Lucia Gannon
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Haha,
I think you doth protest too much and you know far more that you may think!
Thanks, Gillian.
Yes, I was in Scotland. My son lives there with his wife and their beautiful one-year-old daughter, so it was a lovely y trip, and I had to keep sneaking off with the laptop!
I read that you are travelling this week. Hope you enjoy it and get time to check in here.
Thanks so much, Alison.
It’s so encouraging that you want to follow her story.
Thanks, Julie.
Sorry, I’m only getting to this now.
Iv’e been trying to study Debi’s feedback to everyone and take as much as I possibly can from it.
There’s something new in every piece. Agree, it’s been a week packed with learning.
This is hilarious, Steven. I love it.
I’m not going into detail on PD, as the others have done a very good job, and Debi will no doubt be along soon, so you don’t need my tuppence, ha’penny!
Well done. I can see myself reading this when it is published and recommending it to all the sports fans in my life.
Hi Debi,
This is such fantastic feedback. Thank you so much.
Revelations….
…that the narrator has a voice, too, and that is different to the character’s voice. I never thought about that, yet it is so obvious in all good fiction now that you say it. I think I have been ignoring my narrator, pushing him/her (not sure which) to the background in case they give away too much if that makes sense. (It is also new to me to think about the narrator as a person.) But I see how I can change this and use it to broaden the story, as you say, to set it in time and social context, which I don’t think I have done very well in the first draft.
…that practically all of my WIP is set at PD 3 with minor excursions into PD 2 and PD 4. It’s amazing that you can tell this from this little snippet. It is certainly my comfort zone and when I re-read my work now, I can see this clearly. I also like to zoom out to maintain the ‘mood’ every now and then by commenting on the weather or some such thing. I am Irish so the weather is a constant and must be in my bones now!
…that you would suspect that Anna surprised me. She did! You said in the first week that I needed to be careful not to create a character that was too much like myself, and I replied that I had consciously avoided doing this and felt confident that she was nothing like me. However, as you well know, every author reveals something about themselves in the characters they create and what I have seen coming through here, especially this week, is the professionalism of never showing our own emotion. As a GP, I have become adept at this. I can show empathy and feel another person’s pain, but I must then detach and let them manage this themselves. Otherwise, I will burn out. I think this has seeped into my writing in that I can say how Anna is feeling, but I don’t want to feel it so I have been reluctant to go deeper. I need her to deal with it herself.
So, I think I need to get out of my own way, drop the GP professional role, and put her on the page in all her emotional turmoil. I’m not sure if that makes sense, as I am still only figuring it out, but I feel so hopeful about this project now. For a long time, I have felt that it is a story I have to tell, but I have been filled with doubt about my ability to tell it.
Thank you again. Going through the other WIPs, reading all the fascinating discussions, and receiving your feedback has been so informative. I have learned so much this week and in the course so far. I can’t believe that there are only 2 weeks left.
I don’t envy you working on a mobile, Cithrupa.
Just read Debi’s feedback. Just as well you weren’t depending on me!
Thanks Paula,
I’m glad you enjoyed it and I will certainly look at those last sentences.
Thanks Anja,
Your’e so kind and I’m glad you enjoyed the piece. To be honest by the time I got to the last line, my head hurt from so much thinking.
I had Debi’s extended examples in front of me and must have read each one a hundred times. And I still am not sure about my PDs!!
Though I must admit I do know a whole lot more than I did at the beginning of the week!
Exactly, the magic is in the weaving isn’t it?
So subtle that only the most discerning of book club readers will pick up on it.
Oh to be that writer!
Thanks Kate,
Your’e right in that the original scene is mainly in PD 3 and some PD1 but, as I said to Cithupra, was almost totally devoid of emotion when I read it and I wasn’t even really aware of it. I knew it sounded a bit bland but didn’t know what to do about that. My solution to dull and boring has been to try and enhance the scene setting, so this week has been a total revelation with regards to bringing emotion to the writing.
I had watched video that Debi did on JW about psychic distance a few times and while I understood it in theory it wasn’t until this week that I internalised it. Such a learning curve this week for me!
Hi Cithrupa,
Thank you for your comments.
The original passage was so different from this with no zooming in, no bad language, no emotion, just very measured and factual! So I don’t know what exactly will get into the final version but after this week I am really looking forward to getting stuck in.
