Lucia Gannon
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I’m in the car park, feeling and hearing the storm all around me. I get the feeling that Rachel is a bit lost, at a low ebb and thought at first that she was contemplating suicide, but by the end, I’m not sure.
I had trouble figuring out where she was exactly in the car park. You say that she was near the top. Why not the top? She is holding on to a steel beam that she keeps holding on to after she jumps back into the car park. I wondered if someone could get out onto a ledge from a public car park. Would access not be restricted, especially if someone had jumped off the previous week?
The description of the vitality of the storm making her heart beat was a bit at odds with how she was feeling, and I then thought that she might just be a daredevil but this didn’t fit with the piece on suicide.
At the end of the piece, I am a bit confused about her character, but I do like your descriptions.
I look forward to reading more.
Hi Anja,
I’ll just type it in here. I still can’t paste.
BROC
I think that I am getting Wendall’s measure. he appears to be a bit of a blundered; putting his foot in it and saying the wrong thing comes easily to him.
He mentions his mother. This foreshadows the role she will play in the story.
You may have explained already that Alexandra was carrying a weapon of some sort, and you may have said where they are, but if not, I think it would be good to mention the weapon here so that the reader knows why he asked her about ‘mad cows.’
I think that you could probably omit words like “any’ in the first sentence and ‘still’ when referring to the dimple but his may be a style thing.
Your dialogue is strong. The words you choose indicate the tone of voice so I don’t think you need to describe this as in ‘a glacier cold’ voice or ‘in a humble voice.’
I love how he tells a stupid lie when there is no need to. He could have found something interesting to say about himself that would be true—or may not! This says so much about him: his inauthenticity, his self-doubt, his need to impress.
I have a feeling that Wendall has a lot of changes to go through, but I like him already, flawed and all as he is.
Hi Anja,
I have tried to paste my response to your submission but it is coming up in code.
Just trying this direct message her to see if this works.
If it does I’ll type it in.
Has anyone else had any difficulty, do you know?
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This reply was modified 9 months ago by
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This reply was modified 9 months ago by
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This reply was modified 9 months ago by
<span data-contrast=”auto”>BROC</span><span data-ccp-props=”{"201341983":0,"335559739":160,"335559740":279}”> </span>
<span data-contrast=”auto”>Hi Alison, </span><span data-ccp-props=”{"201341983":0,"335559739":160,"335559740":279}”> </span>
<span data-contrast=”auto”>I like the fast pace of this piece. I asked you last week what age group you were writing for. Apologies. I completely missed that it was middle grade but I had figured from writing that that must be age group so that can only be a good thing!</span><span data-ccp-props=”{"201341983":0,"335559739":160,"335559740":279}”> </span>
<span data-contrast=”auto”>The genre comes through loud and clear in this excerpt. A couple of things came to mind. Noah is brave and curious, but I also feel he knows more than Nell and has secret knowledge. If this is the first time we meet him, would it be good to include a very brief (sentence or two) description? I’m not sure who the MC is from this excerpt. It could be either Noah or Nell but this is the very beginning so I know that will become clear very soon. </span>
<span data-contrast=”auto”>I am no expert in middle-grade literature, so ignore this if it is way off the mark, but the words ‘morphed’ and ‘colossal’ strike me as being a bit advanced. Again, I don’t know, and you have done this before, so I don’t feel qualified to advise, but I want to put it down in case it is useful. And also, because you can educate me if I am wrong!</span><span data-ccp-props=”{"201341983":0,"335559739":160,"335559740":279}”> </span>
<span data-contrast=”auto”>And I wondered who said, ‘Come on, time to go.’ I guess it is Nell, as it is a new line, but I wonder if it would be clear if this story were being read to someone. It’s just a tiny point. </span><span data-ccp-props=”{"201341983":0,"335559739":160,"335559740":279}”> </span>
<span data-contrast=”auto”>An enjoyable read. I look forward to more. </span><span data-ccp-props=”{"201341983":0,"335559739":160,"335559740":279}”> </span>
Hi Kate,
Thanks for that.
Anna appears earlier on in that scene, but I felt the earlier bit did not reveal much about her character so I started here. But you and the others have raised some interesting questions for me.
