Lucia Gannon
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Hi Alison,
I love Noah and love this passage. I can imagine him in his bed and the cottage. His voice is so distinct and suitable for his age. Beautiful writing. I have tried to stick to the PD task below but am prepared to be corrected.
PD 1
I think this is all PD 1 except the last 2 lines when you introduce Noah which moves nicely into PD 2.
PD 3
First sentence PD 2. Next sentence PD 3. ‘Why did I,,,’ PD 3. ‘Should he wake Mum?’ PD4. ‘No. His fault…@ ? PD5
Last sentence PD3
PD5
I think this is PD4 but I could be wrong. The reason I say this is that these are his thoughts as free indirect speech.
Combined version
First sentence PD1. Second PD 2. Next PD 3. Next starts as PD 1 and ends in PD 3 (can a sentence have two PDs?) I think the remaining sentences are PD4/5 but not sure.
Hi Katie,
Thank you so much, you always say the nicest things!
I woke in the middle of the night before I did this exercise thinking about Henry Warburton stepping out of his house into the snow storm and the line before that that read ‘a large man stepped out of a doorway.’ ( I know, I have a sad life when this is what inhabits my night time thoughts!). But as the sentence about the large man was classified as PD 1, I decided to present Anna as just a woman, who could be anybody and this would qualify. But I could be wrong. I noticed in your piece that you did not include a person in your PD1 and now I know why. No doubt, Debi will clarify.
What a great exercise though. I had no idea that I was not getting inside my character’s head. I thought I was when I said, ‘she felt’ or ‘she worried,’ or showed her twitching or shaking or other such things. I now know I need to let her express herself and have the tools to do it.
I just read your piece from last week yesterday. I didn’t comment as I was travelling and I was pushed for time but what fabulous writing! I was totally absorbed. The gothic vibe, the descriptions, the characterisation. Super stuff. I loved it.
Now back to work of analysing a few more PDs!
Hi Chitrupa,
Is the birthday over? If so, I hope it went well but you know the big ones take a year to celebrate, at least.
Now down to work. I haven’t read your piece yet so am going to comment on the PD as I read it. I’m sure I will get lots wrong but here goes…
PD 1
This reads like straight-forward PD 1. Nice images of the birds and a strong narrator voice.
PD 3
I think all of this is PD2 conveying the thoughts of the mother and the birds. (You have a couple of typos, Cithrupa that you might want to edit out, if you can)
PD 5
First 3 sentences ? PD 3. From ‘Grand plans to ‘how did Mum not see it, possibly PD 4. Last two sentences possibly PD 1
Combined version
Sentence 1 and 2 PD 2. From ‘Green birds…’ to ‘…every shade of the rainbow.’ Pd 4. ‘How I hate her singsong voice.’ PD 3. ‘Ugh.’ PD5
Next two sentences PD 4. ‘It was a mistake…’ PD 3 ‘How could Mum…’ Pd 4. I’m not sure about the last two sentences. They sound like descriptions so I’m thinking PD1 but I could be wrong.
Thanks, Cithrupa.
I could be wrong about a lot of that. It fairly stretched me as there is a lot of movement which makes for interesting reading, as always.
Hi Anja,
I am enjoying meeting Wendall again. Just going to concentrate on PD here as it goes without saying, the writing is engaging, as usual.
PD 1/2
I think that all of this is PD 1.
PD 3
I think the first sentence is PD 2. The next sentence is PD 3 and the last one PD4
PD 5
You have changed to first person voice here but I think the first sentence is still PD1/2. (Now I am finding it much to difficult to say what the PD is!) The second reads like PD 3. The next sentence is PD 3, next one PD 4 and the ‘stupid, stupid stupid’ PD 5
Combined version
First sentence PD 1, next PD 3, and as above the ‘stupid…’ Pd 5.
I am prepared to be corrected on all of the above! Your first person piece really threw me. It’s difficult to say what the PD is when we are always in the person’s head. I’m glad I’m not writing in first person!
Hi Kate,
Beautiful writing, as usual so I will try and stick to the PD, as I am finding this so difficult and really stretching myself trying to identify the various stages in everyone’s writing.
