Lucia Gannon
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(BROC)
Hi Chithrupa,
You hooked me with your opening sentences, and I loved your descriptions. This time for feedback, I took Debi’s advice and opened a second document that I typed onto while I read. So, what you are getting here is my initial impressions along with some considered comments. Hope that is ok!
I had never heard the ‘fluff’ of dandelions described as ‘dandelion whip’ but because of the relation to weightlessness, I figured it out! A nice image of a spirit floating above the ‘real’ world. I wondered if an inch was enough to grow to be able to look down on everyone. I guess it depends on how tall he was, to begin with, but I found it challenging to visualise how an inch of growth would give a bird’s eye view, and this stopped me up a bit.
I could see, smell and hear the emergency room. I love how this is his third time dying, so he is more familiar with this than most.
I know it is a very short piece, but I found myself wondering about his reaction to his surroundings. Would describing this here add characterisation, and the description of the room could come later? I can’t figure out if he is resigned, annoyed, or pleased. If this is the first time we meet him, perhaps it would be good to get a little reaction at this point, although I suspect all of this is to come.
I laughed when you said that it is the opening of chapter two where he comes to life! I presume he does not actually come back to life.
This exercise has me thinking about how much rides on the first time the reader meets the MC and all the heavy lifting required by the beginning of the story. As a beginning I think this is fantastic. I also get a sense of character but wonder if this should/could be enhanced at this point with some of the material from the opening of chapter two/
I’m only saying this because these are the questions that this exercise has thrown up for me for the moment, although I’m sure I will have plenty more by the end of the week.
Hi Gillian, (BROC)
Thanks for this. It is exciting to meet the MCs and I like how you have introduced Simon in the first sentence of your book. I just wondered if, as this is the first time we meet him, it might be appropriate to use his full name and tell us where he is. I know he is in his office, and it is a big city office, but could the building have a name that would hint at his profession?
It’s amazing how just saying that the office is on the ‘top floor’ tells us so much about him and his circumstances. I see a suited man, probably in his forties or fifties. Although the aching legs made me wonder if he was older or just out of shape and I found the ‘barely out of breath’ a bit contradictory, so I wasn’t sure.
The line ‘You’ve forgotten where I am,’ shows us a lot about him. He is not tuned into Ruth, and by the end of this short piece, we know he is focused on winning prizes and that this type of recognition and success is important to him.
I think you could add another beat between him opening his phone and talking to Ruth. At first, I thought he opened his phone and learned about the prize and that Ruth could be his secretary, and he was just shouting out to her (I had a Mad Men moment!). It wasn’t until later that I realised that he was talking to Ruth on the phone and that she must be his significant other.
Would he frown at his reflection or smile to himself? I know it is serious, but would he not even take a minute to savour this prize before moving straight on to the next thing? Perhaps not, and this is what you want us to know about him,
You have a unique style. Incomplete sentences. ‘Opens his phone,’ ‘Barely out of breath.’ This could reflect Simon’s personality which I suspect has no room for nonsense, no superfluous words or actions. Always focused on his next achievement. I think this works well for the internal dialogue ‘(Biggest win yet’) as this reflects his disjointed thoughts. I liked it in the opening paragraph and wondered if you would continue in this style throughout. I just started reading, ‘Prophet Song’ by Paul Lynch, the Booker Prize winner this year, and he has some very different sentence constructions that took me a while to get used to, but a couple of chapters in, I barely noticed it. I think this could be the same with your work.
The only other suggestion I have is that perhaps a couple of lines of description of the interior of his office could add some depth to this character introduction without needing too many words. Is it bare, cluttered? Does he have a picture of his wife or children? This may be a bit cliche, and obviously, you are only 200 plus words in, so well done on packing so much in. I can definitely see this character forming.
Hi All, this excerpt is from pages 1-2 of the novel. This is the first time that we meet Anna. She visits Margaret, a terminally ill patient, after work. Margaret did not request the visit, but Anna has been thinking about her and would like to be able to help her.
‘Margaret coughed, a short, shallow sound like a car engine that starts but dies after a few seconds. Anna waited while Margaret marshalled her breath and prepared to speak.
‘Why are you here? Margaret whispered, then closed her eyes as if exhausted.
Anna hesitated. Why had she come? It was best to be honest.
‘I was thinking about you and wanted to see you.’
