Lucia Gannon
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Hi Katie,
So I’ve finally got to your second posting. Thank you for this. I have both your pieces in front of me and Debi’s feedback and it feels like such a rich tutorial on writing.
I loved your first piece but can see how you have elevated it in the second posting.
I have nothing to add to Debi’s comments (no surprise there!), but thanks again for all your posts during the week. I will re-read when the course is over and hope you will continue to post here so I can continue learning from you.
I noticed in one post that you said you would not re-read Dark Places until you were finished with your book, in case you borrowed her voice.
I used to worry about that too and avoided certain authors at times, but then I found that if I just limited myself to a chapter instead of reading the whole book and ‘studied’ rather than read it, I could pick out their techniques and apply them to my own work as I felt I needed to, and I didn’t end up writing whole paragraphs that jarred as I tried to shoehorn someone else’s voice into the writing.
It works sometimes, and other times, the book is just so good that I can’t stop myself from reading on and forgetting why I picked it up in the first place!
That’s so interesting, Cithrupa. I’ll have to think about that!
I generally write dark stuff (not as dark as this,maybe more serious that dark) but occasionally surprise myself with humour and for me I feel better when I do. It’s as if I tune into the lighter side of myself, or perhaps the lighter side tunes into me!
Anyway, fascinating insights here, as usual.
Hi Katie,
I’m sorry I didn’t get around to commenting on your writing this week. The end of my week just ran away from me with a trip to the airport, a funeral and so many of the usual life things!
I’m just reading through your thread, and it’s fascinating. I am going to check that link about language when I have finished. I dipped into this a little while ago but then sort of forgot about it! I will dip back in again now. Any tools that can be used to improve the writing are going into my toolbox!
I’m going to finish reading your thread now, but I just wanted to jump in here to say thanks so much for sharing your thinking, your insights and your resources! What a fabulous group!
AROC
Hi Steven,
A very funny scene but with some dark undertones. I get it that Serafina and Lester have their demons, and I also get a strong feeling that they are not good for each other, but this could be my maternal and protective instinct working overtime.
The characterisation is excellent. Lester comes across as full of confidence but underneath is unsure of himself. I love the internal monologue that lets us know just how shaky his confidence is. He has a list of top ten sayings that get him out of most situations, but I get the feeling that a lot if this is about appearance and underneath he is a man who wants a wife, but one who will not make any demands on him, a job that looks good and garners respect, but is not too challenging and all of this is because he is afraid of intimacy and has little confidence in his own ability. I could be way off here but I imagine if I was discussing this with my book clubbers (who would absolutely love this story), these would be my contributions about Lester while others would find him lovable and others dismiss him out of hand. But this is the beauty of the complex character that you have created and all in 250 words!
Yes, like the others, I was a bit confused by some of the details, but the overall effect was so entertaining that I would be willing to let them go.
I have a question for you and Debi, though.
This piece is Lester’s POV as far as ‘Serafina stared as if divided by glass….’
This, I think is Serafina’s POV. When I was reading it, it flowed nicely from one to the other, and it wasn’t until I read Cithrupa’s comments that I realised that you had slipped into Serafina’s POV. Or is this the narrator’s POV? Or is this what is called head-hopping, the thing I am fearful of doing in my writing, so much so that I have decided to only use one POV for the whole book in case I slip into another POV without noticing?
As I say, it read well, and I wouldn’t have noticed it except for Cithrupa. Any thoughts, anyone?
Richard, just butting in here to respond to Anja.
Anja, you’re hilarious!
Hi Richard,
Sorry, I’m late.
There are so many fascinating details in this piece, and I’m sure you have lots more to share.
I agree with the others that a bit more interiority would make it more engaging. While it’s great to read an account of a fireman’s role and training it is even better to get inside the head of a specific fireman and discover his thoughts and feelings as he progresses through his career.
You have so much material that I am sure when it is done, this will be a fascinating read.
Hi Debi,
Thank you so much for that. And you are so encouraging. I was on tenterhooks all week waiting for your assessment!
For me, it gets to the point where I keep re-writing, and then I don’t know if I have stripped it back too much, and I can’t tell anymore if it even makes sense!
I am a committed declutterer, and I tend to do the same with my writing unless I deliberately stop myself.
So, I am delighted that you thought it worked and I will certainly add back in a little of what I took out.
I meant to say to Cithrupa that I loved the idea of the salt taste, but the end of the week is my busiest time at work, and I didn’t get to dip in and out or give as much feedback to others as I would have liked.
This is Anna’s most vulnerable point, and it is also the point where her character begins to change. Over the next few weeks with Jack, she begins to see that she may be worthy of love and acceptance despite her flaws, so it is an important point in the book.
I love the tweaks that you made. And no, Jack is not leading her across the fjord, so I will have to look into this. I have taken some liberties with the geography that I must correct, as my husband will never let me get away with it! He thinks that once the book is published (note male confidence), there will be an influx of tourists to Connemara, so I better have the geography right. I don’t mind these imaginings as they mean he never complains about the hours I spend at my computer!
Thanks again for your expertise, time, and attention to detail. Despite doing two online masters (one an MA in Creative Writing)and the Jericho UNWC (which was fantastic), I have never had such detailed and enlightening feedback on my work. I have just loved every minute of this course, and I know I will be referring to the material and resources here until this book is as good as I can get it.
Ok, the last message has appeared!
I did some detailed feedback yesterday, but it disappeared, and I didn’t realise it until today.
I did it again today, but it wouldn’t post!
I see Debi has been here, and you have loads of expert feedback from her, so I have nothing to add to that except that I enjoyed this.
It has pace and tension, and I look forward to reading more.
Hi Paula, ]
I have given feedback twice, yesterday and today but it won’t upload for some reason. Just trying this again.
Ha Anja,
I couldn’t write about sea monsters, so do not fear, you will not find any here.
Talassophobia! That’s a new one for me. I had to look it up. I’ve never heard of it.
Does that mean you can’t go on boats or ships?
Thanks for your detailed feedback. Much appreciated as usual. I will add it to the others and keep pushing on!
Oh, I think you are giving me too much credit, Anja.
Debi says so much that is news to me. Well, maybe not news, as I have heard it before, but I haven’t really internalised much of it yet.
Amazing feedback, though, and it’s great to know that there will be eleven more to learn from.
I thought as much, Alison. I guess you know Pretzel pretty well by now. I love the name and the idea of him. Again, always envious of people like yourself with such vivid imaginations!
Maybe I need to take a break from logical thinking for a while!
I will miss the feedback too and also dipping in to everyone’s story so I hope you stay on here when we are finished. I would love to follow Noah and Pretzel’s journey and I have loads of younger nieces and nephews who will be more than willing to do some beta reading for you. Just to get the international input, of course.
Absolutely, Alison. Total sense!
Don’t worry at all, Gillian!
All feedback is gratefully and graciously received!
I love how everyone sees something different, and when reading the feedback, including yours, some things are so obvious that I don’t know how I missed them, and yet I could be re-writing forever on my own and not see them.
So, thank you for your detailed and considered feedback. It will go into the cauldron with the others and will help me make this as good as I possibly can.
Thanks Alison.
It’s so good to get everyone’s take on such a short snippet Lots to learn. Lots to polish.
Much appreciated!
Lucia
