But’ be clearer? Or ‘I was dead again. My third experience of…..’
Then, gosh it’s so tricky because your reader has to imagine what it’s like to be dead, or in a vegetative state at least, and my version will be different from yours. So I don’t get any notion of ‘wobble’ for example, but maybe others do.
My niece had to be put into an induced coma (horrible!) a few years ago and I remember what that looked like and what she has said it was like when she came out of it (and yes, definitely noises – peeping, rolling trolleys, voices – and all as if at a distance. (She also had delirium so the trolley was a sweet trolley rather than a drugs trolley, misinterpretations like that..)) and you’ve conveyed a lot of that well. And I like the way you’ve used smells too. Perhaps also the noise of the breathing machine (depending on what he is on), the murmurs of doctors and nurses, the tilting of a bed or air cushions (to prevent bed sores). If he’s waiting for life support to be switched off, they would be anxius to keep his body working in the meantime, I’m assuming…. Maybe Lucia will know other things you can use.
Have just read your comments above. Maybe you could take one sense at a time. Have it awaken before adding in the next one….
Hi Katie,
I love the mood you’re set up here for your main character – of waiting and hoping and waiting some more – and of the sense that we are being drawn into another world in which Mother’s interests go ahead of her daughter’s. If we didn’t already know this was going to be twisty stuff, we’re certainly getting that in spades!
The first big question you’ve set up in my mind is – the end of what? And I loved that – assuming to start with it would mean the end between her and Mother (love the use of ‘Mother’ by the way and can see how that is so different from Mum or my mother!) But then I began to wonder if it was the end of the application process or the end of her job and got a bit confused (probably me). I wondered if to help clarity (if it’s not just me!) you should hold off on the job thing. I’d started to look for clues she was missing work to do the application but you made it clear she did it between shifts, not during work, so the reference to a resulting demotion confused me. I think you’re dealing with lots of layers and depth in this character and because you are holding that, you’re not maybe seeing the need (this) reader had of simple steps to take me forward….
I loved the application form ‘mutilated’ by too much work on it but agree the spores / spread / worm needs a bit of work.
I loved the ‘dust in the corners’ metaphor and your style generally – am already fascinated by this character and her world!Just want to give this character a huge hug and get her to tell Mum she can do quite well in a wider world, thank you very much!
I can see lots of comic possibilities in your character and he’s certainly consistently passive and ambivalent about his life. You’ve used a nugget of a scene to introduce most of what we need to know about this character and the dilemma around which the plot is based. He’s a victim of fate in his own eyes but I sense a man who will get what he wants when he wants it! i really hope you’re going to play him for everything you can because he’s a character I could really enjoy hating!
I loved the ‘divorce’ of a petal from a marigold, and the irony of the ten pences showing different faces in the bowl.
For some reason I keep reading in ‘piece’ after ten pence – no idea why! For me the widow, window didn’t work because I’m not sure I’ve never thought in typos – or never been aware of it at least – though I make them in writing and confuse words in speech all the time! I wonder if a reader would get from this that his wife is Polish and wants him to emigrate with her, or assume he is wondering about emigrating away from her?