Margaret’s lips parted and a thin sliver of spittle trickled from one corner of her mouth and settled in the deep groove of her chin. Anna resisted the urge to wipe it away and instead dragged a low-sized Victorian-style armchair from one corner of the room and placed it opposite Margaret at the other side of the stove. The chair creaked like old bones as she lowered herself into it. The heat from the fire stung the side of her face and neck, and her underwear grew damp with sweat. She leaned forward, her legs cramped, her knees almost touching her chin.
‘Do you need anything? she asked.
The evening had drawn in. The wind battered the old farmhouse, and in the blank bare glass of the windowpane Anna’s spectral reflection looked back at her briefly, then disappeared as car headlights swept across the yard and beamed straight into the room.
Hi Anna
Still am a practicing GP!
Looking forward to next week.
LuciaThanks, Debi,
It was an amazing experience. I was given a deadline and just set to it, having never written a book before.
Like Richard, one of the main benefits for me was that it made me appreciate all the positives in my life in a way I had not previously allowed myself to do and even though it was five years ago, I still feel that benefit.
I decided to write fiction to get away from confidentiality restrictions. So far, it’s proving much more difficult than memoir.Hi Katie,
I have been reading your thread and am so sorry that you have to deal with such debilitating and often unrecognised conditions. I hope that having a diagnosis is helpful in some small way. I have patients with these conditions and understand how much they can impact their lives.
Concerning your book and your decision not to name Mary’s condition, have you read ‘Sorrow and Bliss’ by Meg Mason. It came to mind because her MC has a mental health condition that she does not name. In the audiobook, it is called ‘X’, and in the paper version, there is a blank space every time the condition needs to be named.
I had never come across anything like this before. In an interview, she says that she did not want the readers to focus on the condition and think that everyone with that condition must resemble her MC. Some readers loved it, others not so much.
Her book is very different from yours, but the idea of an unnamed medical condition is similar.
Looking forward to reading more.Hi Paula,
I am so sorry to hear that your family had such negative experiences at such an important time in their lives.
The idea of assisted dying is an important theme in the book. In Ireland, a Joint Committee on Assisted Dying has just recommended to the government that they should legislate for this to be an option in certain circumstances. It is such a complex and emotive issue, and I am not sure how it will end here yet. However, it is something that I think about a lot and cannot say exactly how I feel about it.
I hope I can do it justice in the novel.
Thanks again for your interest and input.Hi Alison,
Thank you for your comments.
You are quite right that Anna’s subconscious may be at work, causing her to forget the medication, and yes, she does feel that Margaret is relieved from her suffering, and this contributes to her decision not to report the error or her suspicions. I found the synopsis so difficult to do. I have a longer one (500 words) and I even found that difficult!
Thanks for your comments. They all help me to get a better idea of what exactly I want the reader to know.Hi Richard,
Thank you for your thoughtful and encouraging comments and questions, and sorry for taking so long to get back to you. Reading and commenting on everyone’s work has taken me a lot longer than expected!Apologies for the confusion regarding Anna and Steve’s relationship.
She is not having an affair at the beginning of the novel and does not suspect that he is either. They are like ships passing in the night because they both work long hours, especially Steve, so she is just annoyed that, once again, he has to go back into the hospital and, in all likelihood, he will not be home until long after she goes to bed.
She briefly reunites with Jack when she goes to Connemara for a break from everything. He lives in NY and is returning there, so there is no question of a long-term relationship, but she finds that she can talk to him because of their past relationship, and he helps her to value herself again and remember the dreams she had when she was younger. She returns home determined to face whatever consequences arise from the medical council hearing and to bridge the gap between herself and Steve. However, she finds out that Steve has been having an affair with a hospital colleague and that this has been on-going for some time. She asks him to leave and settles into a different life with her daughters, and returns to work, albeit with restrictions and regular monitoring by a representative of the medical council.
Steve’s affair goes sour, and he asks Anna if she will have him back as he wants to try again, but she says no. This is a big step for her. Life would be much easier for her in so many ways if she and Steve reunited. She knows that she was distant from Steve and that he, like her, needed to find closeness with someone else. It makes sense that they would try to get together for the sack of their two daughters, and there was a time when Anna would have done this just to please everyone else. But she has changed and has learnt to prioritise herself.
I hope that I can show this in the prose and that it is believable and makes for a convincing character arc. The first draft certainly does not transfer what is in my head to the page, but I hope the next draft will be closer.
Thanks again for your input. It is much appreciated.Hi Anja,
Thank you for your comments.
I know it is difficult to understand how someone with the responsibility of a doctor or nurse would not admit a mistake, but what if doing so created a worsening situation for all involved?
