Lucia Gannon
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Hi Debi,
Thank you so much for your detailed feedback. This is so helpful and enlightening. I thought I knew the difference between voice and POV, but this is so instructive. I can see what I have been doing. I know Anna well and her conflict between professional and personal boundaries but I am almost fearful of putting that on the page. I sometimes think that I do too much explaining, so I cut back in the interests of pace and suspense and showing until I have stripped the meaning and left no crumbs for the reader to follow. I didn’t realise this until this week, reading my piece and then yours. I need to give more. I need to let my character express herself and let the conflict play out.
I’m sorry I misinterpreted the exercise ( I know you said not to apologise!). Having done so, your feedback has been so enlightening. I could have carried on and never realised this gap in my knowledge! I still had to read it a couple of times to make sure I understood, but I think I have it now. It’s been such a busy week, and I didn’t get to read the other pieces (except Anja’s) and your feedback to them, but I am hoping to do so today.
I had to get my UNWC ‘Agent’s Submission Pack’ and Anthology Submission completed and uploaded, and I was trying to incorporate your feedback from the past few weeks as it has made me re-write scenes, which took forever to tweak. On top of that, I have been visiting family in Scotland for the weekend. But these are all good distractions. I’m not complaining and am back to the course now, looking forward to next week and getting stuck in again.
Thanks again. Lots more to learn, and that’s why I’m here!
Enjoy what’s left of the BH Monday.
AROC
Hi Anja,
It’s so hard to comment on POV!
I like all of them. On first reading, I preferred Wendall’s first-person POV. When I re-read it, I preferred the third person! And I am already warming to Alexandra. I read Gillian Flynn’s ‘Dark Places’ recently and noticed that she had a few characters’ POVs. As far as I remember, one (the main one) was first person, and the others were third person. That’s just an aside, as I don’t remember seeing that in a book previously, and reading these three POVs reminded me of it.
On balance, I feel I get to know Wendall better when you write in his first-person POV. His journey along the train is very real. I desperately wanted a description of the puppy. Was she sitting quietly or mewling or generally making a nuisance of herself? Had the teenager any interest in her? I’m just thinking of my own when they were teenagers; they would have thoroughly enjoyed a train ride with a puppy! I worried that this poor teenager might appear stereotypical, but perhaps this is what you want to convey here.
I love Alexandra’s voice. It is very distinctive. I don’t have a clue about American dialects, so I wouldn’t be able to place her, but that wouldn’t bother me. The one sentence that didn’t work was, ‘Please, God, give me a few months to settle and find a cute husband!’
I think you convey that this is what she is looking for with the later internal monologue. I’m just not sure someone would verbalise this to themselves. But you do such a good job of her character in this short piece—both of them. I really want to know how they get on. And I love the parallels between Mother and Daddy. It feels as if we are in for a treat.
Hi Everyone,
This was challenging! This scene happens a bit later than the one I posted last week, but it is still in the first chapter. Margaret’s son, Robert arrives at the house. There is quite a bit of dialogue before this. This is the first longish stretch of prose.
Exercise 1. Third person close (Anna)
Anna took a stethoscope and a blood pressure monitor from her doctor’s bag and knelt beside Margaret.
‘Do you mind if I examine you?’ she asked.
Margaret remained perfectly still, the only discernible movement being the opening and closing of eyelids over tired eyes and the faint rise and fall of her chest. Anna took hold of her left hand. It felt like a little bag of bones, each one easily defined beneath thin, stretched skin. She turned it over. The fingers remained flexed, claw-like. She wanted to straighten them, smother them in hand cream, restore the parched tissues, and loosen the stiff joints. She wondered how long it had been since anyone had done this for Margaret. How long had it been since Margaret’s daughter visited?
Robert resumed his seat on the couch and sat forward, legs crossed, one hand to his throat as if waiting for a significant announcement. What did he expect her to say?
Anna placed her fingertips just below the crease of Margaret’s wrist and sat back on her heels, her head bowed as she stared at her watch. She didn’t need to count. Years of practice had taught her to recognise a strong regular pulse. But she stayed kneeling until a minute passed and allowed the examination ritual to restore her as her breath flowed in and out in time with Margaret’s heartbeat. When she was finished, she placed Margaret’s hand back on the control button of the chair and reached for the blood pressure machine.
Exercise 2. First Person POV (Anna)
I had my stethoscope and blood pressure machine in my doctor’s bag. I retrieved them and knelt alongside Margaret, who was dozing in her chair.
‘Do you mind if I examine you?’ I asked.
Margaret remained completely still except for eyelids moving over tired eyes and the faint rise and fall of her chest. I took hold of her left hand. It felt like a little bag of bones, each one easily defined beneath the thin, stretched skin. I turned it over. The fingers remained flexed, claw-like. I wanted to straighten them, smother them in hand cream, restore the parched tissues, loosen the stiff, tired joints. How long had it been since anyone had done this for Margaret? How long had it been since her daughter had visited?
Robert resumed his seat on the couch. I stole a glance and saw that he was sitting forward, legs crossed, one hand to his throat as if waiting for a significant announcement. What did he expect me to say?
I turned my attention back to my patient and placed my fingertips just below the crease of her wrist. I sat back on my heels, my head bowed as I stared at my watch. I didn’t need to count. Years of practice taught me to quickly recognise a strong, regular pulse. But I stayed kneeling until a minute had passed and allowed the examination ritual to restore me as my breath flowed in and out in time with Margaret’s heartbeat.