PD 1
I thought that the first and third sentences might be PD 2, as the fact that ‘it was strange’ and she ‘found something unexpected’ goes beyond mere description into the mind of the character. Would PD 1 be ‘she looked surprised to see men’s clothes in the house’ I ‘m not sure. I think the second sentence is PD 1 though.
PD 3
Is the first sentence PD 1? I think all of the rest is PD 3 but maybe the sentence ‘those angel hands….’ could be PD 4?
PD 5
the first three sentences are mainly PD 5 but does the ‘she could almost feel them, draw us out to PD 3? I’m not sure about the last sentence. It’s not a stream of consciousness as she is actually describing what she finds. But I don’t know!
Combined version
First 2 sentences PD 1? Second sentence PD 3. Fourth and fifth sentences PD 4? As above, not sure about the last one.
I love your story, Kate. I really want to read more about Annie and Harry!
Hi Katie,
Lovely writing as usual so I am just going to try to stick to commenting on PD. I will probably get a lot of things wrong so feel free to let me know, as this is a huge learning curve for me.
PD1
I’m sure that this is PD1 but there is such a strong narrator voice that I doubted myself. I think this comes from the line ‘Without customers there would be no interruptions…’ So then I wondered that if someone was glad there were no interruptions, did that have to be a character and had you strayed into PD 2. I’m probably making this more complicated than I need to. What do you think?
PD 3
I think the first sentence is PD 2 in that it gives us a character doing something but not anything about her state of mind. I’m not sure about the rest. She takes comfort in her surroundings, which you describe very well, so I guess this is PD2-3
PD 5
This all sounds like PD 5 except the sentence that begins with ‘Sounds like shh’ which could be PD3 or 4. I could be totally wrong and only putting this in here so that I can learn myself!
Combined piece
First sentence is PD 5. The second sentence starts in PD2 but moves to PD3. ‘But the memories …’ sounds like pd4
‘One particular one…’ is possibly PD 1 as in, it is a description of a memory but I don’t know about this.
The next two sound like PD5. ‘People stared…’ possibly PD 1? ‘What should she have done…’ to the end ? PD 5
You made me work, Katie with your great zooming in and out! Now I’m going to read what the others have said to see how far off I am!
Hi Paula,
Here’s my attempt at analysis and feedback. As I said to Gill, you can take it that the writing is, as usual, superb so I will only comment on PD because this is still very much a concept for me and it is so useful to try and pin it down. I’m very much prepared to be wrong about what I write below!
PD 1
This piece gives us your character so if I stick to the example with Henry stepping out of his house into the snow, this would qualify as PD2.
PD 3
1st sentence. PD 2
2nd sentence. Is this free indirect discourse and would that make it PD4?
From ‘The dry heat’ to ‘it had an orange tinge.’ I’m going to say PD 1 as it is describing the picture as if from a distance and Lionel would not see this himself.
Next sentence (fantastic sentence!) Possibly Pd 3 a she is hoping this is the case.
‘They love him.’ I’m not sure but wonder is it PD 4 as it is a thought reported without a thought tag.
PD 5
I’m not sure. I think PD 4 again. I love the writing here and while it is very effective I wonder if it gets to PD 5. I wait with baited breath to have it all explained in time!
Combined piece
First 3 sentences PD 1.
What a rush! ? PD 4
Next sentence PD 3 but now that I read the combined piece I wonder if the rest of this is actually PD 5. I think the qualifier ‘he hopes’ makes that sentence PD 3 but the last four sentences could be PD 5.
Don’t know what you’ll make of that but my head hurts! Well done on the writing. Engaging as usual.
Hi Gill,
I’m going to take a stab at this having red all the resource material and posting my own but bear in mind I am not an expert and will very likely be wrong about a lot of things!
You can take it that the writing is perfect for this exercise so I am only going to comment on PD.
PD 1
Your first two sentences are spot on PD1 but I think your sentence strays into PD 2 as you give us a specific character to focus on.
PD 3 (this is where it gets more challenging for me!)
I think the first sentence is PD2-PD3. I think sentence 2 is PD2. The third possibly PD3.
PD 5 (…even more challenging)
I think this is all PD5 ??? All of the sentences are her thoughts, they have to be so I’m going with PD5
Combined piece
First and second sentences PD 1.
sentence 2 moves nicely to PD 2.