In this case, Anna is a perfectionist who craves approval and admiration. For her to admit a mistake is a huge deal and threatens the core of her being. Margaret has got her wish, and if she does report Robert for what he did, he will be charged with possible manslaughter. Everyone will be worse off.
My challenge is to show this situation on the page, and I hope I can do that. I do not doubt that this group will help me improve on what I have, so I look forward to working with you all and hearing your incisive feedback over the next few weeks.
Thanks again.Hi Gill,
You hit the nail on the head when you wondered if her mistake was intentional. Anna does feel Margaret’s suffering intensely and feels helpless to alleviate it. She does not like the feeling of helplessness and so she tries to do what she can. She discovers that she can offer Margaret relief from physical pain and does this. I hope the chapter outlines how she left the morphine in the house and shows how easily this can happen when a doctor is in someone’s home, the lighting is poor, and she leaves the box of morphine on the mantel after going there to avail of the only light source in the room and fails to put the box with the remaining nine vials back in her doctor’s bag after giving Margaret her injection. It is a simple mistake but with fatal consequences. Was her subconscious at work? Possibly. Does she regret that Margaret’s wish to die has been granted? Possibly not. What should she do about the situation? This is her dilemma and I hope that I present this in a believable and engaging way.
Thank you for your comments, and I look forward to working with you over the coming weeks.Yes, Steven, she is a perfectionist, so she cannot admit her mistake.
I am hoping that I can get her transformation on to the page in the next few drafts.
She has been in my head a long time and it’s time to release her and let her find closure, I think!
Thank you for your comments.Thank you, Gillian.
You are right. The main plot concerns the fallout from Anna’s mistake and its effect on her life, both personal and professional.
Anna and Steve’s relationship is not an equal one, even though she tries to convince herself that it is by making all the major decisions about the house and children. But she first met Steve when he was a senior Registrar and she was an intern. She was and is a very competent doctor and Steve recognised this early on and always requested that she be the one to assist him in theatre and with all major operations. He praised her and advised her that she would make a great surgeon herself. They fell in love, and she quickly realised that she could not pursue a career as a surgeon (she did not want this for herself in any case) if she wanted a family. But once she decided to train as a GP, Steve’s attitude toward her changed, and she felt she had to work hard for his approval. He still thinks of her as his assistant and so there is tension between them most of the time. I have to fully work this out yet, but their relationship is a subplot, and the outcome (she rejects him) is an important part of Anna’s journey.
Thanks again for this. Lots of work still to do!Hi Katie,
Thanks very much for your close reading and helpful remarks.
I will try to answer your questions as they have made me think again about aspects of the writing.Anna understands that Steve has to go when he is called to work, but this happens regularly, and she is getting tired of it. He meanwhile, expects her to be home at a reasonable time and this is a constant source of tension between them. I think I have conveyed this in the prose but will make sure to look at it again. He is cross with her that she is late home but seems oblivious to the effect that his long hours have on the relationship and the family.
It’s interesting that you and Githrupa ask what prompts her to check her bag for the medication. As I said above, there was no indication that Margaret was close to dying the previous day, so the news takes her aback and then realises that she does not remember putting the medication that was left over back in her bag. This is why she leaves suddenly and in a bit of a panic.
You are quite right about me needing to give some indication that Robert is capable of ending his mother’s life. I got this same feedback from my tutor on the UNWC and have yet to go back to that scene and re-write it.
I am going to get ‘Portrait of a Marriage,’ right now! I love Maggie O Farrell but have not read that novel.
Thanks again. I really appreciate all the help, and encouragement that I am receiving on this course.Hi Chithrupa,
Thank you for your insightful and encouraging comments.
It becomes obvious early on in the book that Anna and Steve’s marriage is in trouble. They both work long hours and take each other for granted.
The reason Anna is concerned when she gets the phone call is that she examined Margaret the day before, and despite her progressive neurological disease, her heart was strong, and there was no sign of imminent death.
As she is on the phone to the emergency services, she also reviews her actions the day before. She realised that she had to move to the only lamp that was lit in the room to draw up the medication before giving it. She was also a bit perturbed about how closely Robert was watching her when she gave the injection. She DOESN’T remember putting the box with additional vials of morphine back in her bag. She has a sudden realisation that Robert, who is keen for his mother’s suffering to end, may have given the medication to his mother, hence her panic and her need to get back to the farmhouse quickly to find out if her suspicions are correct.
I need to make sure that this is obvious to the reader without spelling it all out so your comments mean I will re-examine this part of the story to make sure that is the case.
Thanks again.