Exercise 3. Third Person close POV (Robert)
Robert watched as Anna took a stethoscope and what looked like a blood pressure monitor from her bag and knelt beside Margaret’s chair. Surely, this examination was pointless posturing. No matter how many qualifications she had or how good she was at her job, there was nothing more she could do here. What did she hope to find, he wondered. That his mother was improving? That she was soon to die? He hoped it was the latter only because that is what his mother wanted.
Margaret remained perfectly still, the only discernible movement being the opening and closing of eyelids over tired eyes and the faint rise and fall of her chest.
Robert returned to the couch and sat forward, legs crossed, one hand to his throat. He might as well wait to see what Anna had to say.
Anna held Margaret’s hand, three fingers resting lightly on her wrist, her head bowed. She looked like she was praying. Robert wondered if his mother ever prayed as she sat in silence, day after day. She had never been one for priests or church services. Neither had his father, as far as Robert could recall.
Anna placed his mother’s hand back on the control button of the chair and reached for her blood pressure machine. She was going to continue with this charade. He would have to see it out. He might as well as he had no place else to be.
Hi Richard and Gill
As Debi said the publishers have a legal team that look it over for you.
I had to alter characters to protect confidentiality and not make people recognisable. So I changed the age, or gender, or other minor details once the piece about them was written.
The only thing the legal team asked me to do was to check with a couple of ‘real’ people that what I said about them was correct and they were ok to be included. Most people were delighted!I had to laugh when you said you would be more worried about showing it to family than strangers. My stepmother sat on my shoulder (metaphorically, of course) the whole time I was writing. I never realised how much I censored myself around her until then. And we actually have a good relationship. One of the many revelations that came from the writing. As I say, it was transformative. Be sure to enjoy it and don’t worry about others, especially in the first draft. Looking forward to getting more of it.
Hi Richard
Sorry I’m so late getting back to you. Thanks for this. Have made lots of changes based on all the excellent feedback.
Looking forward to this week now!Thanks so much, Julie.
Sorry I’m so late getting back to you.Thanks so much, Alison.
We would know she was a doctor. I didn’t pick the very first time we meet her so I have changed that now to make her first appearance more memorable.
Onwards into the next week now!Hi Kate
There is so much I would change in that book now!
But it was a huge learning experience.As I said above to Gillian, ‘Old Gods Time, on the shortlist for Dublin Literary Award. Would love to see it win.
Just saw that this book is shortlisted for the Dublin Literary Award.
We’re in good company!Amazing!
A sponge-brain obviously!And she’s off….
leaping right off the page! Fantastic!
Haha, a ditherer/indecisive, like your MC!
Hi Julie.
I am just reading the last of the postings and saw that you said your husband died last year. I’m so sorry for your loss, but I think it is fantastic that you are here. I hope being in the group is nourishing and sustaining. I look forward to reading more of your work. Take care.
Hi Gillian,
Isn’t it fantastic?!
It’s such a close third-person POV, yet I never tire of being in his head. And what a name—Tom Kettle!
Gosh RIchard, there are much better memoirs than mine out there!
That was written to a deadline, and because I had no idea what I was doing, I didn’t even know when I was making mistakes. I was so surprised by the response that I have since completed an MA in Creative Writing from Hull University so that I could improve, so don’t expect too much! What pleased me most was that some people who had never read a book or had read very little told me that they read it and loved it. These were mainly patients of the practice who were keen to find out if I had written anything about them! Another woman who had just finished chemotherapy and could not concentrate on reading for over two years said it got her back to reading again. If that was all it did, then I would be happy with that.
I don’t have an agent either, but I just finished the Jericho Writer’s Ultimate Novel Writing Course. Last week, there was an online event for participants. We read the first 500 words (or 3 minutes of reading) of our WIP and got feedback from two agents. It was great to get to hear the professional opinions on 12 WIPs. It was a rare opportunity. The course also facilitates the submission of 3,000 words, a query letter, and a one-page synopsis to an agency, and they will give feedback within 6 weeks or so. The deadline for this submission is March 31st, so I am busy trying to incorporate my new learning into the first 3,000 words!
I am so glad I don’t have a deadline for this novel because it allows me to sit with it, really dig deep, find what I am trying to say and experiment with how to say it. The best advice I got when writing the memoir (from a memoir writing coach) was to pick a place to start that was significant for me and flash back from there to add depth and help the reader understand how the past may have influenced my choices. For me, this time was when I came to work in Killenaule, as my memoir, like yours, was about my career as a GP.
I don’t know if you have read Michelle Obama’s memoir, but it is beautifully written and incorporates so much. I read so many then but have forgotten many of them. Others that stayed with me are Cheryl Strayed, ‘Wild. From Lost to Found on the Pacific West Trail,’ ‘Happiness’. A Memoir. The Crooked Little Road to the Semi-Ever After’ by Heather Harpham and ‘Mind on Fire’ by Arnold Thomas Fanning, a great insight into psychosis and mental health disorders.
I’m sure you have your own favourites but just in case you wanted some extras!
You have so much exciting and interesting material to write about that your problem will probably be what to leave out.
Enjoy what’s left of the weekend and I look forward to reading more.