You’re right about the double arc PD. I hadn’t noticed it. But it’s like Debi said in one of her feedbacks, as soon as you write a character-in-action,you have to zoom out. Well spotted!
Hi Julie,
An action packed piece and I certainly felt the ‘almost’ impact. I’m just going to stick to PD analysis. I haven’t read any other comments so sticking my neck out here and open to being corrected.
PD 1
Directly in front of them Matthew’s car glistened in the sun. (PD 2) Rachel remembered Lee saying his (I presume this relates to Matthew) obsession was polishing, but that thought was cut short as she realised Lee was driving straight at her husband’s BMW. (PD3). Rachel braced herself for impact. (PD 3 ?) Lee wasn’t going to stop…(PD4). Then she did. Because I’m not sure if this is Rachel’s voice without a thought tag or the narrators voice I have to say I don’t know! Something new turns up in every piece!
PD 3
Directly in front was Matthew’s car. (? PD5) It was an obsession of his, Lee used to say, ‘to polish the crap out of everything.’ (PD3). Its shining windows loomed, like wet ground under a falling apple. (PD2). Rachel’s knuckles hit to dashboard as she felt the force of Lee’s foot on the accelerator. (PD 3) Shit, she wasn’t going to stop…(PD 5) Then she did. (As above, not sure!)
PD 5
There was Matthew’s car, blindingly clean. Still polishing the crap out of everything, as Lee used to say. Oh shit. She’s not braking. No. She’s flooring it. Oh please, oh God, she’s aiming right at it. I’m going to be scraped off his bonnet, mashed-up-dead, and I’m wearing old knickers. Shit! Ow, she’s stopped.(PD 5)
Combined version
Ahead Matthew’s car glistened in the sun. (Why do I think this is PD 2 when I said the first sentence of the previous passage was PD 5? I think it’s because by saying ‘there was Matthew’s car..’ you imply a character and this is there thought floating freely without a narrator to tell us who is seeing it.) Lee used to say he’d polish the crap out of everything. (PD3). She was coming in faster. Accelerating, not braking. (Not sure if this is PD 5 or if 3). No! (PD5). Rachel’s knuckles hit the dashboard. (PD 2). She’s aiming for the bloody car. Going to wipe both of us out. (PD 5) Last thing I’m seeing is that Yankee air freshener. (? PD3 because you say you are seeing it.) Should have put my best knickers on. Shit! (PD 5)
Ow, she’s stopped.
Just when I thought that i was getting the hang of it your piece made me re-think everything! Lovely writing. It all flows so if I was reading it without trying to analyse it would be a very engaging read. I just still find teasing everything out challenging but has to be done!Hi Gill,
Yes, I get exactly what you are saying, and I had not thought of it before.
I did this purely for the exercise. I don’t think that I would keep it in my WIP, but I didn’t know why until you pointed it out. Anna lives in a refurbished 1950s-style house and has a particular liking for the architecture and furniture of this period. I am trying to make her home symbolic throughout the book as a place where she almost imprisons herself.
I don’t think I would have left that in but who knows? It could have wormed its way in if it wasn’t for your comment!
Thanks for that
Hi Gillian,
I’m doing this after a burst of activity on this site so I’m probably not as sharp as I would like to be.
Nice to read your story again. I will try to stick to the task of analysing PD but it goes without saying that I enjoy your writing.
PD 1
I think the first sentence starts at PD 1 and transforms to PD 2 when you mention Ruth. The second sentence is PD 1
PD 3
The first sentence starts as PD 1 and ends as PD 3 (I think). I think the next sentence is PD 2 as are the next two. I’m saying this as you are describing what Dani’s listening had helped her to do but not how she feels about this at that moment.
PD5
The first sentence is PD 2. Next two, PD 5. Next one PD 4. Next one PD 2/3. ‘OK, Deep breath.’ PD 5. Next one PD 3. The next 5 sentences ? PD 3. ‘A tear drops…’ Pd 2. Next sentence PD 3. Last one ? PD 4.
Combined version
First sentence, PD 2. The next one PD 3. ‘The lump in her throat…’ PD2. The remainder PD 4.
I could be wrong about all of this. You also made me work, Gillian, with all the transitions. Looking forward to reading more and checking how much of this is worng!