I now realise that I have two scenes with Anna and still have not revealed much about her! I have her in my head, but a reader has no idea what she is like is or how she thinks. I got similar feedback last night at the JW reading event. The agent said she needed a bit more of Anna so that she could root for her.
I am on a huge learning curve here. I have read so many books about writing, but there is nothing quite like writing and getting feedback from interested and knowledgeable readers. Thanks for your comments. I noticed you said, ‘I hope it’s okay to ask.’ Please, please, please ask whatever is on your mind. I want to know!
Hi Anja,
Thanks for that. Very encouraging.
Haha. I had to laugh when I read your comment about the underwear. I have put that in, taken it out, and put it in so many times! I think it’s time to kill it.
Steve is Anna’s husband so he will not have been in this house. Anna is visiting a patient, and it is her son, Robert, who has been looking after her and who lit the stove!Hi Gill,
Thanks for that.
Yes, I agree I could cut back a bit on the adjectives!Hi Paula,
Thanks for that.
I am just off the Jericho Writers online live agent reading, where I read the first 500 words of the novel, which is just before this bit, and I got the exact same feedback! ‘Get us inside her head and let us know why she is there and what the stakes are.’ So you are right on target!Hi Gillian,
Thank you for your comments and close reading of my piece.
You raise a really interesting question for me that I had never thought about before. That is, ‘What makes Anna visit Margaret now?’In my head, it is a reasonable thing to do. A doctor has a terminally ill patient that they haven’t seen for some time, and they decide to visit them. But usually, this will be a scheduled visit or at the request of the patient or the patient’s family. Anna should have gone home that evening (that is the novel’s opening line), but instead, she decides to visit Margaret. I will have to think about that and try and figure it out. I have it in my head that it was triggered by an email she received about assisted dying or an article she read. Margaret had said she wanted to avail of this option, but Robert would not allow it, and she needed his help to organise it. It is not legal in Ireland.Regarding why she is acting more like a friend than a professional. This is something that I did intentionally, but I am not sure that my prose explains why I did it. My rationale is that people generally like to think that medical personnel have a professional and a personal self that can be kept separate to allow them to deal with death, illness and suffering and still have a normal regular life. And for the most part, that is true. But sometimes, it is difficult to maintain professional distance especially when medicine has nothing else to offer. All that is left is the connection between two people, and this is what I am trying to convey here, but I think it needs a bit more work. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated!
Thanks again for your thought-provoking questions. They really help me clarify what it is I am trying to do.
Hi Chithrupa,
Thank you for your encouraging comments. This piece has had quite a bit of re-drafting over the past year!You wonder why Anna visited. Anna herself is not sure. She is Margaret’s doctor, but Margaret has refused any medical aid that might prolong her life. This comes out later. She will not let physiotherapists or occupational therapists into the house. She has extracted a promise from Anna that she will not let her die in pain, but apart from that, she does not want any interference. But Anna feels for her on both a professional and a personal level. Margaret is a nurse who knows that Anna can do little for her by way of medical intervention, hence her question, ‘Why are you here?’ and Anna’s decision to be honest with her. This becomes significant later when she decides not to be honest with others, against her better judgement.
I hope all of this gets absorbed into the novel. That’s why the feedback is so important. It will make me look again at what I have written and make sure that at least some of it leaks in.
Yes, the car brings Margaret’s son, Robert, who is her main carer and who tells Anna how much his mother is suffering.I put in a dialogue tag after the question, ‘Do you need anything?’ and took it out again. I’m never sure when I am over- or under-doing it with the dialogue tags. I’ll put it back in. You’re right, though. This question could be asked by either of the women.
Thanks again.BROC
Hi Steven,
I already like and dislike Lester Nunn! Tossing a coin to see if he will stay or emigrate is a great hook. Having the coin land on the painting is very clever. In the next few sentences, you show us a man who is a bit of a ditherer and doesn’t trust himself to make major life decisions (out will tumble all the coins he has tossed) who owns watercolor paintings and puts his loose change in a crystal bowl.
I wondered why he flopped onto the carpet. Is this a habit when he must think too much about something? It didn’t seem in keeping with his earlier behaviour. I liked his mooching as it conveyed his apathy and lethargy. I’m not sure why his father was mentioned here. Is he an important character? If so, do you need another sentence about him?