Sentence 3 starts as PD2 and ends as PD3 as when you say she was ‘trying to impose a meaning on the words.’
‘They were nonsense,’ I know she thinks this but I’m not sure if this is still PD 3.
The next couple of sentences sound to me like free indirect discourse which in Debi’s extended example fits into PD4. As in she is thinking these thoughts but reporting them directly. The last 3 sentences (what an image!, well done) are PD 5.
I am not at all confident about the above but wanted to stick my neck out and prepare to be corrected. I have been trying to name the PD in books I have at home and sometimes it is just downright impossible! Also they move so quickly from one to the other. Loving the learning that is happening this week!
Hi Katie and Gill,
This discussion is so fascinating and addresses a lot of what I have been thinking and mulling over in the last couple of days. I’m reading this in the car ( not a driver!) so I will comment properly later. I just posted earlier and my brain is fried but am looking forward to reading everyone’s pieces later. Meanwhile, this discussion will definitely inform my comments. Thank you both
Sorry Debi,
I just did. I uploaded this on the ferry from Scotland just as we were being told to get in our cars!
Deleted it just in time. Hope it’s ok now?Hi Everyone,
This is my attempt. I hope it is not too long. I have tried to make every snippet make sense. A really challenging but such an enlightening exercise.
PD 1
It was a cold and windy evening. A red Golf pulled into the carport of a refurbished 1950s bungalow. A few minutes later a woman emerged and hurried towards the front door of the house, head bent, hair blowing about her face. Light from two low-set windows beamed onto the gravel and beyond to shuddering laurels that bordered a sloping lawn. At the second square of light, the woman paused, retraced a few steps and peered through the window.
PD 3
Anna felt the tiredness in her bones. She wished she could turn herself off, as she had the engine of her car, lie back and drift into oblivion cocooned in the soft leather of the seat. She should have gone straight home after work. She should not have gone to Hennessy’s. But it was too late for that now. As she hurried from the car to the front door, the wind stung her cheeks and tugged her hair free from its clasp so that it blew wildly about her face. She pushed it back and peered through the lighted window of the living room where, to her dismay, she saw the girls sprawled on the couch watching television. She would bet any money that they had not yet done their homework.
PD 5
If only she could stay here in the warmth of the car. lie back and drift into oblivion. If only this weary mass could give birth to another Anna. One who would be the person she could never be: kind, tolerant, forgiving, full of love. Or just bloody normal. Not a worthless, shameful excuse of a wife that told stupid lies that only hurt herself in the end. Jesus! How could she live with herself?
Better go in. There were things to do. The living room lights were on, and the blinds were not drawn down. For feck’s sake! This was more of it. The girls watching television, sprawled on the couch in the living room. How many times had she said no television until after eight o’clock? Why did he never listen?
Combined piece
Anna pulled her red Golf into the carport of her refurbished 1950s home and switched off the engine. She laid her head on the headrest, wishing she could stay there and not have to move another weary bone or muscle ever again. She should have come straight home instead of visiting Margaret Hennessy. I presume you are on your way home, Steve had said. She could have screamed. Yes, Steve. Of course, Steve. Whatever you presume, Steve. She heaved herself out of the car and hurried through the stinging wind to the front door then stopped suddenly and retraced her steps. Jesus! This was more of it. She peered through the living room window. The girls sprawled on the couch watching television. They couldn’t have done their homework already. Was this one more thing that she was expected to do?
Thanks for posting so early, Gill.
I will comment in full later when I feel a bit more competent after trying to figure this out for myself.
It’s really helpful to see yours.
Beautiful writing, Kate, in all three versions.
I am learning so much from all of you and Debi’s analysis.
I also loved this, Julie.
I’m so jealous!
Fabulous setting and voices in all three versions. I would definitely want to read on.
Hi Cithrupa,
Sorry, I didn’t get to give feedback until now. I just read your piece and all the feedback, and I need to re-read it as there is so much there.
Much of what Debi said to you applies to me, so it is very useful to see how two very different writing styles share the same challenges.
I noticed you said you felt a bit bruised this week. I think I am only learning when I am smarting a little, and I did smart a little this week, too!
So here’s to learning. I’d rather get this feedback now rather than later in a complete MS assessment.
“See” you tomorrow!