I like his internal monologue and how he thinks widow instead of window. It is entirely consistent with his lazy thinking. And in the last sentence, you let us know that this will be about cricket, his wife and Poland, although this last sentence is a bit definite for him. You may have intended this as it says that if his wife flicked him out (nice alternative to ‘kicked’) he knows exactly what he would do. So, that leads me to suspect that he is better at reactions than actions and that he may be waiting for something to happen to force him to make a decision.
So much character in so few words. I look forward to more.
BROC
Hi Richard,
Your second paragraph captivated me and I would think about starting there if this is the opening of your book, which I presume is. It is such a fascinating description of your younger self. You say so much when you say ‘I had been involved in a bedroom fire…..It wasn’t my fault…’ I have a vision of a little four-year-old who somehow ‘was involved’ in a fire. What does ‘was involved’ mean, and how much guilt did this four-year-old carry with them for the rest of their lives?
I don’t think that you can skip over such rich material, particularly when your memoir is about your career as a firefighter. I want to know so much more about these childhood fires and the ‘wrath’ you experienced as a consequence. I don’t think it needs to be a huge section of the book but I think it should be given an airing!
I could be wrong , and you know your story, and it is your choice what you include and omit, but my appetite is whetted and if you don’t put it this book, I expect you will put it in another one!
(BROC)
Hi Kate,
I love your opening sentences. There is a clear and unambiguous inciting incident right there in the first line and a promise of an engaging story.
Annie’s voice is strong and definite, and if I didn’t know anything about your story, I would imagine that you would tell it from the POV of a fourteen-year-old and that this is the beginning. (I am going to go back and read the comments again to remind myself of the plot. A lot of plots have become muddled in my head at this point!)
I think I might learn more about Annie if she responded to her Aunt Clary rather than telling us that she knew her aunt was unhappy. Perhaps some dialogue would convey this, as the next two paragraphs are backstory and do not tell us a lot about Annie herself. It could also tell us how Annie feels about going to Bell House. It feels a little like you have put a very interesting opening on hold when I want to know how this momentous revelation will impact the Annie right now!
I could be wrong about this, and perhaps I am just impatient. I imagine that all of this will be revealed in a short space of time, and it is difficult to comment on 200 words.
If I read those opening sentences in a book shop, I would definitely be leaving with it under my arm!
(BROC)
Hi Katie,Your opening landed me right into the action. I get a sense of Mary and her mother leading an isolated, limited life that is joyless and possibly devoid of purpose and meaning. If Mary’s mother does not trust this new adventure, then she probably has good reason, and this makes me fearful for Mary. You convey all of this economically and still spark my interest. I was a bit unsure about the first line. Do you need to elaborate on that do you think? Is this why she thinks her mother wants to send her away?
A couple of things popped into my head when I was reading. If I didn’t know the plot, I might not be sure who the MC was: Mary or her mother. I know this will become clear pretty soon, but if this is the opening, would it be better to highlight Mary more? There would be an opportunity when you say the application was for ‘women of a certain age who meet certain requirements.’ Maybe let us know one or two of the requirements.
The other thing was that I initially thought Mary took all winter to complete her application but then realised that she was pouring over what I presume was her completed application as she was waiting for a response. Maybe I have misunderstood this.
Mary expects to be away from home for ‘weeks or months.’ If it was only weeks, would her mother worry about them surviving the separation? Just a thought.
You have managed to convey so much with such a short piece. I look forward to reading more.
(BROC)
Hi Gill,
It is so good to see these characters come alive. I think most mothers can identify with Laura, sitting in a park, watching other couples with their children and commenting internally. And of course, this becomes a far more focused activity if a woman is pregnant.
I know you say this is the type of mother that Laura wants to be, but you don’t say why. I wonder if you could linger on the mother here and by describing what Laura sees and how she judges her, we would learn more about Laura.
I get the sense that she is not completely at ease with having to care for and keep a child safe. That there is danger in her world. And it seems like this is more than the usual worries that beset pregnant mothers. You convey this subtly, and while I know the plot, even if I didn’t, I would be asking myself what sort of danger she found herself in as a child and why there was no one to protect her.
Knowing the plot, I wonder if you intended to show that she has an innate distrust of fathers. If so, it is a great way to do it. Also, her embarrassment when the child is fine is very believable. I think we have all done things like this!
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